Adaption
by Sanity Demolisher
Summary: SquallxSeifer Life goes on even when tragedies shatter an individual's world. When an accident changes Squall's life forever he must pick up the pieces and go on living, but will he be able to catch up? Can he put his pride behind him and accept help?
1. Chapter 1

_Revisions updated 3/4/11_

Irvine raised exhausted and distraught eyes as he heard a low moan. He stared uncomprehendingly for a moment before realizing the commander was stirring, the sedative drugs having faded from his bloodstream. The sharpshooter jumped from his chair, sending it crashing to the floor behind him and leaned anxiously over the man on the bed. "Squall?" he asked hesitantly as the man opened his eyes. Grey orbs stared up at him for a moment then closed and opened again. He seemed confused and then annoyed. Irvine swallowed and told himself not to look away. He started to form a question but his friend didn't wait and raised a hand to his face groping for something that wasn't there.

Panicking, Irvine caught the hand quickly. "Take it easy. Do you re–"

"Take the spell off me," the man demanded in a horse voice, scowling.

"Squall," Irvine said brokenly. "…there's no spell."

The Commander didn't seem to understand at first and Irvine prayed that he wouldn't have to explain. He got his wish a second later as the blood drained from the brunette's face. With a jerk, the man came upright on the bed his hands clawing at the sheets. Irvine attempted to lay a hand on Squall's shoulder, but he pushed Irvine away and ground the heel of his hands over his eyes before taking them away and blinking around the room. His mouth opened but no words came out.

Irvine could see panic starting to swirl and quickly pushed at Squall's shoulders, trying to get him to lie back down. "Squall, stop it!" he ordered, trying to keep his voice steady. Squall didn't need him to go to pieces too. "Breathe. Calm down and breathe deeply."

Squall resisted his push. The panic twisted through him and, shivering, he pushed Irvine away hard enough to send him stumbling back a couple of steps, almost tripping on the abandoned chair. Irvine saw hands reaching for eyes and rushing back, snagged the commander's wrists at the last second, pulling them away from their owner's face. Squall's breath shuddered in the back of his throat, strangled emotions choking on the rush of fear.

"Squall leave your eyes alone. Please… don't."

"Let go," the Commander all but snarled, and yanked his hands away with a violent pull that had to have hurt. Fingers touched his open eyes and he cringed backward where he sat. Then he was struggling with the sheets, tearing them aside and scrambling away from the bed as if it had burned him. He made it a few feet away before he faltered and froze where he was.

Small shoulders hunched forward and a strangled sound slid out between Squall's teeth, rank with denial and horror.

Irvine felt a fist around his chest squeezing. There was nothing he could possibly say so he stood still and watched as his Commander came undone before him.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Quistis stared blankly at the coffee in her hands.

Dollet coffee was more solid than liquid, but perhaps it was just her throat locking up every time she took a gulp. Was this her fifth that night … sixth?

The phone in her pocket rang again, vibrating against her leg. She ignored it like she had ignored all the other calls. She couldn't bring herself to answer and explain what had happened; she didn't think she would be able too. The night was hazy blur, pushed away under copious amounts of coffee and defiant denial.

Quistis closed her eyes…

…_and watched a cloud of fire flying towards her; heard the sound of glass shattering._

She snapped her eyes open and gulped down some more coffee.

Desperate to think of something else, she decided she'd answer the call after all and pulled the phone out of her pocket. The words 'missed call' flashed at her mockingly. Fighting the urge to glare at the screen, she opened the device and started scrolling down the list of missed calls.

Cid, Balamb, Orphanage, Selphie, Laguna, Laguna, Laguna, Esthar, Rinoa…

Quistis paused at that last name. It didn't surprise her that Rinoa had called, only that it had taken so long. It was likely all over the news by now. And besides wouldn't Rinoa have felt some hint of Squall's pain? They were connected; sorceress and knight.

Right?

Quistis' brow furrowed in thought. They'd shared a room for two years and had never really had any fights, but she didn't remember them ever kissing or holding hands with the exception of that night everyone had drowned themselves in alcohol in celebration for defeating Ultimecia. Even Squall had gotten roaring drunk and had kissed Rinoa on the balcony. But in the two years between then and now, she couldn't recall any public displays. She had figured a connection between a sorceress and her knight would be more physical, but maybe it didn't have to be. She and Rinoa had never really bonded so they'd never talked about any of the technicalities before.

Trying to remember how she'd diverged onto that path of thinking, she glanced at the screen again and realized Rinoa had left a voice message.

By passing the other messages she opened Rinoa's'.

"Quistis, it's Rinoa" The soft voice began hesitantly. "…I'm not sure I should be saying this on a message but … I told Squall I'd call him when I got to Deling and he's not answering his phone. I know he's on a mission right now but wanted him to know that … well, never mind. I guess you should know that I'm not coming back. I don't know if Squall told you yet. I'm sorry I didn't do it myself, but the decisions all happened pretty fast. If you're with Squall… well I just wanted to make sure he's doing alright. I really shouldn't have bothered you. I'll just call him back later… I'll maybe talk to you later? Okay, bye."

Quistis pulled the phone away from her ear, at a loss on how to react. Rinoa was gone, just like that. She'd always been on the outside, not having been part of the original gang when they were children. She'd tried to fit in and they'd welcomed her as best as they could, but years wouldn't have changed the dynamics of the group. Squall was her only link.

Had she cracked and decided she didn't want to fit in?

Whatever the reason, only two things really mattered right now. First, Rinoa hadn't seen the news yet and, second, the connection between sorceress and knight obviously wasn't there anymore.

Was that why Squall had lived in his office for the past week? He'd gone through paperwork twice as fast and had snapped at anyone who'd looked at him wrong, but she had dismissed the darker mood as stress induced antagonism.

He hadn't wanted to go on the mission, Quistis remembered suddenly, but she'd pushed him into it.

"_Truck!" Irvine shouted and she threw herself behind the car with him, Squall a step behind her. The boy in his arms was screaming at the top of his lungs and trying to scramble out of the fighter's arms. With an oath he dropped the kid onto Quistis' lap ungraciously and glanced up just as the tank exploded. It all happened too fast. The kid's weight had barely touched her when all sound was washed away in an angry roar. Glass shattered over her head and Squall was thrown backwards._

All her fault

Feeling the warm sting of tears, she clenched her teeth and swallowed them down.

She was contemplating getting up to get more coffee when the door of the cafeteria opened and Irvine walked in. He glanced around the empty room until he spotted her in the corner. His steps were heavy as he made his way over to her and the expression on his face made dread slide down Quistis' spine. He looked like he'd just had his heart offered to him on a platter.

He slid into the booth next to her. "He's awake."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Irvine slumped in a plastic chair with his hands thrust into his jacket pockets. Quistis was pacing before him as she talked to the headmaster on the phone. She was keeping it quiet but the nurse behind the desk periodically sent dark looks towards them. Irvine glared back and resisted the urge to snap at her.

He had the brunette's gunblade secure in its case at his feet. The Commander had been using his old gunblade, the Revolver; Lionheart had disappeared not long after the war. Squall had never mentioned the blue blade and Irvine had never asked. He nudged the case at his feet with a boot gently, and wondered what would happen to it now. Squall owned the blade, unlike some of the blades he borrowed from the Garden. Would he want to keep it if he couldn't use it? It was painfully obvious that Squall wouldn't be able to wield the weapon ever again.

Quistis shut her phone and stopped in front of him. She had a few scrapes along her face and arms from the mission, and the red marks stood out brightly on her pale skin. He wondered if he was that ghostly pale as well. "How'd it go?"

"How do you think?" she replied and passed a hand over her face wearily. "We should take him back home. Cid wants Dr. Kadowaki to look at him."

"And do what?" the question came out sharper then Irvine planned.

Quistis didn't answer and put her phone into her jean's pocket even though Irvine could see it was ringing again. "I'll go talk with the doctor here and have the bill sent to Balamb."

Irvine didn't reply and Quistis walked away, towards the doctor's desk on the other side of the room.

That left it to him to inform Squall that somehow he had to get out of the hospital and through the crowd of reporters outside to the ship. Knowing it wouldn't be an easy task, he hesitated. When Quistis glanced back at him in question, he grimaced and stood up. Before he could hesitate Irvine strode towards the room Squall had been given and rapping his knuckles on the door opened it.

Squall was curled on his side on the bed, hands loosely placed before him. His jacket and shirt had been bloody, so the doctors had put one of Irvine's shirts on him after the operation. The black material formed around his muscles and betrayed his tenseness. Not sleeping then.

"It's me, Irvine," he said and walking over, sank down on the side of the mattress. It depressed a little under his weight but Squall didn't acknowledge him, didn't even move. His eyes stared at the wall, blind.

It had been a shock when they had first opened. The pupils had disappeared, covered by a cloud of milky grey, like his irises had expanded inwards and enveloped them. They didn't look human, and Irvine shivered looking at them. The doctors said it was because of how the glass had entered the eyes and been extracted. Irvine didn't really understand all the terms they had used, but he knew it would be a while before he would be able to look at those eyes and not feel a twinge of unease.

His eyes weren't the only thing that had taken the impact of the flying glass. A multitude of tiny cuts freckled his face, some large gashes and others simple cuts. Dollet didn't have a military hospital and thus they didn't use magic, so the cuts had been cleaned and left alone to heal naturally. His hair had been cut as well during operation. Apparently doctors didn't have any qualms about cutting hair if it got in the way of their operation. It had been hacked away quickly, and then afterwards someone had fixed it up. The result was a simple cut above the ears.

Irvine studied it now and secretly liked it. The strong bones in the fighter's face were more pronounced now, harder, making him look older than his nineteen years. The scar between his eyes had faded to a light brown but it was also more noticeable without hair framing the face.

Squall still hadn't moved or spoken. He must have sensed Irvine's eyes, but if he had he ignored the examination.

"Squall?" Irvine asked. The doctors had also mentioned something about some effects Squall might suffer immediately after waking up, but Irvine didn't remember what they were.

Squall was naturally a silent man, but this silence was grating on the nerves.

"Squall, we're gonna leave." Still no response. "Nod your head if you're even hearing me. Anything. Just do _something_, for the love of Hyne."

"How?"

Irvine almost didn't catch the question. "What?" he asked, not understanding.

"How are we going to leave, Irvine?" Squall spat and pushed himself up into a sitting position. "I can't even find my way out of the fucking room."

His friend's tone was harsh and low, the vulgarity giving an edge to the hard sounds.

Irvine rubbed the back of his neck in agitation. He wanted to pull Squall to his chest and crush him in hug, but that was out of the question. "Let me get a wheelchair," he suggested.

Squall's cloudy eyes had found their way to him as he spoke, and now they stared at him. A twitch of a muscle was all the warning Irvine got before Squall lost it. It was the flight or fight instinct. Squall had always been one to fight, but this time it seemed a mix of the too; the urge to fight warring with the need to flee.

Irvine snagged Squall's arm before he made it off the bed, ducked the side hook aimed towards him, and pushed his weight into the smaller man, bearing him back down on the bed. Squall thrashed underneath him, snarling. Irvine grunted as an elbow jabbed him savagely in the abdomen, and struggled to hold the arms down.

"Squall! Calm down!"

When no immediate effect was forthcoming, Irvine eyed the emergency button at the head of the bed, wondering how in the hell he was going to reach it. He didn't think Squall had even heard him, too far gone in panic. He didn't know what had triggered it, maybe the word 'wheelchair'. It could have been anything at this point.

With a twist of his shoulders and hips, Squall heaved him off, and Irvine hit the floor with a curse. Squall rolled the other direction off the bed and ran. Leaping to his feet, his tailbone smarting, the sharpshooter punched the emergency button and took off after the brunette, tackling him from behind.

Wrapping his arms around Squall's chest and locking arms to body, he gripped his own wrist with one hand and heaved Squall away from the door he'd miraculously found. Squall was strong, but Irvine was taller and he used the height and weight to his advantage. He felt fingers clawing against his thighs while the chest under his arms heaved. He could hear Squall's throat working to hold down shattered sobs and wanted to cry himself.

He had to get Squall down. On his feet, the Commander's violent lashing out caused more damage than he could bear for more than a few minutes. Step by step, he pulled himself and the brunette away from the door until his back hit a wall. Then, pushing his knees behind Squall's, brought his weight down. The pressure of his knees behind Squall's caused the latter's knees to buckle and they both collapsed. Irvine gritted his teeth as his tailbone took another hit but tightened his arms.

A few seconds after they'd hit the floor, the door slammed open with Quistis framed in the doorway. Irvine watched her take in the scene with something akin to horror before the doctor pushed her aside ungraciously and ran towards him.

"Careful," he hissed as the man knelt next to him and pulled something out of his pocket. Squall was still drowning in his panic and unpredictable. There was a flash of silver and Squall gave a surprised jolt as the needle broke the skin of his upper arm. It didn't take long for the drug to rush through the blood system, and Squall's weight slumped back against Irvine's chest, his muscles sedating into paralysis. The brunette was obviously aware of the effects because he gave a snarl of protest but finally his head lolled back against Irvine's shoulder and his breathing evened out.

Irvine let his own head fall back against the wall behind him and breathed out a sigh.

"Post traumatic effects," the doctor said into the silence. "The sedative with help him sleep."

"Will it happen again?" Quistis asked from the door.

The doctor stood and shrugged. "Every patient is different." He murmured something to Quistis about paperwork and left the room. Slowly Irvine unlocked his wrists, his muscles stiff with exertion. Squall's breath was warm against his neck, and a shiver went down his spine.

"I think a wheelchair is out of the question," he finally said, looking up towards Quistis. She looked at him strangely, not getting the joke. Shaking his head at her questioning look, he shifted until he could get his knees under him and hooking an arm underneath Squall's knees, pushed himself onto his feet, cradling the smaller man against his chest.

Quistis wiped the back of her hand under her eyes and walked over.

"I don't know how to help him, Irvine," she whispered.

"We do what we can," he replied "First we get him home."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer tapped his finger impatiently on his desk as the phone continued to ring. Rain lashed the window in angry strokes, but he didn't close the blinds against it. The fury of the storm was soothing to the chaos in his mind.

The reporter on the TV disappeared and Seifer's eyes darted to the screen to watch footage taken hours ago. Even from the distance the film had been taken from he recognized Trepe as she stepped out of a building. Kinneas came out after her carrying a body. They were both immediately swamped by microphones and tape recorders. The camera tried to zoom in on the body clutched in Kinneas' arms, but Quistis was stepping in front of him, blocking the view.

More footage, taken later, showed the Ragnarok door opening. The camera was closer this time, jostling around as Balamb security tried to shove the cameraman back. Through the tilting however it was still possible to see Leonhart in the ship's doorway, recognizable even with his hair shorn short, standing this time between his two comrades. The footage showed Squall shaking his head and backing away into shadows before the camera was forcibly taken and turned away.

"Seifer is that you?" a miserable voice said from the phone as the call finally connected. The reporter came back onto the screen with an old picture of Leonhart in a conference set in the top corner.

"Laguna," he greeted belatedly. "I got your message."

"That was a while ago," the president commented.

"I've been busy."

"I haven't seen you for a long time. Are you going to come up and visit?"

The cheerful voice was gone. Seifer wondered if Laguna had had to find out about the accident from the news or if someone had had the decency to call him before it had been broadcasted all over the world. "I've got to wrap up a case here but yes, I'll come."

"Still working as a lawyer? One day I'm going to have to create a scene just to see you dressed up in a suit." Laguna chuckled but the amusement died a minute later. "Has … have you looked into … it?"

Seifer rubbed his face tiredly. The evidence of looking into _it _was scattered all over his desk. The second he'd heard he'd called in for reports and files. "From all angles it just looks like a freak accident, Laguna." He said, breaking the news bluntly. "There's nothing yet to point to anything other than that." He heard Laguna sigh on the other end. "There's not always someone to blame."

"But why did it have to happen to him?" Laguna complained, giving into his obvious frustration. "He's nineteen years old! He had his whole life ahead of him." There was a muted sound of books falling to the ground, like the president had shoved them off a desk with a vicious swipe. Angry then; that meant he'd found out from the news.

Seifer leaned forward over the desk, propping his elbows on it and raked a hand through his hair. Laguna was taking it harder than he thought he might; a father's fear for his son.

"He'll get through it" Seifer told the president, not voicing his own worries.

"You think so?"

"He's a fighter. He's never slow about getting back up once he's fallen."

Laguna pulled himself together and cleared his throat. "I'll see what I can do to get him up here. Maybe it'd help to get away." Laguna forced cheer into his voice and added innocently, "Maybe you'll still be here when he comes. It would be like old times, the three of us."

Seifer's hand flinched in his hair, tugging his blonde locks. Wincing, he retracted his hand and sat up suspiciously, going over Laguna's words again carefully. Did he know?

"Perhaps," he replied ambiguously.

"If you're not here in a week, I'm flying down to get you," Laguna said in way of goodbye before hanging up on him.

Cursing softly, Seifer put the phone down. Laguna was a conniving bastard sometimes, teasing but never letting on what exactly he knew.

The footage on the news now showed Balamb's Headmaster, ushering people outside of Balamb's gates, shaking his head and giving no comment to the questions asked of him. Seifer turned the TV off and closed his eyes, but the image of Leonhart's limp form pressed against his lids, giving him no respite.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall pushed back into the corner, feeling the solid weight press into his shoulder blades. The feeling of it helped keep him grounded, kept him from drifting into the blackness and getting lost. He couldn't help but stare into the emptiness, stretching forever before him. It was Time Compression all over again, miles of nothing all around him. And he couldn't get out.

The door slid open, and he tightened his arms around his knees. There was a pause and then footsteps made their way towards him. The carpet muted the noise, but he followed the sound until he could sense the person standing above him. He didn't want to care about the person's identity but it ate at him, not knowing.

The presence crouched down next to him; too close. He thought about shifting away, but he'd backed himself into a corner already. There was nowhere to go.

"Squall, you should try and rest."

Dr. Kadowaki

He knew what he was going to say, didn't want to, but the words came anyways. "Please…" he breathed, throat clenching. "There must be something you can do."

He heard her swallow. "There's nothing I can do, Squall. I'm sorry."

He dug his nails into his palms and wondered if a blind man could cry. "A cornea transplant?"

"The glass damaged the back of the eyes. A cornea transplant wouldn't give you your sight back."

No way out. The darkness seemed to laugh at him. He didn't realize he had a stranglehold on his wrists until Dr. Kadowaki gently pried his fingers apart. "Rest, please," she pleaded and with a squeeze of her fingers let go and stood up. She walked away and the door hissed open and closed.

Rest. The word was seductively inviting. Asleep, he wouldn't have to stare at the blackness. The black chasm in front of him kept him where he was.

He sat there for another minute or two before he realized he'd have to move, now or later.

He could crawl or he could stand up and try to find his way across the room.

Gathering his suddenly shaky legs under him he braced his hands on the wall and stood up still backed into the corner. Sliding along it, away from the emptiness in front of him, he started moving. It didn't take him long to run into something, causing something rattle. Keeping his left hand against the wall, he reached his other down, fingers hitting wood that was higher up than thought with a painful jab. Cursing, he pulled his fingers back and flexed them.

The damn thing was in his way. He turned until only a shoulder was in contact with the wall and reaching both hands down, carefully this time, he probed until he had grasped two sides of the small table. Then, with a grunt, he heaved it away from himself. There was a loud crash and the sound of something expensive breaking. He breathed out hard as the violence swirled in the air.

He wanted to put his back to the wall again, but he resisted the urge and keeping one hand against it, walked forward three more steps before his knees hit something soft. He was beside the bed.

Before he could think to do anything else, the horror of it all caught up with him and he collapsed, inhaling but getting no air as panic coursed through him.

Was this what it was going to be like?

No! He didn't want it. There had to be some way to fix it. He didn't want it!

Ribs heaving under sobs that wouldn't come and eyes burning, he pulled himself onto the bed and curled into a defensive ball.


	2. Chapter 2

Quistis sat in Squall's chair and stared around the office, simply looking at the room itself for the first time. Weapons' magazines littered the coffee table that sat in front of the black leather couch against one wall. Filing cabinets filled the other side of the wall, two on each side of a bookcase filled with SeeD manuals and textbooks. The desk itself stood just off the third wall, so that there was a clear path from the door to the desk for any unfortunate cadet who had been sent to see the Commander.

The office smelled like coffee and leather and was set at a comfortable temperature, not bare of human comforts and jacket-wearing cold like some rumors led to believe. The room was neat and clean; welcoming, even if that hadn't been the intent.

The desk itself, unlike the room, was cluttered. Work papers were neatly placed in one of three bins at one corner with the phone and the computer sat on the other corner, but in between the two there was an array of open books and sheets of paper with highlighted sentences. She picked one page up and tried to determine what it was about but all she could manage to put together was that it was talking about the human mind. Another page lying on an open book was about memory. Apparently Squall had been doing some extracurricular studying just before the mission and hadn't had time to put it all away.

A coffee mug had been abandoned on one side, a bottle of pain relievers next to it. She frowned at the combination and hoped that wasn't all he'd consumed before he'd left.

Sighing, she nudged the empty box by her feet sadly and started to gather up the papers on the desk. Setting them in the books to mark the pages needlessly, she put these in the bottom of the box and then opened the bottom most drawer of the desk's square leg. When she saw what was in the drawer she laughed softly and took them out one by one. All the framed awards he'd ever been given, shoved away out of sight. Those too she put in the box and moved on to the next draw. Systematically she cleared out Squall's personal stuff, leaving Garden issued items behind. She tried not to think too much about what she was doing, knowing that if she did she'd start crying.

When she'd worked her way around the room and ended up back at the desk, she sat down heavily in the leather chair and leaned back, wondering what would become of the room now.

She brought her knee up to cross her legs but the desk was lower than she expected and her knee banged into the underside of the hard wood. Cursing she pushed the chair back from the desk, and it was then that she realized she'd missed a drawer. It sat just above the roll out keyboard, thin and long. Pulling it open she glanced in: Pencils, highlighters, and more papers.

Pulling the stack out she flipped through it to see if it should go in the box. A folder on Sorceresses powers, a news clipping on the end of the war. Seeing the gloss of an old picture, she pulled it out and smiled. The image was of Laguna Lorie and Squall's mother, Raine Leonhart. The two stood wrapped in each other's arms, smiling happily towards the camera. She flipped it over and saw Laguna's handwriting, large and flowing. _Squall, I've been carrying this picture around for years, but I think it's time to hand it over to you - Happy Birthday. A father's love_

She put the picture back in its spot gently. They'd all known before Squall, when the Estharian President had arrived at the victory celebration. Standing side by side, the resemblance was undeniable. Leaning over she went to place the pile in the full box when something fell away and landed on the floor. It was another picture. Picking it up, she furrowed her brows in confusion.

What was a picture of Seifer Almasy doing in Squall's personal papers?

There was a knock on the door before it opened. Quistis placed the picture back in the pile and let it drop in the box before straightening as the Headmaster Cid walked into the office.

"Sir," she said in surprise and stood to salute.

"At ease," Cid replied with an impatient wave of his hand. He studied her as she sat back down. "You look good behind a desk."

"Sir?"

Cid didn't reply to her questioning look and slowly walked around the office, now devoid of any personal touches. Again he studied her, as if making up his mind about something. "How is Squall?" he asked.

"He's been sleeping," she replied, biting off her added thought that if the headmaster had gone down to the infirmary himself he'd have known that Squall had done nothing but sleep in the last week. She didn't know why Cid hadn't been down to visit his Second in Command, and tried to refrain from making theories. She had never understood the Headmaster all that well, and didn't think trying to find the answer would get her anywhere.

Cid paused by the couch and look out the window at the Balamb plains. "The World Council is in a few weeks,' he said not turning around. "Balamb needs to be represented by a Commander."

Quistis looked down at the box on the floor at her feet. In other words, Cid needed to appoint a new Commander. Squall hadn't only lost his sight; he'd lost his job as well. Though it hadn't been said yet, he'd probably lost his seat in the World Council as well. He'd been given it for leading the defeat of Ultimecia. The fact that he was Balamb's Commander simply meant that there was one less chair.

Logically, from Cid's standpoint, it was the only thing that could be done in the circumstances, but she really didn't blame Squall for sleeping the week away. What was there for him to wake up to anymore?

"There wasn't a Commander before you gave the position to Squall," she pointed out.

"After NORG, I needed someone to handle the financial side of running the Garden and SeeD operations."

Quistis remembered. He'd thrown the bomb of a gift at Squall and run off so that he wouldn't have to face his wife across the battlefield. She supposed she could understand, but it had been anything but welcome to Squall who had been in the middle of trying to fight a war.

Cid had come back after the war when Squall had immersed himself completely in missions, completing one only to jump into another, working feverishly with no stop. She'd worried about the brunette then, wondering why he didn't stop. She'd thought for a time that he might have been on a battle high from the war. She had felt it herself the first week after the war when she found she no longer needed to fight for her life every day, but Squall had kept at it for months until he'd overstrained himself and ended up in the infirmary.

Cid had finally acted then, pulling the Commander off the field and putting him behind a desk. Squall had overseen some of the bigger missions but the need for missions lessened the further away from the war they got. And then Cid had left again. He'd come back now and again to oversee the Garden's progress, but there wasn't much for him to do once Squall had taken over the paperwork. Just advisement when Squall needed an opinion on a particular decision and appearances at conferences.

Squall hadn't been out in the field for months before this last mission. It was why she'd pushed at him to go with them, knowing the public would appreciate a glimpse of the fighter in action again. She'd also hoped that it would pull him out of his recent dark mood.

"The position wasn't only for Second in Command, Quistis," Cid said, breaking into her thoughts. He had turned to look at her, seeming to know where her thoughts had led her. "You could say that it was training."

Quistis blinked in surprise. "You were going to give Squall headmastership?" She supposed she should have seen it. Why else would Cid have pushed himself so far into the background?

Cid smiled slightly. "He had promise, that boy. A quick mind and sound instincts."

Not liking the past reference words, Quistis tried to bring them back to the point of Cid's visit. "So you've found a replacement then?"

"I have a few ideas," the headmaster said and paused before he dropped the bait. "Would you accept the position, if I offered it to you?"

Quistis' eyes widened, Cid's innocent words of _you look good behind a desk _running though her mind. She quickly stood and distanced herself from the desk she'd been sitting at. "Me?" Her voice came out squeaky and she hastily cleared her throat. "Sir, I'm not sure-"

"Think on it," Cid said, interrupting her mid-sentence.

She watched him leave the room and cursed after him once he was out of earshot. He'd always had a knack for surprising her in the least expected way. Her as Commander, soon to be Headmistress? Cid was out of his mind to even propose it.

She stomped back to the desk to stoop and retrieve the box of Squall's items, and then paused. Cid had said he had a few ideas, so there were other candidates. Nida and XU might be high on that list, having taken over the running of the Garden when Squall literally jumped through time to save them all.

She made her way to Squall's apartment suite mulling it all over in her mind. If she was truthful, her incredulity at the situation wasn't because she couldn't do the job; she knew she could, probably more gracefully than Squall had. What ate at her was that knowledge that she'd be stealing the job right out from under Squall's nose.

Keying in the code that she'd been given, she opened Squall's door and went in to place the box on Squall's desk. She wondered what would happen to the stuff now, and making her way back out of the room decided that she'd visit the infirmary. Maybe Squall would be awake and aware enough to eat something.

She'd barely made it out of the apartment suites however before her phone vibrated against her hip. Digging it out, she flipped it open. "Trepe."

"You don't have to go all formal on me Quisty you know that," a cheerful voice replied on the other side of the line.

"Oh, Selphie. Sorry, I didn't check the ID. How's Trabia?"

"Great!" Selphie's voice came in a burst. "We just finished the last of the rebuilding! It's been two long years of hammer and nails but Trabia looks even better than before."

"That's great Selphie." The comment came out a little dry. Quistis _was_ glad that all Selphie's hard work had paid off but she couldn't bring herself to share the joy. Maybe if the news had come two weeks earlier.

Her lack of enthusiasm didn't seem to daunt the other woman. "Isn't it? I helped the young children settle in their new foster families today. But anyways I wanted to check up on you and let you know that I bought a ticket for Balamb today. I'm gonna come visiting! I'm packing right now."

"You're coming today?" Quistis asked in surprise.

"I wish. The train leaves in two days!"

Quistis thought about telling Selphie that packing was useless that early before a trip but decided against it. Selphie wouldn't listen anyways. "That's wonderful." She replied instead. "We could certainly use your cheerfulness down here."

"Of course you do," Selphie agreed readily. "Whenever I leave I come back to find you all frowning and taking classes on how to apply the Leonhart death glare. Seriously I don't know how you get along without me." Quistis opened her mouth to ask how much the petite girl knew but Selphie interrupted her. "I got the scoop on Squall from Irvine already so no need to explain. How are _you _holding up Quisty?"

Quistis let a weary sigh escape. "I'm not sure Selphie. So much has happened in the last week."

"You sound tired. Are you getting enough sleep?"

Quistis didn't answer. How could she explain that every time she closed her eyes she saw the explosion? It was her fault that Squall had even been on that mission.

"Quisty," Selphie whined into the silence. "Don't beat yourself up. Squall will be fine."

"He won't ever see again!" Quistis snapped and immediately regretted the words. "Sorry."

"It's alright." Selphie replied soothingly. "But really Quistis no matter how much you think this is your fault – I know you're doing it because you always do – it's not. You couldn't have known this would happen. Unless you knew that tank would explode then it's not your fault."

"I should have known something would happen."

"Quistis stop." Selphie ordered, a hard edge coming into her voice. "You're blowing this out of proportion. Look, there's a blind women down here in Trabia. She does just fine. Reads those books for the blind and all. A nice young man helps her around town all the time. Just because Squall can't see any more doesn't mean he can't do anything ever again."

Quistis rubbed her face with her free hand. "Since when did you become so good at giving advice, Selphie?"

"Since I started looking after my best friends!" came the instantaneous reply. "I miss you sooooo much Quisty!"

"I miss you too, Selphie. I'm glad you're coming down."

"I'm going to plan trips down to the beach and picnics and-"

Quistis listened to Selphie's charade of plans indulgently. Before Selphie had left for Trabia they had made plans like these - or Selphie had made the plans and the rest of them went along with it. Squall had declined more often than not with the excuse that he had work, but those times when he agreed were some the best days she'd ever had.

When Selphie's list didn't seem to be coming to a close Quistis cleared her throat. "That sounds great Selphie. I'm sure we'll have fun."

Selphie giggled happily in agreement. "Have you heard from Zell yet?"

"No, he's still in Centra for another month. I've left a message." She paused before rushing ahead, desperately needing advice. "Cid asked me if I'd take over the position of Commander."

"Really? That's great! You said yes of course."

"I didn't say anything._ Is_ it great, Selphie? I feel like I'd be twisting the knife in Squall's stomach, taking his job from underneath him like that."

She heard Selphie sigh tolerantly. "If you don't take the job, Quis, someone else will. Squall's not going to be upset if you take over. He knows you're competent enough. If he does get upset, that's just his own damn fault."

"But it's not his fault. None of this is."

"You really do go in full circles, don't you Quisty," Selphie said, chuckling before sobering again. "It's not your fault either. It's no one's fault. It just happened, and everyone has to make the most out of the pieces. Like the war. We had to do our best with what we were given."

"So you think I should take the job?"

"Better you, than someone else. Besides, you're a war hero too; people know you." Selphie started to say something else but stopped mid-word. Quistis distantly heard words being shouted on the other side of the line. After a second the sounds became muffled as if Selphie had put a hand over the phone to block it out. A second later the shouting died away and Selphie's bubbly voice came back.

"Sorry 'bout that. I've got to go. Don't worry about it, okay? I love you Quisty! And don't forget, my train comes into Balamb in two days. See you soon!"

Before Quistis could repeat the goodbye the line went dead.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Kiros came into the office with a handful of papers and a package, Laguna was busy reading his computer screen. That in itself wasn't unusual, but the intent concentration on the president's face was. He gestured for Kiros to put the papers on the desk and immediately went back to what he'd been reading. After a minute he realized Kiros hadn't left and looked up again, giving his friend and advisor a distracted look.

"I've never seen you so transfixed by work, Laguna." Kiros said once he saw he had the president's attention.

A spark of guilt flashed into Laguna's eyes. "Oh, um … well I … I'm not exactly working."

Kiros sent a slow look towards the stack of papers in the president's in-box –much higher than usual – before coming around the desk to put a hand on Laguna's shoulder. The website on the computer had the heading _Blindness: Questions and Answers_. Kiros squeezed the shoulder under his hand sympathetically and didn't say any more on it.

"This package came through." He said, handing the box to Laguna.

Laguna set it aside on his desk, avoiding Kiros' eye for a few seconds before conceding. "It's Braille. For Squall."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it." Kiros said with a soft smile and walked to the window to close it against the coming storm. Already dark clouds were swirling in the sky, waiting to unleash their downpour.

"You think?" Laguna called after him. "Squall didn't like it very much when I bought him that convertible last year and he refused my offer on the vacation house."

"A book is small compared to a house. I don't think he'll mind much Laguna."

Laguna did have the tendency to buy his son expensive things. Luckily for the budget Squall had refused most gifts. Laguna spent as much time sending things to Squall as Squall spent sending them back to Kiros.

"How about a dog? There are special dogs that could help him navigate."

"Probably not," he said over his shoulder and went to the wall length bookcases, stopping in front of the array of picture frames.

In the picture he had sought Squall was sitting on the edge of a fountain with a knee balancing his elbow. It looked as if he'd been caught in the act of looking towards the camera. Laguna, a picture collector, claimed that he had needed to resort to devious means if he had any chance at getting a recent picture of Squall. Kiros knew there was a stash of more pictures in Laguna's desk, but he'd warned him it was probably only safe to put one picture of Squall on display, or the rest would meet an unfortunate end with a Gunblade.

Along with Squall, there were pictures of Ellone and Raine and one of Ward and himself. Towards the back however, blonde hair contrasted with the breed of dark hair. Seifer Almasy smirked lazily, the camera capturing a devious twinkle in his eye.

The blonde hadn't liked his picture put on display with the others but Laguna had been adamant.

The President had been the one to find Seifer, unconscious in the presidential gardens after the war had ended, almost at the same time he'd received the call that Rinoa had succeeded in pulling Squall out of Time Compression. Laguna had taken it upon himself to give the wanted man a place to stay the night and one night had turned into weeks. Kiros still didn't know if it had been the right thing to do, housing a man wanted for murder and treason, but Laguna had always had a weakness for strays.

Seifer had left after his trial and pardon to live in Deling and become a lawyer, but the President and Knight had created a bond somehow while Kiros hadn't been looking and it had lasted easily since.

"When did you say Seifer was visiting?" he asked, turning away from the picture. It wasn't that he didn't like Seifer – the man was easy enough to like when he wasn't being a bastard – he just worried that Laguna trusted the man too much.

"Within the week. Oh! I've got to call Dr. Kadowaki!"

Kiros decided he didn't want to know.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Quistis stared at the long gash in the infirmary wall with apprehension. It was clear a blade had been taken to it, but whether it was a vicious strike or an accident she couldn't tell. Striding to the closet where Dr. Kadowaki kept the unneeded personal items of her patients, where she herself had placed Squall's blade, she tore the door open and stared inside. The case was open and the blade gone.

"Shit," she muttered, wondering how in the hell Squall had managed to get it.

Snapping the door shut again she made a run for Squall's room, images of him slashing his wrists searing into her mind. She had just reached the door when a screech of metal on metal sounded through the wood. She shoved the door inward and rushed inside into chaos.

Squall was standing near the center of the room, panting harshly as he wrenched his Gunblade from the metal bed frame where it had stuck. Metal screeched again as Squall's blade was pulled from the rent it had made. There were horizontal marks on the walls and the lamp that had been replaced on the end table lay in pieces on the floor. Her frantic eyes searched for blood, but there was none, just sweat sticking the cotton shirt to a muscled torso.

"Are you insane!" she shouted and pushed the door further in so that it banged against the wall. Squall's shoulder's flinched at the sound and he turned his head towards her. She stalked forwards, her mind doing cartwheels as her emotions plummeted from her initial panic into anger and fear. What the hell was he doing? There was no wild edge to his movements so he wasn't simply carving out his anger.

Squall lowered the blade and she stopped a few feet away. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked harshly, fighting the urge to wrestle the weapon away from the brunette. Hyne, just one miscalculated slip and he could embed the long blade in his own leg.

Squall's hand tightened on the handle as if he could sense that Quistis was about to pounce. "Practicing," he said in a hard voice.

"Practicing what? How to destroy the room?" She immediately wished she could take her words back as Squall's face tightened and he turned away. "Squall, I'm sorry." She placed a hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away with his back still turned. "I panicked. And… I don't think it's a good idea to be swinging your blade around right now?" Never. It was never going to be a good time, not now. She had thought that Squall had realized it too, but apparently he'd skipped over that finer detail.

It was then that it finally processed that he was awake and out of bed. He was standing up, for god's sake, and she had immediately started yelling at him. Feeling like her emotions were all over the place, she took a deep breath and tried to still the churning in her stomach.

Squall was a careful man, thinking before he acted, right?

No, he'd always been a bit reckless. He was being reckless now, handling a gunblade when he couldn't see what he might hit.

"Squall… will you please just give me your blade."

"No."

"Squall!"

"Oh dear" a new voice interrupted in the doorway.

Quistis whipped around as Dr. Kadowaki walked into the room and assessed the damage with an unreadable expression. Then she glanced between Quistis and Squall and the palpable tension swimming between them. She smiled gently at Quistis and nodded her head towards the door. "Why don't you go to my office and get a cup of tea Quistis?"

Knowing Squall wouldn't see it, she sent a glare towards him anyways before stalking out. Once she'd made it to the safety of the Doctor's office, she let out her clenched breath and sat down on the worn couch in the room. She wouldn't have been so angry if she wasn't so scared.

"_Can't you drive faster?" Irvine shouted over Squall's choked screams as he struggled to hold down the brunette's convulsing limbs. "I'm going as fast as I can," she snarled back, fighting the urge to let go of the wheel and block out the sounds her friend was making. _

Quistis blinked and raised a hand to her wet cheek. Dr. Kadowaki had said that Squall didn't remember the accident, but she remembered every minute and feared that it would haunt her for years.

Dr. Kadowaki came into the office but stopped when she caught sight of Quistis. "Are you alright honey?"

Quistis tried to smile. "Yes. I'm fine."

The older woman studied her, obviously not believing her assertion. "You haven't been sleeping very well have you?" It wasn't a question but Quistis found herself answering anyways.

"Every time I close my eyes I see the accident."

Dr. Kadowaki gave her a sympathetic look and walked to a cabinet. She rummaged around a little and finally came up with a bottle that she handed to Quistis. "Here. These will help. Take one before you're ready to sleep."

Quistis took the bottle and stared at it for a minute, before looking back up at the doctor. "I've never seen him in that much pain, not even in the war. To be experiencing it… I can't believe Squall doesn't remember it."

The older women sat down next to Quistis. "That's _why_ he doesn't remember, Quistis. His body remembers the pain but his mind forgets. It's subconscious; he doesn't know he's blocking the memory."

Quistis shook her head, confused. "I don't understand. How can you block a memory?"

The doctor was silent for a minute, obviously preparing her answer. "You know the side-effects of junctioning a Guardian Force."

"Yes. I was there when SeeD discovered the truth. The longer you junction the more susceptible you are to lost memories." It was why SeeD reframed from using the creatures unless they needed the junction to allow them to stock magic.

Dr. Kadowaki nodded. "I've been keeping an eye out for any other effects since then and haven't seen any … until now."

Quistis turned to face the other women. "What are you saying? That because Squall junctioned GFs he now has the capability to lose his memories on his own?"

"The memory is still there Quistis, it's just buried deep. And no, Squall is not doing it, his subconscious mind is."

She contemplated that. "I've used GFs. Half the Garden has."

Dr. Kadowaki shook her head. "I think he's junctioned more than anyone realized, Quistis."

Quistis' stomach began to churn uncomfortably again. "…You're not saying that he was junctioning after the war, are you? That was after we found out! Why the hell would he continue to use them?"

"I thought maybe you knew." Dr. Kadowaki replied, frowning thoughtfully.

All those missions Squall had been on. He hadn't needed magic for most of them, didn't need to junction, but what if he had? As Commander, he had access to all the Guardian Forces stored in Balamb. Theoretically he could have junctioned every single one without anyone guessing.

"How many has he junctioned since the war?" she demanded but the doctor shook her head to show she didn't know. "He was intentionally junctioning Guardian Forces knowing that he'd lose some of his memories in the process?" Quistis stood up abruptly and turned towards the window where a breeze was swirling leaves passed. "Why would he do that?"

Dr. Kadowaki stayed on the couch, giving her space.

Quistis looked over her shoulder at the woman. Squall knew the risks, as much as she did. "He _wanted_ to lose a memory?" The doctor didn't answer and Quistis rubbed her face with both hands. What could Squall have wanted to forget?

"When you don't use the Guardian forces for extended periods of time, the memories come back." She said, thinking out loud. "He's been off the field for months." As long as he hadn't stayed junctioned when off the field, the memory could have resurfaced, triggered by something small.

Causing a sudden withdrawal?

She had thought that Squall's dark mood had been because of whatever had happened between him and Rinoa, but now… Was Rinoa's leaving caused from the returned memories as well?

What the hell had he tried to forget?

She thought back to the papers she'd found spread across Squall's desk that morning. They'd been on memory and the mind.

As a sudden thought occurred to Quistis, she whirled back to face the doctor. "What about this subconscious mind trick? Does it work the same? Will the memory of the accident come back too?"

"Eventually, yes. If I'm correct in my theories."

"If he remembers the accident…"

Dr. Kadowaki answered Qusitis' unasked question. "I don't know what will happen Quistis. I've never seen anyone who could repress a memory in the first place. People can push them to the back of their minds or distort them but to completely block it?"

"But you have a theory?"

The doctor rubbed the bridge of her nose. "My guess is that when the memory comes back it will come back like any other memory you or other SeeDs have had returned to you; when something triggers it."

Quistis walked back to the couch and sat down heavily, trying to take it all in. Too much had happened that day; all she wanted to do was crawl under some blankets in a dark room and pretend none of it had happened.

"What did you do after I left the room?" she finally asked.

"He agreed to leave the weapon in its case as long as it stayed with him."

Quistis gave a low laugh and shook her head before sobering again. "He wants it all to be like it was before. But it can't." She knew the biggest problem with the whole situation. Squall never asked for help. He never even admitted it when he did.

And now he was in a position where he needed it.


	3. Chapter 3

Irvine scrunched up his eyes in annoyance as the phone's shrill ring pierced his eardrums. It couldn't possibly be morning yet. Rolling over he patted his hand around the bedside table searching for the object producing the awful sound. He growled when he couldn't find it and sat up rubbing his face.

Turning the lamp on, he blearily scanned the table for the phone. When his eyes picked out a grey blur he snatched it up and quickly turned it on silent. Only then did he look at the screen.

**Infirmary** flashed up at him

He fumbled with phone in his haste to answer it but finally managed to get it to his ear after it had rung two more times.

"Is everything all right doctor?"

"Irvine come down here."

"Squall?" Irvine blinked a couple times to make sure he was awake. "Is uh… is everything all right? Where's Dr. Kadowaki? How'd you get to a phone?"

"Just get down here. And bring coffee." There was a click as the phone was put back in its cradle.

A second later he was hopping into pants and pulling a button-up shirt over his arms. Was Squall out of his mind? It was the middle of the night, what was he trying to –

Ah. Going at a slower pace, Irvine pulled his boots on and buttoning his shirt, left his room, heading for the cafeteria. It was very Squall like, to sneak out without permission in the middle of the night.

He hoped that it meant the brunette would begin to do more than stare at the back of his eyelids.

Squall was sitting on the lobby's couch, his Gunblade case leaning next to him, when Irvine tiptoed in with the coffee and some food. The room was dark, Squall not needing the light now.

Squall turned his head as the door closed. "Irvine?"

"You're going to get us both in trouble, you know that," Irvine whispered back, walking over in the dark.

Ignoring Squall's automatic scowl, Irvine put the coffee against the brunette's hand until he took hold of the cup. "Here. Straight, nothing added, the way you like. I have food that you're going to eat too"

Squall ignored him and took a sip. Irvine sat down on the couch next to the quiet man and set the bag of food down on the ground. "So, mind telling me what you think you're going to do?" When he didn't get a response he prodded flesh.

"I'm getting out of here," Squall said shying away from Irvine's finger.

"I'm glad you're up Squall, I really am, but I don't think it's a great idea for you to be alone."

"I don't need a damn babysitter Irvine," Squall replied, his voice hard and unfriendly. "I just ... need help getting to my room." The last part of Squall's sentence was pushed past clenched teeth.

Irvine tapped his foot lightly against the floor, thinking. "What if you need something and no one's there to show you where it is?'

"I'll find it."

"Are you sure?" Squall remained silent refusing to repeat himself.

"Here's the deal," Irvine finally said after minutes of silence. "I could get into really big trouble if I just left you alone. So if you want to sleep in your room then I'm sleeping on your couch. You can just call my name if you need something."

"No."

"And you have to eat when we get there." Irvine added eyeing Squall's thin frame critically.

"No," Squall repeated and stood up, grasping his Gunblade case in a white knuckled grip.

Irvine stood up as well and put a restraining hand on the brunette's shoulder. "It's not like I'm asking to sleep in your bed with you." _I wish_, he added in the safety of his mind.

Squall knocked his hand away. "I'll get to my room myself."

"Squall, it was right to call. Now please, let me help you."

Squall's expression was angry for a long time. Finally he nodded. Irvine picked up the bag of food from the floor and analyzed the situation. "I could keep a hand under your elbow—"

"Don't touch me." Squall snarled.

Irvine raised his hands in peace forgetting that the action wouldn't matter. "Okay, sorry. I guess there can only be so much change in one day." He backed up and glanced from Squall to the infirmary door. "So…"

Without waiting for Irvine to speak up again Squall started forward. "Tell me if there's something in front of me," he bit out.

The sharpshooter watched as Squall moved forward, keeping in contact with the couch at all times. Once he had moved past it his steps became a little slower as if he had to make himself take each step. Irvine didn't really want to think about how disconcerting it would be to stand somewhere and not know what was around you, to have nothing to allow you to feel stable, so he didn't and instead backed towards the door. "The door is over here. It's a straight line with nothing in the way." Squall turned towards his voice and continued.

When Squall had reached him, he opened the door and talked the fighter through it. By the time they had reached the grand hallway they had created a system of Irvine telling Squall where things were placed in relation to him. Squall remained silent and followed the directions. It worked relatively well and Squall only ran into benches and potted plants occasionally.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall lay on top of the made bed and listened to Irvine sleeping. He wouldn't have expected the man to toss and turn so much… or breathe so loudly, but perhaps it was a consequence of sleeping on a couch. The sharpshooter had insisted that he'd be comfortable enough having slept on his share of couches before, so Squall had turned his back and left the persistent bastard to it.

He lifted his hand up in front of his face, flexing his fingers. If he pretended that it was simply too dark in the room to see anything, he could almost feel normal again, but it only worked for a few seconds at a time. If he was normal his eyes would have gradually adjusted and he'd be able to see dark blurs where his fingers were. There was only black now; and noise.

More noise than he had ever heard before.

He'd discovered that if he concentrated enough he could distinguish the difference in the hum of his refrigerator and the sound of the air coming out of the heater. On the tiles of the main hallway earlier that night he'd unconsciously compared his footsteps to Irvine's and noticed the difference there too. Once they had entered his room and stepped onto the carpeted floor the distinction had vanished and he'd realized what he was doing. He didn't know if it would work, but he tucked it into the back of his mind.

Restless, he sat up and slid to the side of the bed to stand up. Irvine shifted again on the couch, somewhere to the right of him. Turning that way, he cautiously made his way to the couch, listening to the other man's breathing. The other thing he'd learned was that people were warm. And the warmth kept the black from enveloping him in madness.

Reaching the back of the couch he looked down but there was nothing but Irvine's breathing to prove that he was there. Inching his way around the object, hardly realizing what he was doing, he came around to the front of the couch and crouched down. There.

Hesitating, he lifted a hand and lightly brought it down on something soft. A blanket most likely. And warmth underneath. He wondered if everyone gave off that much warmth on a regular basis. It seemed unnatural but he'd never paid attention before.

The body under his hand shifted and he yanked his hand away, mind finally catching up with his actions. He stilled his breathing, trying to hear Irvine's over his own and determine if the man had woken up. When it was clear he had not, he let out his breath. He must be out of his mind.

Moving his legs out from underneath him, he sat down and pulled his knees up to wrap his arms around. Leaning his shoulder against the couch he let his body slump into the position. He hadn't thought that he'd be so tired after sleeping for so long, but the sleep had only exhausted him further. It hadn't been restful, just oblivion from the world.

That oblivion beckoned but he fought it and instead briefly tried to picture the room. After a second he gave it up. He knew the desk was against the wall with the window and his bed against the wall opposite the door with the couch and TV between them. The kitchen and bathroom were on the other wall, but how far away was the door to the kitchen from the door to the bathroom? And was the desk closer to the window or closer to the door?

The room was no longer a welcome relief from the rest of the world, just another unknown.

But it was better than the infirmary. Here there was at least a sense that he wasn't completely useless. It was a façade, he'd be useless anywhere, but if he could just pretend…

He laid his head down, closer to the core of the warmth on the couch, his weary eyes closing and his mind involuntarily bringing up an image of blonde hair and an infectious smile.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Irvine blinked blearily, trying to process the sight before him. He sat up cautiously and rubbed a hand over his eyes and looked again, but nothing changed. Squall was leaning against the couch on the floor, asleep, with his head resting near where Irvine's torso had been. It was the closest Squall had ever gotten to him when situations didn't require it.

The smaller man hadn't been there when he'd fallen asleep so he must have made his way over after. Had he wanted something? He sat up the rest of the way, but the movement of the cushions under him alerted Squall and the brunette jolted upright.

"Easy there," Irvine said, sleep making his voice lower, and put a steadying hand on Squall's shoulder. Clouds of grey turned towards him, widened, and then he was shying away from Irvine's hand. Recognizing the damaged look, Irvine scrambled off the couch after the retreating man. Reaching him, he wrapped trembling muscles in an impulsive hug. The panic attack must not have been as bad as it had been a week ago in Dollet, because once Irvine's arms had wrapped around him, Squall stopped moving.

"Shh," Irvine soothed as the brunette shivered, not believing his luck. He'd expected more of a fight but the man sat passively in his embrace. He wondered if the brunette was really all that lucid at the moment.

Whatever panic Squall had felt faded and he turned his head into the crook of Irvine's neck. _That_ definitely wasn't normal.

"Squall?" he asked. His voice adjusted, sounding clearer this time, and the breath on his neck stilled.

"…Irvine?" the brunette asked hesitantly.

"I'm right here."

Squall attempted to pull away but Irvine didn't release his hold. Squall hadn't realized it was him, but had accepted the comfort. If someone had relayed these events to him later, he wouldn't have believed it. He didn't believe that Squall was the cold hearted bastard he was made out to be sometimes – had seen differently in the war as they'd fought at each other's back – just that he wasn't very affectionate. When he'd first met Squall, he'd thought perhaps it had to do with sexual orientation but had given the idea up when the man hadn't responded to his veiled interest.

Now, Squall – the man who didn't like to be hugged - was sitting limply in his arms. He was tense but he wasn't moving either.

Irvine had always prided himself on his ability to read body language fairly well, and one thing was obvious. Squall wanted comfort. Maybe he didn't even realize it himself, would probably deny it if asked, but the body didn't always follow the mind.

Experimentally, Irvine tightened his arms.

…And Squall slowly placed his head back onto Irvine's shoulder.

Irvine closed his eyes and tried to slow his swirling thoughts, surprised. That had been the last thing he's expected. It was one thing to hope, another to have it actually happen. Something was wrong. No, not wrong, just different. Something had changed. Whether it was because of the accident or something else, it had crumbled some of the high walls the ex-Commander had always kept around himself.

And Irvine understood. It wasn't the world's hero or Squall Leonhart, or even Balamb's Commander in his arms, just a nineteen year old boy, lost and alone.

He wanted to rub soothing circles along Squall's back but feared that any further movement would drive the skittish brunette away. It probably really _was_ too much to expect that. So they stayed like they were, kneeling against one another in silence.

The moment shattered when a fist crashed against the door.

Squall jerked away so fast his head clipped Irvine's chin, making the sharpshooter's teeth snap together painfully. Wincing, he watched Squall flee to the wall and from there to the nearest door which clicked shut and locked.

Flexing his jaw he got up to answer the door.

Quistis scowled at him when he gestured her in. She swept the room with her eyes before turning back towards him with a magnificent glower. Forestalling her demand, he nodded towards the bathroom and went to fold the blanket on the couch.

"You shouldn't have helped him leave," Quistis said angrily from behind him.

Preoccupied with his thoughts and speculations, Irvine took a minute to respond. "Why not? There's nothing that could happen there that can't happen here as well."

"There we could keep an eye on him."

"He doesn't want us to keep an eye on him." He placed the folded blanket on the chair set ninety degrees to the couch and then folded himself onto the couch's cushions. He didn't think Squall would have let Quistis or Rinoa hold him like he'd let Irvine, even now, after the accident. Did that make his suspicions of two years ago correct after all? There wasn't much to go on.

He glanced up and saw that Quistis was still frowning irritably at him. "If it makes you feel better, I stayed the night. He didn't try to impale himself on his sword or throw himself out the window."

Quistis' anger turned to exasperation at his lip and she walked over to sit down next to him. "I'm just worried." She muttered, running both hands through her hair, a habit that showed when she was upset. "I can't help it. Aren't you?"

"Support means trust as well," he reminded. He put his arm around her shoulders and gave a squeeze. "I don't think Squall is suicidal, Quis. He's just adjusting."

Quistis nodded but he saw her eyes wandering until they locked on Squall's Gunblade case leaning against the wall near the bed. She looked away quickly and became fascinated with her fingers. "Has he said anything about the accident?" she finally asked.

Irvine shook his head. "You think he'll remember it then? Eventually?"

Quistis nodded and told him what Dr. Kadowkai had told her yesterday, unrolling the story quickly.

When she had finished, Irvine sat mulling it all over. "What would he want to forget?"

"I think something happened in the war."

Irvine raised an eyebrow and turned towards the blonde woman. "We were all together for weeks. When would there have been time?"

"I don't know," Quistis replied, standing up to pace.

Irvine watched her, his own thoughts spinning, as he tried to think back. "What about Time Compression?" he asked finally. "He came out after us and only because Rinoa went back in for him."

"He never did say anything about it." Quistis agreed. "And as soon as he got back from visiting Laguna he took all those missions ensuring he could use the Guardian Forces."

"What about Rinoa? Do you think she knows something?"

Quistis shrugged and went to look out at the bright and sunny morning. "I'll give her a call later." She stared outside for a long moment and Irvine left her to her brooding, his own trying to break into his thoughts.

Squall had always had a melodramatic side to him but this was a new one, using the Guardian Forces to lose a memory. It seemed like a lot of trouble for one memory. How would he have known only that one memory would disappear; and known to continue to use the GFs if he'd forgotten why he'd done it in the first place? The brunette had always had a ridiculously high compatibility with Guardian Forces in general; maybe he had just asked Shiva to help.

Irvine smiled slightly at the thought.

"The memory of the accident. It might come back," Qusitis said, speaking up from the window. "If triggered," she added and turned to look at Irvine significantly.

Irvine nodded back to show he understood: Don't mention it, and hope that Squall didn't break a glass and flip when the sound played tricks with his mind.

Qusitis turned back to the window and with a jerky tug, pulled the blinds down to block out the sunlight.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall sat on the edge of the tub and listened to the conversation on the other side of the door.

He didn't focus long on the fact that he might remember whatever had happened in Dollet, that wasn't really important, not when placed next to what else they had discussed.

They knew.

Not much, but enough that he'd have to be careful to not give anything else away. He hadn't realized how hard that might be until that morning. He shivered in remembrance, and swallowed the bile rising in his throat. He hadn't been able to see Irvine and the man's voice had been lower than normal. Low like that voice in his memory, and warm. He'd confused reality with a memory.

Another disadvantage to his situation, he realized, with a sour taste in his mouth.

The memories had come back slowly, just images of cyan colored eyes at first but then full scenes played out in his head while he doubled over breathless. He'd been presented with an unfinished puzzle, and one by one the puzzle pieces had fallen into place, illustrating the pain he'd chosen to forget. Even then, it wasn't until the last piece had fallen that he'd realized exactly what he'd done.

Hyne, Seifer.


	4. Chapter 4

Seifer wandered around the pathways outside the presidential palace aimlessly, hands shoved into jean pockets and collar turned up against the chill beginning to penetrate the air. He'd arrived the night before, hoping that the late hour would ensure he didn't get sucked into a welcome party, but to his chagrin Laguna had waited up and promptly pounced, dragging him into the kitchen for a very late welcome dinner; beer and pancakes.

They'd agreed to meet today in the gardens after the president got out of his meetings. He was late but Seifer didn't mind. The cool air cleared his head as he paced, allowing him to think. He'd been so caught up in his last case that he'd had to push Leonhart's files aside for the time being and had only had the chance to look through them again the night before. He'd gone over them a dozen times and found the same thing; nothing. He felt like he should see something, something to point to … well anything; anything but the stark fact that it looked like nothing more than an accident.

He'd soothed Laguna's suspicions but he couldn't seem soothe his own.

He knew, deep down, that he just didn't want to believe it had been an accident. He couldn't picture Leonhart sitting idly by while others did his work for him. He'd run a couple of scenarios through his head already, from the man coming to live here with Laguna to him ordering all the Commander's paperwork sent in braile, but none of them fit.

He also knew at some point, most soldiers put their weapon's down for a different life. Hell, he'd put his own down a lot sooner then he'd ever dreamed of doing, but he'd never pictured it happening to Leonhart like this. He'd much rather believe that the situation could be blamed on someone else than simply that it was fate or random chance. Wanting to believe it however didn't help; he had to prove it.

He'd feel much better if he'd been getting_ any_ information at all from Balamb Garden but there was no communication. The world had pardoned Seifer for his part in the war but many had not forgiven. Rinoa had been the only one who had really kept contact with him but she was in Deling now, and didn't know any more than he did.

His thoughts were interrupted when his phone began to ring. Hoping it wasn't someone from the office he pulled the phone out and looked at the tiny screen. The name blinking up at him made him relax and he flipped it open. Speak of the devil.

"Rinoa?" he greeted. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. I got your message and you said to call," his ex of three summers ago replied.

He stopped walking and moved to the side of the path to lean against a tree. "Have you called Leonhart in the past week?" he asked.

"Yes," the sorceress answered with a little sigh "He hasn't answered. But then he doesn't know it's me calling does he, even if he's got his phone on him. Why? Are you still looking into the case? Did you find anything?"

"Just that the tank was supposed to have a routine check-up that year, and no one went in to do it."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing," Seifer replied. "It doesn't point to anything. Routine checks are skipped all the time."

There was a short pause while Rinoa thought that over. Seifer had already turned it every which way, but let Rinoa take the steps herself. "Couldn't the skipped routine show that someone knew it was old and about to blow?" she asked.

"No," Seifer said with a needless shake of his head, putting his free hand in his jacket's pocket for warmth. "Tanks like that sometimes get cracks. It was why SeeD was there in the first place. Someone reported seeing the crack and area needed to be evacuated so someone could go in and repair the crack before the pressure behind it increased and caused it to explode. Only the crack widened while they were still evacuating. No one knew when the tank would explode, only that it would. It's not something someone could time. Even if they could how would they have made sure that Squall was in the right position at the right time?"

"Well why would a crack appear?" The sorceress persisted. "Why did the pressure in the tank increase so much? That could point to someone tampering with the gas intake."

"No. It was old and intakes sometimes loosen. Besides even if someone did tamper with it, what I said before still stands. No one could have timed the explosion to go off at the exact moment Squall stood up again. If that shi-" noticing his anger was getting the better of him he paused and reined it in. "-if that kid hadn't been pushing at Leonhart…" That part of the accident angered him the most. There were great 'what-if's' floating around but that what-if was by far the most noticeable and easy to target. A kid had changed everything with a simple shove.

"The boy was just scared Seifer." Rinoa reprimanded. "You can't put the blame on a child. He didn't push Squall with the intent of putting him in the path of the glass."

Seifer gave an angry grunt. "I know that."

But he _wanted_ to blame the boy. He _needed_ to blame someone. For it to simply be an "accident" was just too fucking unfair.

Rinoa seemed to sense his turmoil for she put her questions aside. "Why don't you leave the files alone for a while," she suggested. Sound advice, but one he wasn't likely to follow. He pulled away from the tree he'd been against and started walking again, trying to get rid of the cold that had seeped through his clothes while he'd been motionless. "You know," Rinoa continued. "I called Quistis and left a message before I saw the news; told her I was back in Deling for good."

"Do you think she realizes that you and Leonhart were never really an item?" Seifer asked.

"Don't know. Even if she guessed, though, I don't think she'd have understood why we kept it hidden."

"I wouldn't blame her. Why were you two keeping that hidden again?"

"You know why, Seifer," Rinoa chided.

"Yes, I know," he replied "and it sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me."

"You don't understand the position Squall was in, the position I was in." Rinoa countered, almost angrily. "After the war you could disappear and start a career, but for us… At the time it seemed the best thing. Only, when we tried to back out later we found we'd dug ourselves a hole too deep to climb out."

Seifer contemplated that for a few seconds. It still sounded like bullshit he decided, but then he had never been keen of letting other people make him live his life a certain way. After a few more seconds of silence he asked what he'd been wondering ever since Rinoa had called on her train ride to Deling. "Why did you stop the façade now then?"

Rinoa didn't answer immediately and at first he thought the line had gone dead but then she spoke slowly. "It just wasn't working anymore, between us… And there were too many obvious signs. We were lucky no one noticed something before and ran off to tell. I've been sort of talking to this old friend of mine, Dylan. He lives here in Deling and we've gone out secretly a few times. And Squall … well it was just best to stop."

Seifer's brows furrowed as he frowned. Her hesitations were plain indicators that she wasn't telling him something but he didn't push. "Had anything really changed though?" he continued. "There was still going to be masses of people infuriated that he's had them wrapped around his finger for so long."

"Well it was Squall who suggested that we stop. He said I should live my life like I had planned before I joined the Timber resistance and that he would deal with the backlash."

What was he, suicidal? Squall would have known that once it was out that he and the sorceress weren't together there would be mayhem. Perhaps if he had managed to convince everyone that it was a breakup and that he and Rinoa_ had_ been dating, it would be manageable. But rumor was bound to start and escalate. People would start to whisper that perhaps the heroes had been lying and faked the whole thing. No one had ever seen the Commander kiss the Sorceress; what if he never had? Rumor would turn into assumptions and if the World Council decided that Squall had been lying straight to their faces they could easily make sure he was never employed again. Squall had to have recognized what might have happened. What had he been thinking, taking that risk?

Although it didn't mean much anymore. There had been some upheaval with the romantics when it was found out that the Sorceress wasn't with her knight in his time of need, and the tragics' went so far as to blame the Sorceress for the accident, but once it was determined Rinoa had left a week before the accident the gossip had abated. Politically, Squall's blindness took precedence over the 'break-up' and the backlash that would have happen was averted. For now at least.

"How's Laguna? You're in Esthar right?" Rinoa asked, changing the subject.

The mention of Laguna made Seifer check his watch; the president was now half an hour late, making Seifer wonder if something had happened. "Yes, I arrived last night. Laguna's doing fine considering. Kiros tells me he's been researching … trying to do what he can to help."

"And… what are you doing?" The pause in Rinoa sentence once again brought his attention zeroing in.

"What does that mean?" He demanded.

Rinoa didn't answer right away as if she were debating on which words to use. "I mean besides looking into the case, are you going to do anything else?"

What the hell?

There was no reason for him to even look into the accident, much less chafe at not knowing what was going on. Had she put two and two together? She was smart, maybe too smart. Had he not been as discreet as he'd thought he had, or had Squall accidentally let something slip?

"Seifer?" Rinoa asked. He'd been too quiet.

"You know something," he finally said, deciding to be vague.

"Obviously," the sorceress said dryly.

Seifer exhaled slowly. He didn't know what Rinoa knew but if it was what he suspected then Squall and he could be in very big trouble. He trusted Rinoa not to talk about it to just anyone, but what if it got out to the press somehow? "Rinoa…" he threatened but couldn't think of what to say. He rubbed the back of his neck in agitation.

Once again Rinoa seemed to know his line of thoughts. "I haven't gone and told anyone, Seifer. And I won't. It was between the two of you and it should stay that way."

Between the two of them? She had to be kidding.

If only it had been, Seifer thought angrily. But once Squall had realized how their one month together would affect his job if it got out into the press, he'd turned tail and fled. Seifer had understood why Squall did it, he still did, but it hadn't made it hurt any less. And the twist of the knife had been Squall's decision to forget the whole thing. He'd never forgotten that day in the courthouse where Squall stood at the witness stand to defend him. He'd looked Seifer in the face and only seen a stranger.

Rinoa was wrong. It had never been just between the two of them. Something always came into the middle and screwed it all up. Seifer shoved those thoughts away angrily, refusing to get caught up in them again.

"When you were explaining why the two of you broke the façade off, you skipped over Squall's reasons." He finally said, thinking aloud.

Rinoa still seemed to be treading cautiously for she paused a long time before answering. "Yes I did. I told you it was his idea to break it off, right?"

"Why did Squall want to break it off then," Seifer asked again.

"Because he remembered," Rinoa answered softly.

It took him a moment to process the information, but when the words suddenly made sense he felt his knees buckle.

… _Fuck "_Is that a fucking joke?" He croaked.

What the hell did she mean Squall remembered? Shit, Squall remembered. He remembered and he told Rinoa it wasn't worth it to pretend they were together anymore.

"It's not a joke," Rinoa replied, and then continued with a firmer edge entering her voice "And by your understanding, I take it you knew he was deliberately using those Gfs to forget it."

"How else do you lose a memory?"

"God, Seifer! Couldn't you have done something?"

"It was his decision Rinoa!" Seifer fired back angrily. "It wasn't up to me."

"How could he have known that was the memory he was going to lose?" Rinoa seemed more upset then he did, if that was possible. "There was such a risk of losing so much more. How could he know for sure?"

Seifer rubbed his face. He'd never really given it much thought, preferring not to think about Squall's actions. "But if he's been junctioning, how does he remember everything now?"

"He's been doing a lot of office work in the last couple of months and hasn't had the chance to go out into the field. And not remembering why he had started junctioning in the first place he probably didn't think about the possibility of regaining a memory. Although I still don't see how he knew to keep junctioned for so long." Seifer stayed silent, mulling all the information over in his head. "It doesn't really matter now," Rinoa continued.

"What do you mean?" he asked, pulling out of his thoughts.

"I told you I hadn't talked to Squall, but I called Dr. Kadowaki yesterday. It turns out because Squall used so many Guardian Forces for such a long period, he didn't just lose past memories." Seifer furrowed his brows, but waited for the women to continue. "He's junctioned too much. So much that Dr. Kadowaki thinks his subconscious mind has started to mimic the action that junctioning caused the mind to do. It's suppressing his memories on its own."

That was ridiculous… to have your own mind turn against you… "Impossible," he growled, a sudden primal fear coming alive inside him. What the hell had Squall gotten himself into?

"That's what I said." Rinoa replied. "But Dr. Kadowaki can't explain it any other way. It's just a theory mind you, but it's all she's got."

"There has to be another explanation," Seifer argued. "A thing like that has never happened before, so how could we even recognize it as being what she says it is?"

"There's never been anyone who has used that many GFs in that short of a time span either, Seifer. And Dr. Kadowaki doesn't know if this is the only side effect that will manifest. Maybe there will be more. For all she knows Squall could have developed this ability months ago. It could have been dormant until there was something big enough that it needed to block."

"Back up," Seifer ordered. "Did the doctor tell you how she thinks this works? What do you mean it 'needed' to block? And which fucking memory did he lose this time?"

Rinoa didn't berate him on his swearing like she usually would have done. Perhaps she sensed that the overhaul of information she was giving him was starting to make feel panicky. "The accident. As far as Squall knows, he dropped that boy and then woke up in the hospital, blind."

"And that explains Leonhart's new ability? No one wants to remember something like that."

"Well, from what I know, a person can push the thoughts away but it's always there in the background and can be brought forth with a thought. Dr. Kadowaki says Squall's case is different. The memory is mentally not there for him to reach. He's not even aware that his mind is clouding the memory from him. It's like he has amnesia for those few hours. But…"

"But?" Seifer asked furrowing deeper into his jacket.

"The Doctor also says that she thinks the memory will come back, like they do when SeeD doesn't junction. If it's a mimic of the GFs ability, then it should. And she's not sure how Squall's mind will take it when it does."

"What? You mean he could go insane?"

"I mean the remembered pain may cause reactions in his body. He might feel imaginative pain. Again Dr. Kadowaki says she's just speculating. But when you're not junctioned and memories start to come back to you they usually come back with force, right?"

"Yes." Seifer affirmed.

"Right," Rinoa continued. "And so Kadowaki guesses the memory of the accident will come back with a lot of force behind it."

"Well this is just shitty, Rinoa," Seifer declared, fighting the urge to kick something. "Who's going to be there when he keels over thinking his eyes are bleeding out of his head?"

"I think _you_ should Seifer." She said it bluntly without missing a beat.

Seifer froze and sucked in his breath. Maybe she wasn't so smart. "Are you kidding me? I can't just show up in Balamb Garden on holiday!"

But Rinoa didn't back down, plowing on without sympathy. "I don't think that's the issue here. You've never cared what Garden thought of you. What are you so afraid of?"

Seifer growled deep in his throat. He hated that word: afraid.

"You don't understand." He said viciously, striking back. "He was the one who left. He got scared, decided he couldn't do it. But even that wasn't enough! He had to forget it, like it was some kind of disease he could scrub away. And in this twisted world of ours he did. He didn't testify at my trials because of what we'd had. He defended me because he thought it was the right thing to do."

Rinoa waited for Seifer to pull himself back together before she responded. "Squall was on missions all the time after your month together. He was asked to come testify for dozens of court trials, and he turned them all down because he was too busy elsewhere. But he came to your trial Seifer. Maybe he buried his memories of you but I still think he retained some feeling of connection."

"That doesn't mean he's going to welcome me with open arms."

"I didn't see him run for GFs when he got that memory back."

Seifer closed his eyes. _Shit, what a mess_. He'd thought he had managed to put this all behind him a long time ago, but Rinoa was pulling down wall after wall.

"I realize what Squall did and how much it hurt you," Rinoa persisted. "But it happened two years ago. A lot has changed in that time. Squall has changed. Maybe you should give each other a second chance."

Seifer didn't respond.

"Just think about it Seifer," the sorceress said and hung up.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Quistis hung up her phone and frowned.

"They haven't taken your name off the council," she said, turning in the desk chair to look at Squall. He was by the window acting as though he were looking outside. With his back turned it even looked like he was. His posture was just as straight as it had always been so when he was standing still the only sign of his blindness was his eyes.

"What are they playing at?" Irvine asked sitting up from the sprawl he'd been in on the couch.

Quistis watched the brunette, wondering if he'd shed any light on the question. They'd thought that it was given that the World Council would have taken him off, but they had never asked Squall what _he'd_ expected. He knew the Council having attended for two years, and could have guessed what would have happened.

He'd lost the right to be there as Balamb's Commander, but he'd been given the chair for defeating Ultimecia. By keeping Squall, they were going to have to add a spot for Quistis. Were they trying to increase their numbers? Somehow she didn't think that was it.

Squall had come back from some of the council meetings in the last year outmaneuvered and fuming. If nothing else, that showed her that the men they were dealing with were ruthless and cunning. Who knew what they were thinking.

"Squall?" she asked, wondering what he was thinking.

"I'm blind, not deaf," he finally said with no obvious emotion. "I can still attend and give my opinion."

"It's still a disadvantage on your part," Irvine protested. "They're doing this on purpose because they don't like you."

"No one on the council likes each other," Squall contradicted.

Quistis was worried about him. He wasn't sleeping all the time anymore but he wasn't getting any easier to deal with either. He'd taken his Gunblade out of its case again, but this time the destruction following had been deliberate. He'd managed to reduce the TV and coffee table to pieces before they'd been able to wrestle the blade away. The mess had been cleaned up but the marks on the carpet and walls would take more than just a vacuum and garbage to hide. They'd been left, reminders that Squall was not a patient man.

She could tell he was trying – he'd even commented on her perfume the other night and asked if she had always worn it – but it was clear that the only thing mounting was his frustration.

They wanted to help but the ex-Commander wasn't giving them any hints as to how.

There was a rustle of cloth as Irvine left the couch and strode towards Squall. With a word to alert him of his presence, he gripped a shoulder and turned the brunette towards him. "You don't have to go."

"Why shouldn't I? At least I'll have _something_ to do."

"Don't," Irvine said angrily "Don't do that to yourself."

Squall looked away, glaring into empty air and knocked Irvine's hand off his shoulder.

Irvine cursed and suddenly his arms were around Squall, pressing him to his chest. All the air went out of the brunette and his hands flinched by his sides but the only counter movement he made was to turn his head against a shoulder so that he could breathe.

Quistis sat up straighter, confused. Irvine had conducted the same move not long after they'd first met but his arms had barely enclosed the gunblade wielder before Squall had sent him flying backwards. She'd blame the blindness, but just yesterday they'd been fighting and Irvine had ended up on the floor after reaching out a comforting hand. That meant that Squall had consciously - or unconsciously? – accepted Irvine's suffocating hug. He had to realize what he was doing, right? And how … un-Squall-like that was?

She opened her mouth, but before she could ask the two men what was going on, the door burst open and a blur of yellow and brown rushed into the room.

"I'm here!" Selphie shouted in high-pitched glee for the whole hallway to hear. "And I have presents." She spotted Squall and marching forward, pushed Irvine aside and gripped Squall's hand, dragging him to the couch where she sat him down. Quistis shut her mouth, even more confused. Selphie hadn't reacted to Irvine and Squall locked in a hug. She didn't even look surprised. No, she looked smug, like she'd been waiting for it to happen.

"Now," Selphie continued mischievously, digging into her pack. "I knew you wouldn't go for an eye-seeing dog, no matter how cute they are – and there was this one white and black one that was – oh, so instead I got you a blind-man's cane. It's really quite spiffy, with technology these days." She pulled the white extendable stick from her bag and forced it between Squall's stiff fingers. "Now I know you might not like the concept of it," she added as Squall glowered at his fist, "but you never know when you might need it. Now these other thing I think you might like more-"

They were all used to Selphie's bluntness so Quistis trusted Squall not to get too offended and beckoned Irvine into the kitchen.

Once they'd both entered the room and Selphie's voice was muted, she turned back and tried to determine what she wanted to ask. "Are you… Is there … something going on between you and Squall?" she finally whispered.

Irvine blinked owlishly at her a few seconds, before deciding on innocence. "What do you mean?"

Quistis scowled up at him. "Don't shit with me, Irvine. What's been going on?"

Irvine shrugged, and rubbed his head. "He just needs someone to lean on," he finally said evasively.

_That wasn't something you heard every day, _Quistis reflected moodily. "And?" she asked.

"And what?"

Quistis stared at Irvine for a minute, the image of his arms around Squall playing behind her eyes. It meant something, she was sure of it. "Are you gay?" Irvine looked surprised, and the words she'd just blurted out bounced back to her, making her flush. You didn't just demand an answer to something like that. What had she been thi-

"Bi, Quis. I'm bisexual. I've been out for years. You never knew?"

"Does Squall?"

Irvine shrugged. "Now? Probably."

Did that explain Squall's acceptance? No, that would have made him push Irvine away faster than before. Wouldn't it? Unless…

"Squall?" she asked with wide eyes. Holy shit.

"Squall what?"

She swallowed and made herself say the words. "Is Squall… gay?" Did this explain Rinoa and Squall's break-up? Had Squall just realized it or had he known for years? "He's never given any sign."

Irvine watched her struggle with her conclusions for a moment before relenting. "If you look at it enough it sort of does makes sense." He put a hand under her elbow and led her further into the kitchen, lowering his voice as if he feared Squall would hear them and come charging in intent on decapitation. "He never had any girlfriends before Rinoa right? And that relationship was sort of pushed on the two of them. Besides there was never any public intimacy. We can only guess what went on in the bedroom."

Quistis felt warmth rush to her cheeks. This was _not_ a conversation she had ever thought to have.

"We really don't know." Irvine continued. "I mean Rinoa didn't exactly brag about anything either. It's not a lot to go off, but it could definitely fit. Who knows, maybe Squall doesn't even know it yet. That happens too."

Wow. Squall gay? And Irvine Bi?

"And what?" she said suddenly. "You're taking advantage of the situation?"

"Of course not," Irvine exclaimed, obviously hurt by her words. "But whether Squall realizes what he's doing, his body instinctively knows what it needs right now. That's what I'm giving him." He looked away as he finished.

Quistis chewed on her lip. It was apparent that Irvine was crushing on Squall. Even she could see that now. "Just be careful around him," she warned Irvine. "We don't know enough to understand and he's unpredictable right now." And she didn't want to see Irvine get hurt. Squall could make his heart bleed and wouldn't even realize he was doing it.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer was sitting on a small wall overlooking the gardens when he heard someone calling his name. He raised his head to see Laguna coming out of the palace doors, waving at him. He raised a hand back and watched the president run towards him excitedly. It was almost an hour later than the time they had set.

"Guess what?" Laguna demanded once he'd reached the blonde, but continued without giving Seifer time to guess. "I called Garden the other day to see if they'd officially discharge Squall so he can come up here and Cid said he'd talk to Dr. Kadowaki. Well she called me just now - that's why I wasn't here earlier - and she said she didn't see anything wrong with that, even that it could be good for him!"

"You want Squall to come here?" Seifer asked slowly.

"Yes, it's been too long since we've seen each other." Laguna said sitting down next to the blonde. "Besides he needs to get out of that place and all the reminders of what life used to be like. I wanted to go down tomorrow to pick him up, only Kiros informed me I have several meetings I can't postpone on account of already postponing them too many times."

"So pick him up on Monday." Seifer suggested, turning away to stare out into the shadows of the trees. By that time he could be back home in Deling.

"But Monday there's this dinner I have to go to and lots of work to do. The doctor said the sooner he got away the better it would be for everyone, although she didn't elaborate."

"Have Kiros go pick him up," Seifer said neutrally, still staring ahead of himself. There was silence for a long moment until Seifer realized Laguna was staring at him. He turned his head slightly to look at the older man.

"Is everything okay?" Laguna asked.

"Sure," He said and shrugging, turned away again. It was far from okay but he'd never tell the man that. Laguna pulled his coat around himself and looked skeptical.

"Seifer?" He waited for the blonde to look back at him before continuing. "Why don't _you_ pick him up?"

The reaction was instantaneous. Seifer launched himself up and took a few steps away from the president, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Good god, was Laguna trying to say he knew too? Shit, did _everybody_ know? He backed away a few more steps and Laguna stood up, concerned. "That's…" Seifer started, but had to swallow before he continued. "That's not a good idea."

"Why not?"

Seifer didn't answer, and tried not to look too defensive. Laguna continued to study him and he hunched his shoulders under the scrutinizing gaze, wondering if Laguna and Rinoa were working together to make him go crazy with indecision.

Laguna suddenly beckoned him. "Follow me; I want to show you something." He didn't wait for Seifer but turned and headed for the palace. After a second's hesitation Seifer began to follow.

It didn't take long for Laguna to lead him into the presidential office. He left Seifer in the doorway and crossed to the desk to dig something out of its drawer. Seifer took the bundle of pictures when Laguna handed them to him, and glanced down at the top one.

It was a picture of him and Squall sitting side by side on a park bench. He'd had his arms stretched out on the back of bench laughing at Squall who was leaning back into his arm with his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. The brunette looked cross. Annoyed at a joke he'd made.

Not daring to look at Laguna, Seifer looked at the next picture. It had been taken just after Seifer had pulled Squall from the swimming pool. He stood behind the shorter man, leaning into him as he reached around to grab a towel from the rack Squall was standing in front of.

"_Squall!" Seifer called, exasperated. He quarry was standing by the pool's edge, staring up at the moon with his arms crossed against his chest. "Where have you been? I've been all over the place looking for you. Dinner is going to be ready soon and Laguna said that since it's just the three of us – Squall!" _

_Squall didn't respond but continued to look up into the sky; he probably hadn't heard a word Seifer had said. "Squall," the blonde said again when he'd walked up to the man, pushing his hand out to nudge the brunette in the shoulder. Squall turned just as the word left his mouth with a startled expression and Seifer's hand connected with his half-turned shoulder. With a sound of alarm the brunette tumbled backwards. Cursing, Seifer reached but wasn't fast enough and Squall crashed into the water. He surged to the surface a second later, spluttering and coughing._

"_What the hell did you do that for!" he demanded as soon as he could speak, scowling up at Seifer through his wet bangs. Seifer couldn't help but laugh at the sight. Squall frowned and raising a hand pushed his hair up out of his eyes. "Why'd you push me in?" he asked angrily, swimming to the side of the pool. _

"_I didn't mean too," Seifer replied. "You're just clumsy. Come on, dinner is almost ready and now you have to change." He held a hand out to help Squall out but the pale man kicked away from the edge. Seifer huffed out a breath. "What are you doing?" he asked, eyeing the retreating form. Squall stopped in the middle of the pool and turned to regard Seifer with a raised eyebrow. "Have it your way," he called out, unbuttoning his shirt. _

_Squall smirked, watching Seifer take his shirt off. "You're really going to come in here and drag me out?" he questioned as the blonde set his shirt on a chair. "Won't it ruin your precious hai-?"_

_The rest of his words cut off as the blonde dived into the water. _

_Seifer swam over to the pair of legs treading water and before Squall could kick away, grabbed a leg and pulled down hard. As soon as Squall was pulled under however he placed both palms against Seifer's shoulders and shoved him away. They wrestled for a minute, the water making them sluggishly slow, until Seifer got a good hold on one of Squall's arms and pulled him up to the surface. He sucked in air and then blinking water out of his eyes, made for the pool's edge, Squall's arm held fast in his grip. _

"_Now we'll both have to change for dinner." He noted dryly as they climbed out. He watched the muscles flex in Squall's triceps as he pushed himself up on and side, before catching what he was doing. "It was unnecessary." He concluded as Squall stood, dripping puddles of water onto the tiles._

"_Just as unnecessary as pushing me into the pool in the first place," Squall replied defensively, turning towards the rack of towels. Before he could reach out to grab one, Seifer reached around him to do it, incidentally leaning into the brunette. _

"_I think you just wanted to see if I would jump in after you." He said into the brunette's ear._

Seifer blinked the vision away and realized he was still looking down at the picture. Laguna must have been hiding in the bushes; too far away to hear what was said, but close enough to see what was going on. He briefly flipped through the rest of the pictures and saw that they were all of Squall and him. It was hard not to guess what was going on between them in some of the pictures.

_Hyne, _Seifer thought, _this could be some serious blackmail. _How had they been so careless? He finally looked up at Laguna, trying to keep his face expressionless. "Does anyone…"

Laguna shook his head quickly. "No one else has seen those pictures. I didn't think the two of you would care for that kind of thing getting out."

Seifer looked back down at the pictures in his hand. The man had known the whole fucking time.

"If you don't go, you'll always wonder what could have happened." Laguna said to the motionless blonde.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Squall!" The voice came from far away, fading in and out. He could have ignored it but then he felt a pressure against his chest and gasping, he sat bolt upright, colliding with something hard.

He heard a yelp and then a searing pain flashed through his head. He groaned and doubled over, pushing his hands against his forehead as if that would help. Somewhere to the left of him, he heard Irvine sit down on the couch. "Shit Squall," the man hissed "I think you dented my head."

Squall just bared his teeth into his lap. What had the man been doing that close in the first place? When the pain in his head had receded some, he cautiously sat up again. His hands dropped into his lap and felt the soft fuzz of a blanket; Irvine must have placed it over him while he'd been asleep. He curled his fingers into it. "Is your head okay?" he asked quietly.

There was some shifting on the couch next to him. "I'll live. How about you?"

"Fine," Squall murmured.

"Were you dreaming?" Irvine asked slowly. "It looked like a nightmare."

Squall furrowed his brows. Had he been dreaming? A flash of cyan colored eyes flooded his vision before trickling away, as if laughing at him. He tried to grasp hold of it - god the color in those eyes! - but it slipped away like water through cupped hands.

"Squall?" Irvine questioned.

Squall shook his head. "I don't remember."

"Okay, no big deal," came the soothing voice.

The urge to lie down and try to sleep tugged at him. There were images he couldn't see when awake, color. He wanted to see it again, but Irvine would say something if he tried to lie back down. He sighed angrily and sat back.

He'd meant to sit back into the couch's back but Irvine must have put his arm there because he soon realized he was leaning into muscle not leather. He tensed and sat forward slightly, but the arm came forward to curl around his shoulder and gently pulled him back.

Squall set his teeth against each other hard as a wave of sensations went crashing though him. This wasn't an unknown feeling. There was a time when a tall blonde and he would sit together like this. Squall shoved those thoughts away quickly.

"Squall?" Realizing that was the second time Irvine had said his name he turned his head slightly to show he was listening. "You okay?" the man said. Conscious of his body again, Squall noticed Irvine's hand on his shoulder was tensed, ready to pull away at a moment's notice in response to Squall's body which had gone rigid.

"Just… thinking," he finally responded, relaxing his muscles one by one.

Irvine's warmth wrapped around him pleasantly and the scent of gunpowder and cologne clung to the air around him. Not the smell of sunshine and –

"Shhh," Irvine whispered and suddenly moved his arm from Squall's shoulder to his waist to pull him closer.

He let out a shaky breath and let Irvine pull him close.


	5. Chapter 5

_Seifer woke up with the sunlight streaming in from the open window, warming his skin. He breathed in deeply and slowly became aware of his body as energy seeped into his muscles. It didn't take long for him to realize there was a leg intertwined with his and soft skin underneath his hand. _

_He opened his eyes and smiled. Squall was on his back, one arm curled on the pillow near his face and Seifer's arm draped across his stomach. He was still asleep, the usual stress lines on his face gone._

_Seifer loved watching Squall sleep. There was a vulnerability there that was absent when the fighter was awake. The scowls and frowns disappeared and he actually looked his age. It was hard to remember sometimes when the brunette spoke that he wasn't even eighteen yet. Then again, the war had made everyone grow up faster. Seifer was only nineteen but he felt like he'd lived a lifetime already._

_Seifer was distracted from his thoughts when he saw Squall's slow breathing was causing a strand of hair on his cheek to inch its way across the smooth plane of skin. He reached and gently pushed it off the brunette's face, but the small gesture caused Squall to stir and open his eyes blearily up at him._

"_Hey," Seifer greeted affectionately, pulling his hand back to rest on Squall's stomach again._

_Squall gave him a slight upturn of his lips before rubbing his hands over his face. Suddenly he froze, probably realizing that they were both naked with the blanket pooling at their hips. He peeked at Seifer from behind his fingers. "Did we…?" He started to ask but stopped, a blush creeping up his neck. _

_Seifer laughed, the sound coming from the depths of his throat. "That wasn't a dream," he reassured._

_The muscles underneath his hand tensed but before Squall could flee, Seifer moved his hand to curl along the man's waist and pulled him across the space between them. Squall grunted as he was pulled flush against the blonde's chest, and Seifer locked his arms around him. "Relax," he soothed. _

_Squall's instincts tended to kick in when he was surprised or unsure. It made the relationship difficult sometimes since the brunette's instincts were still tuned to fight or flee, but Seifer had learned how to counter it fairly well._

_Squall leaned his head into the crook of Seifer's neck. "Hyne," he muttered, obviously remembering the night before._

"_Nope, all me," Seifer replied._

_Squall gave him a light shove in the shoulder, and turned his head so that he was looking towards the ceiling. Seifer absentmindedly started to rub small circles along Squall's shoulder. _

_The quiet was interrupted when someone knocked on the door. Squall startled and then with a hiss he pushed Seifer away and rolled to the edge of the bed. Seifer cursed and got up himself, quickly eying the floor for his pants. Squall found them first, tossing them over while pulling his own up. The knocking came again and Laguna's voice drifted through the wood. _

"_Come on Seifer. You're never asleep this late. I can't find Squall. Do you know where he is?"_

_Seifer waggled his eyebrows at Squall who narrowed his eyes. The doorknob rattled, reminding them that like the son, Laguna wasn't very patient._

… _Only the door wasn't locked. _

_Squall gave him a frantic 'are you fucking stupid' look before dropping to the ground and rolling underneath the bed, disappearing just as Laguna peeked in. _

"_Ah, so you are awake." The president said and walked the rest of the way into the room as Seifer jerked his shirt over his head, his eyes sweeping the whole room before resting on Seifer, still standing in the middle of the room. "Sleep alright?" he asked. _

"_Fine," Seifer said. "Thanks for letting me stay so long," he added. _

_Laguna waved his thanks aside. "Have you seen Squall?" he asked again. "He wasn't in his room when I checked earlier."_

"_No. I haven't seen him." Seifer answered, not looking at Laguna. His eyes trailed along the ground and his eyes caught on Squall's shirt, to the left of him. "Not since yesterday." He added, glancing up. _

"_Oh, well okay." Laguna looked put out. He turned and looked out the window towards the gardens in the backyard. Seifer shuffled noiselessly to the left and slid the shirt under the bed with a toe. His heel hit something hard and there was a soft hiss, and Seifer grimaced and looked up quickly. Laguna turned around again but it didn't seem like he had heard. "He's not training outside either."_

"_Have you tried the library?"_

_Laguna nodded. "Well, I'll just leave it will you. You'll probably see him today before I will." He dug into his pocket and drew out a small box and tossed it to Seifer. _

_Seifer caught it and patiently let Laguna talk about plans for later that day before the president finally skipped out of the room. Seifer followed and locked the door this time. He turned back as Squall pulled himself out from under the bed._

"_Idiot," the brunette commented, referring to the unlocked door. _

"_I was preoccupied. Would you have remembered something as trivial as that?"_

_Squall threw a pillow at him._

Seifer started awake as the train's intercom announced that they would arrive in Balamb shortly. Pushing away from the train's plush seats he scrubbed at his face roughly with his hands. He checked his watch. He'd been on the train for four hours, but it felt like ten. He hadn't thought to bring any work with him and had regretted it as soon as the train had left the station. All he'd been able to do was bounce thoughts around, and that wasn't always a pleasant pastime. He'd thought maybe if he slept on the ride he'd get off in Balamb with a hint of sanity but he didn't even have that luxury without Squall invading his dreams.

He gritted his teeth, deciding he was way too stressed about the whole trip.

He pulled a leg up on the seat to rest his arms around as he leaned against the window. He didn't bother trying to keep his mind away from the brunette, because trying was all he would accomplish.

He supposed it had really just been a summer fling. There wasn't a lot of time to really get into anything, but it had felt like more. He'd gotten to know the brunette, finally. They'd fit, like they always had even as rivals.

They both knew they'd have to face the world with their relationship or end it, but instead they had continued to sneak around, putting off the inventible. _Not that Laguna had been fooled_, Seifer remembered wryly.

They'd managed to fool themselves for a month before Squall had received the call they knew he would get. Squall had put Cid off for another week, but after that call nothing had been the same. Squall had turned his attention to the outside world again.

Squall had most everyone back in Balamb wrapped around his finger, thinking he was visiting his father on an extended holiday. But they'd expected him to come back and take up his position in the spotlight, to lead them into new victories and grow into a powerful leader. They expected him and Rinoa to get married and have children who would in turn become powerful figureheads after their parents. The World Council was asking for him to represent Balamb.

His life had been planned out for him and Seifer did not have a place there.

If it had gotten out that Squall was in a homosexual relationship…

Seifer knew only too well what the majority of the world's views were on same-sex relationships. While humankind had come a long way from burnings at the stake, it was still considered unnatural.

And Squall and he weren't just anybody. The public wouldn't know how to deal with the truth; fairy tales had corrupted their minds. They created images and ideas for their heroes and villains and Hyne help anyone who tried to tell them otherwise. Even now, the world had programmed itself to see the esteemed Balamb Commander, not the boy just barely into adulthood.

If Squall came out that he was gay, the public would have had a riot. It was like being told that Hyne wore black and pierced his ears. And who knows what Garden would have done. When Seifer had been a cadet, as long as you kept your relationship to yourself no one said anything. To come out to the public was different. If you were looked down upon, it was the same as Garden being looked down upon. As Commander, Squall _represented_ the Garden. His ever public action was watched.

So Seifer understood why Squall had always been so careful to keep what they had behind locked doors.

It didn't make him any less angry that the public dictated what he could and couldn't have.

In the end it was clear what would happen and both were powerless to stop it.

They'd argued violently when Squall had finally started packing. Seifer refused to beg, but he made his mind known. Squall never wavered. He had learned well how to make hard choices. Too well, in Seifer's opinion.

So in the end Seifer had shut the door in Squall's face and listened as a jet took him away forever. He'd brooded for months, but after his court pardon – after he had looked into Squall's eyes and seen nothing – he'd had to move on. He'd been successful for the most part. When Squall's name came up in a newspaper or conversation he'd feel his gut clench tightly, but he'd left the brunette in the past.

And then he'd seen the breaking news story two weeks ago. There had been a tank explosion as SeeD were evacuating an area in Dollet and everyone's beloved hero, Commander Leonhart – back on the field after months of staying away – had been carried off the field and rushed to the Dollet emergency room.

He'd worn a hole in his carpet waiting for the news to say the man had died as all of his feelings for the brunette had surged to the forefront. The emotions had never really gone away, only buried themselves deep in the recesses of Seifer's mind, until he could ignore them. With the brunette foremost on his mind those emotions had free reign to caper through him again.

Seifer had had to wait until late that night before the Dollet doctors gave any comments. The Commander had been hit in the eyes with glass and had undergone intensive surgery. They'd done what they could but the damage had been too great and Mr. Leonhart had woken up blind.

And then it had been a war between heart and mind. His gut told him to go to Squall and help any way he could. Squall would only remember him as the man who'd gone against him in the war not as the past lover he was, but Seifer's heart foolishly dreamed that if he could just talk to the brunette…

His mind told his heart to stop dreaming. Nothing had changed. Squall's life still didn't have any room for him. What did he think he would he do? Visit the brunette for a week and then just leave? After pulling the scab off the wound? Furthermore Squall had chosen to forget Seifer. He'd lost those memories of their relationship and Seifer couldn't just walk up to him and try to explain that month of foreign happiness. Squall would think he'd lost his mind.

No, his mind had said, seeing Squall would only bring more pain.

So Seifer had let his anger wash over his affection. Leave Squall to the life he'd chosen. He let his anger remind him of Squall's cold gaze as he stood in the doorway with his duffel bag over his shoulder.

…And now, he was on his way to see him.

He sat back into the seat and looked out the window. How'd he let himself get talked into this again?

It had begun to rain.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"What!"

Irvine had been reclining on the couch sleepily but Quistis' comment caused him to straighten up.

"I said Seifer is on his way here," Quistis replied irritably.

"Why the hell would _he_ be coming here?"

He hadn't seen heads or tails of Seifer Almasy since the war. To suddenly hear his name alone was shocking. What would he want, coming down to Balamb? And why now?

Irvine glanced over at Squall who was sitting in the chair with a book of brail that Laguna had sent in his lap. He was looking over towards Irvine having heard the outburst but was waiting until Irvine was off the phone. The only reason Irvine could think of for Seifer coming to Balamb Garden was because Squall and the accident, but that didn't make sense. Many people had called to send their sympathies but no one had actually come to visit. The only person Irvine expected at some point was Laguna Lorie.

Seifer and Squall's histories didn't make them friends. Seifer had even tortured Squall that one time, after all. Even before the war they'd fought. From the gossip he'd picked up after transferring to Balamb, it had seemed like a genial rivalry, but it was still a rivalry.

"I don't know!" Quistis snapped in response to his question and Irvine flinched. "Would you get up here so we can decide what to do when he arrives?"

"Yea. Just give me a minute." He hung up the phone, slipping it into his pocket.

"Who's coming?" Squall asked as Irvine stood.

"You're not going to believe this," Irvine said, shaking his head, "but Seifer Almasy is on his way here. God we haven't seen the man in years and suddenly – Squall?"

The color in Squall's face had drained away until the brunette was as white as the pages in front of him. "W-what?" he managed to say.

"Seifer," Irvine repeated slowly, concerned at the unnatural pallor of his friend's skin. "Seifer Almasy is coming. He's an hour or two away."

Squall's face screwed up in an unreadable expression. "Oh," he breathed.

Irvine paced over his friend and knelt in front of him. "What's wrong?" he asked, bewildered. "Squall, what is it?" Squall shook his head wildly and didn't answer him. It was amazing that even blind he could suddenly have a faraway look. Irvine placed his hands on the arms of the chair and leaned in a bit. "You can't keep everything in your head anymore, Squall. Talk to me." Squall's clouded eyes blinked a couple of times and focused towards Irvine again. Irvine tried to read his friend's expression. Was he afraid? "It's Seifer," he said slowly, trying to understand. "You're afraid of him? Why in the world are you afraid of him?" Irvine paused. "…Did he do something?"

Quistis' voice floated in Irvine's mind: '_Squall's hiding something. Something he tried to forget about after the war.' _Shit! Irvine reached out and took hold of Squall's hands. They were cold.

"Squall," Irvine spoke slowly. "Did he hurt you?"

Squall pulled his hands out of Irvine's grasp roughly. "No"

"No what?" Irvine asked angrily.

Squall took a deep breath and looked away before answering. "He didn't…"

"Didn't what?"

Squall's turned to him again and unnervingly, his eyes focused straight on Irvine's. "Leave it alone, alright," he snapped and Irvine rocked back on his heels in surprise.

Tightening his lips, he stood and looked down at the brunette. "Quistis wants me up in the office. Will you be okay if I leave you here? Do you need anything?" Squall didn't answer him and was instead staring ahead of himself again. "Fine then" Irvine replied to the silence and giving the brunette one last look he left the room.

As soon as he closed the door, he started running towards the Commander's office. Something had happened between Seifer and Squall, he knew it! But he couldn't tell how serious it had been. Squall had said Seifer hadn't done anything harmful, but… His thoughts spun out of control as he tried to work the pieces together.

He burst into Quistis' new office ready to confront her with the news but he stopped short as the door closed behind him. Quistis wasn't alone.

She looked up when Irvine entered and waved towards her guest. "As you can see, Seifer has arrived _much_ sooner than we thought he would."

Seifer was standing near the couch dressed casually in jeans, a dark blue tee shirt and a black jacket with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He was clean-shaven but had dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't been sleeping very well.

After getting over his surprise, Irvine advanced on the blonde. "What the hell did you do to Squall," he spat, poking a finger into the Seifer's chest. After a delayed silence Seifer pushed it away with a soft snarl.

"Irvine!" Quistis exclaimed, surprised at the outburst.

Irvine turned on Quistis. "We were trying to figure out what Squall was trying to forget right? Well he's connected somehow!" He jabbed his finger in Seifer's direction.

Quistis looked alarmed and looked towards Seifer herself. Seifer dropped his duffel bag and crossed his arms in front of himself. It looked defensive in Irvine's opinion. He glared at the blonde. "What's going on?" Quistis asked him. "Why would Seifer be connected? Squall hasn't seen him since the war."

"Hasn't he?" Irvine countered. "The look he had…" he turned his gaze onto Seifer again. "Something happened," he repeated stubbornly.

Seifer gazed back at him but didn't respond.

"Did Squall say something?" Quistis questioned, coming around her desk.

"I said Seifer's name and he freaked out; looked like he'd seen a ghost." He rounded on Seifer again. "Why would he be scared of you?"

After a minute, Seifer shrugged evasively. "I'm just picking Leonhart up for Laguna."

"Laguna?" Irvine repeated, taken aback.

Quistis sighed and rubbed the skin between her eyes as if she had a headache. "I was going to explain when you arrived." She told Irvine. "Dr. Kadowaki called up before I got the call about Seifer saying that she'd told Laguna Lorie he could take Squall to Esthar for a while."

"Squall's leaving?" Irvine asked stupidly. "But… what about…" He realized Seifer was looking at him quizzically and shut his mouth.

"Yes," Quistis replied to his first question.

"For how long?" Irvine demanded. Quistis shrugged so Irvine changed tactics. "When were we going to tell Squall? As we pack his bags? What if he doesn't want to go anywhere?"

"Did he say that?" the blonde asked suddenly.

Irvine glanced at the man suspiciously. "No, he didn't. But no one's actually asked him about it have they?"

"I'll tell him now," Seifer offered lightly.

"You're not getting near him," Irvine hissed quickly. "He doesn't want to see you."

Quistis interrupted before Seifer could reply. "He's only here to pick him up for Laguna. Dr. Kadowaki gave the okay. Irvine, there's not much we can do if Squall agrees to go."

"If," Irvine retorted.

He tried to calm himself down. Was he overreacting? Possibly; but he had seen the expression on Squall's face. Squall had defended Seifer in the war trials. He hadn't been scared of the blonde then. Something had happened after the trails. No, Squall had been on all the assignments he could get his hands on. Unless…

"Did you see Squall while he was on an assignment last year?" he asked the blonde.

Seifer laughed; it was a harsh sound. "I haven't seen Leonhart since he got me my pardon."

Irvine frowned, opened his mouth and jumped when the phone rang. Quistis picked it up with a "hello?" listened for a second with eyebrows drawn low and then wordlessly handed the phone to Irvine.

He gave her a questioning look and held the phone up to his ear. "This is Irvine."

"I need to talk to you," Squall answered.

"Squall?" In the corner of his eye he saw Seifer straighten up. "How'd you dial the phone?"

"The same way I called you from the infirmary." Squall said irritably. "I'm not completely helpless."

"Sorry," Irvine apologized. He looked over at Seifer who had an unreadable expression on his face. "Before you say anything, you should know that Seifer is here already." There was silence on the other end of the line. Irvine turned away from Quistis and Seifer and walked to the other side of the room. "He says he's here to pick you up for Laguna. Did you know he knew Laguna?"

"Yes," Squall replied slowly, and then sounding confused he asked "He's here to pick me up?"

"I guess Laguna called Dr. Kadowaki to ask if you could visit and she gave full approval. I told them you didn't want to go." Squall didn't respond. "You don't want to go right?" Irvine asked. "Right Squall?" he asked again when the silence on the other end continued.

"I need to talk to Seifer." Squall finally said very slowly as if he were unsure of his request himself.

Irvine turned his head and glared at the blonde across the room. He was watching Irvine closely. "Squall…" he started, trying to think of an argument. He was so unsure of everything by this point though that he didn't know what to say. "Do you want me there too?"

"No!" Squall replied quickly; too quickly.

Irvine hung up without responding, furious. All these damn secrets! He handed the phone back to Quistis and stared at the wall behind Seifer. "He wants to see you."

He thought he saw Seifer grimace, but without a word the blonde picked up his duffel bag and left the office.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer paused before the door to Squall's suite, his hand hovering above the handle. The encounter in Squall's old office had set his already strained nerves on edge. Seifer was sure that the sharpshooter didn't fully realize what had happened but he was too close to figuring it out for Seifer's comfort. Outside of that, the man had seemed oddly protective of Squall, something that bothered Seifer tremendously for some reason.

Irvine's friendship with Squall had never bothered Seifer before. He knew Squall cared about the man after all the two had gone through together in the war. So he'd respected the friendship, disappearing the days that Irvine visited Squall in Esthar.

Was he over-thinking it? With the situation Squall's friends were bound to close in around the brunette, trying to help. Was Kinneas simply a concerned friend? Seifer tried to compare the sharpshooter's behavior to that of Trepe, but he'd only been in Balamb for less than half an hour and he didn't have a lot of information to go on. Quistis had seemed accepting to the fact that Squall might leave. Irvine on the other hand had seemed panicky. He hadn't even wanted Seifer to talk to Squall.

…But Squall had asked to see him.

So for now he forgot about the sharpshooter and knocking softly, closed his hand on the doorknob and twisted it open before he could think too much about what he was doing. He felt his old anger towards the brunette curling in his stomach. It wasn't a strong emotion but it was there, peaking through the crack that all the tension of the week had created. The room's door creaked a little bit as he opened it and slipped in and he saw the form sitting in the chair tense up.

He stood by the door after it had closed, staring at Squall's profile. His hair had been cut and Seifer cursed whoever had done it. Squall without his signature hair? But he could clearly see the jaw's sharp curve. There was a time when he would have draped his arms around the brunette's shoulders from behind and kissed that jaw.

Thinking about that made his dormant anger do flips. Damn Squall for leaving! And damn himself for letting him.

He shouldn't be here. This was a mistake.

Before the panic and anger could completely take hold, Squall turned his head towards him and he caught sight of the brunette's eyes.

They used to be piercing grey – like granite. Now they looked like grey clouds. For a moment he thought that now Squall fully looked his name. There was no black pupil, just cloudy grey like a dark storm swirling in the center of his sclera. It was a little unnerving, he decided.

"…Seifer?" Squall asked quietly, and Seifer saw the hands on the couch's arms dig into the material.

Looking at the man before him, Seifer's anger melted away again. The brunette looked so lost. "Oh, Squall," he whispered and dropping his duffel bag he made his way over to the chair. He pried Squall's hands from the arm rests and pulled him up, wrapping his arms around the brunette tightly.

Squall's breathing was harsh against his neck and he didn't hug Seifer back.

Seifer loosened his arms and held Squall out at arm's length. "You remember." It wasn't a question, just a statement. There was no question about it; Squall was way too tense. Seifer took his hands off the brunette's shoulders sensing that he needed some space. It seemed like the right move because Squall's shoulders relaxed slightly.

There was an uncomfortable silence as both tried to think of something to say. Finally Squall waved a hand towards him. It took him a minute to realize that Squall was actually trying to wave at the couch to his left. Seifer took a seat on the edge of the leather as Squall sat back down in his chair.

He had no idea what to say.

"I don't know why I'm here," he finally said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

The brunette sat very still as if he was afraid to move. Seifer watched him lick his lips, open his mouth, close it and open it again. "Irvine said that you were here to pick me up?"

"Kiros could have done that easier than me," Seifer answered and looked away towards the wall. Looking at Squall hurt, not because of his eyes, but because he was a reminder. A reminder of paradise no longer accessible.

After a few minutes of silence he heard Squall shift in his seat. "I'm sorry," the brunette said softly, hesitant.

Seifer glanced back at the brunette in surprise. That wasn't something he had thought to hear. "Don't be," he said roughly, swallowing. "I understood why."

"You understood why I left, but I remember the way you looked at me at your court trial. I didn't understand it at the time…" Squall leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees, folding his arms and looking towards the ground. "I forgot you." He said simply.

Seifer's anger churned in his stomach again. "You're right, I still don't understand that." The words came out sharper then he intended and Squall flinched. But he didn't elaborate on the topic to Seifer. "You're not going to tell me why?" Seifer asked, trying to keep his voice under control. "Well I know why."

Squall turned his head away from Seifer. "You don't," he whispered.

Seifer stood suddenly and started to pace, to the door and back again.

Squall listened to him for a minute his head cocked slightly as if trying to figure out what the blonde was doing before he stood himself. Seifer stopped and watched as the ex-warrior walked his way around the chair and out into the open. It almost looked as if he could see where he was going and Seifer furrowed his brows, but a few steps away from the kitchen's doorway Squall's steps slowed and he raised a hand out in front of him. Two more steps forward and his hand touched the doorway's frame. Keeping his hand against the wall, Squall eased his way around the frame and disappeared into the kitchen.

Seifer let go of the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

The entirety of the situation knocked the breath out of him. Before he'd only known that Squall was blind. He'd felt horror and sympathy but Squall had been too distant too long for him to really understand. Watching Squall blindly find his way around his own room was heart wrenching. The picture was wrong on so many levels.

He knew then that he could never do what Squall was doing now: to suddenly not be able to see someone's face, or connect their expression to their words; to have to suddenly walk differently and be so much more aware of everything around you; to know that your life would never be the same? And not screaming through it all.

Squall regaining his memories of the two of them at a time like this couldn't be helping any. Seifer rubbed his face in distress. They couldn't just pretend that Squall hadn't remembered either.

The sound of shattering glass brought him out of his thoughts and before he even thought about it, his feet and brought him into the kitchen in record speed.

The brunette was standing at the counter, his hands planted on the marble and his head bowed between his hunched shoulders. There was broken glass surrounding him on the floor. Seifer hurried forward, pushing some glass aside with his shoe, and without thinking put a hand on Squall's shoulder. "Are you hurt?"

Squall's shoulder quivered under his hand, but he didn't pull away either. He shook his head at Seifer's question. "Don't move," Seifer ordered looking down and seeing that Squall was only wearing socks. He opened cabinets until he found a small broom and quickly swept up the dangerous chunks. Squall kept his back to him.

When he'd thrown the glass in the trash and put the broom back where he'd found it, Seifer leaned a hip on the counter, facing Squall. The interruption hadn't done anything to sooth his nerves, or Squall's if his posture was anything to go by. Figuring it was safer not to talk about the past he instead brought up Laguna. "Laguna wants you to come visit, maybe stay awhile… Do you want to?"

Squall slid his hands off the counter, folding them across his chest, and stood up straight. "Who's going to be there?"

Seifer understood the meaning behind the words. "I've been staying there for the last week… but I can leave."

Squall didn't respond and Seifer let the silence grow. He tried to think of an excuse to leave. The high-strung tension in the room was almost more than he could take. After shuffling through a few options however he pushed them all away, telling himself that he was being a coward.

Finally Squall turned his head and his clouded eyes wandered towards Seifer. "Why did you come?"

Seifer turned away from those eyes and instead looked around the kitchen. "I don't know," he replied eventually. "Rinoa told me you'd got your memories back, and…"

Squall didn't say anything for a long time. Finally he stepped away from the counter, turned and walked away. After a second's hesitation, Seifer followed him. When they were standing in the main room, Squall stopped. Seifer wasn't sure if it was intentional or if the brunette had lost track of where he was, and debated on whether to ask. Before he could come to a decision, Squall turned his head to the side to talk to him over his shoulder.

"Give me two days."

He didn't mention Seifer's stay there and Seifer didn't ask.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"So you really are leaving?" Irvine's voice cut through the blackness. Squall could hear it in his voice that the sharpshooter was upset.

He shrugged his shoulders, resting his chin on his knees. "I guess." He responded.

Seifer had left after Squall had agreed to go. He hadn't said anything, just turned and walked out the door. And Squall had padded around the room until he found the couch to curl against. The aftermath of so much strain made him shiver, and he'd pulled his knees up to rest his forehead against. When next the door opened after a knock he heard a rushing of feet and Irvine's concerned voice at his elbow asking if he was alright.

The shivers had stopped gradually but he'd kept his arms around his knees nonetheless. It helped give him a sense of stability.

"When do you think you'll be back?"

He shrugged evasively. "I don't know. I just… need out."

Garden had begun to feel like a trap. His own room had turned into an abyss of the unknown. No matter how many times he took out and put back the contents of his drawer he could never seem to remember where he'd put the objects. He couldn't tell if he was just not remembering the right position or if he really wasn't putting the objects were he thought he was putting them.

He'd spent most of his time isolated in his room, so he _had_ started to get the hang of how many steps it was from one spot to the other. Seventeen steps from the bed to the door; Eight from the door to the couch, or nine from the couch to the bed; Ten from the couch to the kitchen; five from one side of the kitchen to the other; Eleven from the kitchen to the bed.

But there was so many numbers and he sometimes confused one and either knocked into something or ended up short of his goal. Even when he did end up accomplishing a short trek around the room, he quickly grew tired of counting his own steps.

Because of this he spent a lot of time simply sitting in his chair or lying on his bed. He knew he needed to get out of his room, but the prospect of wandering in the halls of Garden was beyond intimidating. He wasn't interested in stumbling around in front of everyone. Even if he went out after most people were asleep, the Garden was simply too big. He wouldn't be able to get anywhere without getting hopelessly lost. And he was even less interested in bringing along someone to count his steps for him.

A part of him realized that by leaving he would be undoing all the work he'd done so far. He'd be in the dark again. That part of him hated the prospect, hated the dark. But another part of him didn't care; anything was better than staying here.

Squall felt Irvine's hand on his arm and pulled out of his thoughts.

"I asked if you're sure you don't want to tell me what happened with Seifer. And you can't get away with saying nothing happened."

Squall frowned. "I wasn't going to."

"So what happened?"

Squall stayed silent. He had no intention of telling Irvine anything about Seifer.

Irvine sighed angrily. "It's obvious Squall. Forget your reaction earlier if you want, but you curled up on the floor after he left. That says something."

Squall loosened his arms and let his knees unfold until his legs were stretched out. He hunched his shoulders, feeling Irvine's gaze on him. Then realizing what he was doing he straightened up angrily.

"Just tell me that you're going away because _you_ want to go," Irvine finally said resignedly.

Squall trailed his hand around on the carpet for a minute. "I want to go, Irvine."

Irvine didn't say anything for a long time. Finally it seemed as if he had moved away slightly and cool air rushing into his spot. Squall's hand slowed to a stop as he listened, trying to perceive what Irvine was doing. A moment later the warmth came back as if Irvine had sat back into his former position. There weren't even sitting that close but Squall had quickly become attuned to the warmth and coldness of the air around him.

"It wasn't something I did, was it?" Irvine asked finally. "I haven't scared you off?"

Squall curled his fingers into the carpet. "No, it's not you," he told Irvine, but then stiffened when he felt an arm slink around his waist.

"Are you sure?" Irvine said near his ear.

"Yes." He said, but he couldn't bring himself to unstiffen his back. Not after Seifer's visit.

After a minute he felt Irvine withdraw his arm. "Well, I'll just have to take your word for it then." There was a sound of him settling back against the couch before he spoke up again. "Promise you'll come back?"

"Of course," Squall replied, but his thoughts were already drifting.

Seifer was bound to change in the two years since he had seen him, but it was as if Squall had been talking to a stranger. He wasn't sure what he had expected their encounter to be like, but he could have never pictured it being the way it had.

Seifer had seemed regretful, angry, frustrated and affectionate; all in the span of a few minutes. He hadn't been able to see Seifer's expressions to match his tone of voice so he couldn't be positive of the emotions behind what Seifer had said, but it was plain that there were a lot of them.

Squall didn't blame Seifer for being angry. He had expected more anger after what he had done, but Seifer had been rather reserved throughout the whole encounter, as if he was holding back. Was he?

What if it had been Seifer who had left their relationship to crumble into ruins? What would he be feeling if he met the blonde after two years? Squall wasn't sure and thus he couldn't get a grasp on how to react to Seifer. He was lost in the unknown and didn't know which direction to turn.

Just like the rest of my life, he thought moodily, before shoving the thought aside.

There were too many questions he didn't have answers to, too many unknowns. He'd told Seifer he'd go to Esthar because he'd been following a gut instinct but that instinct was long gone and he was beginning to doubt his agreement. He realized he needed to get away from Balamb but wasn't sure that he was ready to deal with Seifer to do it.

Beside, because they'd only been together for a month or so, and because Squall had left so suddenly, the whole situation was a bit out of balance. They'd barely gotten to know each other. So why did he have such strong feelings for the blonde? Why was there a pulling in his chest every time he thought about Seifer? The feelings he felt had all surged into his mind when the memories came back but most had trickled away as a result of time. Lust was gone, as was the comfortable closeness. But there was something there. Something had lasted through the years and now lay sleeping in his heart. He'd felt it before the accident and again when Seifer had been in the room.

But did his feelings matter now?

Had he ruined any change of starting over with Seifer when he'd left two years ago? He guessed the more important question was if he wanted a chance to start over?

He'd been content with his life as Commander, but now that he remembered what he could have had, he wasn't so sure that Balamb had been what he had really wanted.

He hadn't wanted to leave Seifer and it had hurt to do it so he had erased the memories to erase the pain. Seifer had unknowingly made a spot in Squall's life and leaving him had caused a hole. It had been easier to run from it all.

But Seifer hadn't chosen to forget. Squall realized now how unfair he had been. He had treated Seifer as if he hadn't meant anything. And he realized too late what he's actions had done.

Logically, Seifer shouldn't even have wanted to speak to him.

So why had he come?


	6. Chapter 6

_Squall raised his bowed head when he heard footsteps. Footsteps? Here? He swiveled his head to the left – hadn't there been a ledge there thirty minutes ago? – and focused on the man walking towards him. Recognizing the gait instantly, he twisted his knee up and scrambled shakily to his feet._

_He ignored the whispers in his head telling him to curl up and sleep for a year and tried to focus on this new hallucination._

_Seifer stopped a few paces away and raised his hands in the universal 'I'm not armed' sign. He stared at Squall and Squall stared back._

_"You look like hell," Squall finally said, taking in Seifer's haggard state and dull eyes._

_"So do you," Seifer replied._

_Squall looked down at himself. The blood that had covered him after the battle with Ultimecia had disappeared when he'd woken up in the desert. He looked a little worn, but whole; like he had before jumping into Time Compression._

_On the inside however he felt shaky, like a slight breeze could send him tumbling into the screams echoing in the back of his mind. But Seifer couldn't see that right? Just in case he schooled his face into an expressionless mask._

_He looked back up and Seifer gave him a sad smile._

_Seifer had always been able to see right through him. But the blonde didn't say anything about it, didn't ask if he was okay like everyone else would. It made Squall breath a little easier._

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall unbuckled his seat-belt and feeling for the handle, pushed the door open slowly. He was immediately struck by the noise. It was loud and disorienting, pounding at his eardrums, making him want to reflexively hold his hands over his ears.

There was no way he'd be able to place any sound in this racket.

"You okay?" Irvine asked, still beside him.

He nodded and, exhaling slowly, swung his legs out of the car to place them on the ground. Placing a hand on the door rim, he stood up and winced as the noise got louder.

This was the first time he'd been out anywhere where there were more than a few people around. He knew logically that the noise would be louder with more people around, but nothing could have prepared him for this. It was chaos, sounds overlapping sounds and morphing into a roar of indistinguishable noise.

It made him want to retreat back into the car and slam the door behind him.

Instead he made himself push the door shut.

Irvine shut his own door and popped the trunk. Those sounds at least he could distinguish. But the sound of his footsteps and breathing was swallowed up in all the other noises.

Squall pulled his hat down lower over the sunglasses hiding his eyes. They were Irvine's, both of the articles. He'd refused them at first – sunglasses wouldn't be of any use to him anymore – but almost as soon as he's said no, he'd realized that they would help to hide him from curious eyes.

He didn't need people staring at him, even if he couldn't see them doing it.

If he just looked like any young man taking the train to go see family, then he'd be able to get through without notice. Or so he had thought.

He hadn't taken into account the noise.

He'd hoped that he'd be able to listen to where people were standing by their conversations and maneuver around them, but there was no telling where anyone was in this noise. Besides, he realized suddenly, people wouldn't just be standing in place. The majority would be walking around, and if the squeals of delight were anything to go by there would also be children running around bumping into everyone.

He stared ahead, letting the noise wash over him, and tried to decide how he was going to get to the actual train. He could just walk in what he hoped was a straight line. If he remembered correctly the gate was opposite the platform, with the stairs leading to the train.

What if he ran into someone? There was no way to pretend he wasn't who he was if he stumbled right into someone's arms.

"Here's your bag and case," Irvine said, suddenly next to him. He hid his surprised start and took the bag and Gunblade case from the sharpshooter. A sword would clear a path but his Gunblade was almost as recognizable as he was.

Irvine would tell him if he was about to run into someone or something, right?

He told himself he'd start across on the count of three.

After a moment he realized he'd counted to ten and hadn't moved.

"How about I just keep a hand under your elbow?" Irvine suggested. Squall felt the proffered hand slide under his arm and shuffled an awkward step to the side to pull it out of the hold.

"Squall?"

Squall forced himself to inhale and exhale. He was letting the panic get to him. "Just... give me a minute."

Why had he agreed to do this?

He didn't have to go. He could tell Irvine to take him back and curl up in the safety of his room.

"I'll take it from here cowboy."

Or not

"Seifer," Irvine replied in a less than amiable tone.

The silence that stretched out was almost as nerve-wrecking as the noise beyond the three of them. Finally Irvine shifted and Squall felt the man's hand on his shoulder.

"Come back soon," he said with a squeeze of his hand. He hesitated, and Squall tensed wondering if he was going to hug him in front of Seifer. _That _would go over real well. But Irvine just gave his shoulder another squeeze and then he was gone. A door shut and a car started and then Squall was alone with Seifer.

What _would_ he have done if Irvine had hugged him in front of Seifer? What would Seifer have done?

Squall was still staring at where Irvine had been when Seifer's hand suddenly appeared under his elbow. He recognized the calloused fingers and large palm. With a hiss of surprise, he tried to pull his elbow away but the fingers tightened.

"The train leaves soon," was all Seifer said before he pulled him away from his safe spot and into the chaos.

At first Squall resisted, dragging a step behind, but the pressure of so many people suddenly around him and the amplified noise of everyday talk made him lengthen his stride to match the other man's. That way if Seifer thought it funny to let go, he'd be able to grab a hold of a sleeve or shoulder. But Seifer didn't let go. Instead, his fingers tightened further.

What if someone thought it was odd that a man was leading another man through the crowd? What if someone recognized Seifer and put two and two together? What if –

A shrieking mass of something clipped him as it ran by and he stumbled sideways into Seifer, his bag slipping from his shoulder and falling into oblivion. Seifer's hand fell away from his elbow when he collided with the man and Squall froze, terror rooting him to the spot. But then he heard the familiar baritone voice cursing at someone and warmth returned at his side. This time, however Seifer didn't put his hand under Squall's elbow, instead wrapping it around his waist and pulling him close. Squall's breath locked in his throat as he tried to figure out what the man was doing.

"Just go along with it," Seifer's voice said in his ear. "This way it doesn't look like I'm leading you around."

The arm behind him propelled him forward before he had time to respond and in a matter of moments they were up the stairs and in the station itself. Laguna must have already bought the tickets because Seifer hardly stopped to speak with the man at the door before leading him through and to the left.

The noise dimmed finally and when Seifer had pulled them into a compartment and shut the door, it cut off instantly. The quiet was numbing after all the noise. He let his shoulders un-tense and only then realized that Seifer still had his arm around him.

He took three steps forward out of the hold and clutched his Gunblade case tighter. Where had his bag gone? "My bag-"

"Have it here," Seifer interrupted, still behind him.

It sounded like Seifer was putting it in the compartment closest, and he turned around to face the sounds. Having Seifer behind him made him uneasy. Why had he put an arm around his waist? Even if people hadn't recognized him, they might have recognized Seifer; Seifer with his arm around another man's waist. Balamb was more tolerant than many places but it would have caused some weird looks. Didn't Seifer care?

It was easier to navigate that way sure, but he could have managed it without the man that close. But _he_ hadn't pulled away either.

He pulled out of his thoughts in time to realize Seifer's footsteps were coming towards him. Involuntarily he backed up but the back of his knees hit the compartment's seats and he sat down ungracefully. And still the footsteps advanced, until Squall could sense the other man standing in front of him. What did he want?

Warmth closed over his hand and pried the Gunblade case from his fingers. Then the presence was gone. Squall cradled his hands in his lap. There was an imprint of the case handle in his palm; he must have gripped it tighter than he thought he had.

This was a mistake. This was a _huge _mistake.

This time he didn't hear the footsteps. Seifer's presence was just suddenly there. Hands took the hat and glasses off and he flinched backwards into the seat.

There was silence for a long time. Seifer was staring at him. He could feel it. Staring at his eyes. He ignored the urge to hide them and stared resolutely back. Finally Seifer moved away and the cushions deflated a little across from him. Squall turned his head down so he didn't have to stare blindly towards the man.

The train had begun to move when Seifer spoke up.

"They cut your hair." It sounded accusatory.

Squall ran a hand through the short locks unconsciously and shrugged. "It'll grow back."

Seifer didn't answer and in a flash Squall remembered Seifer had liked his long locks. He crossed his arms to hide the fact that his hands were shaking and bit the inside of his cheek.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_Seifer and Squall sat side by side with their legs drawn up and their elbows around their knees._

"_Why did you do it, Seifer?"_

_Seifer frowned. "Why do you care?" _

_Squall dropped his knees and turned until he was facing Seifer full on. Seifer forestalled his comment with a harsh laugh. "Don't kid yourself Leonhart. It was all me."_

"_Did she have something over you? What would be that important?"_

"_Why do you care?" Seifer asked again._

_Squall frowned at him. "You're not evil, Seifer."_

_Seifer gave an undignified snort. _

"_You're not."But the brunette turned away again, not pushing the issue._

_They were silent for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts before Squall spoke up again._

"_Why aren't you dead, then?"_

_Seifer pushed his shoulders up in a shrug and then glanced sideways at Squall. "Why aren't you?" _

_Squall turned his head away and looked across the endless desert. "Doesn't matter," he answered. "I don't know how to get out of here."_

_Seifer let go of his legs and leaned back on his hands. "Don't know, or don't want to know?" _

_Squall arms tightened around his knees._

_Seifer continued to study Squall profile. He looked pale, and drawn; exhausted. He was seventeen and had just saved the world._

_Talk about needing therapy. _

_He looked away too, out over the desert they sat in. He wondered what time they were in. And where the hell they were for that matter. And while he was at it, why he and Squall were on the same floating island. Or whatever it was. It had been miles long in every direction half an hour ago, but a glance showed there was a ledge thirty feet away on the right. _

_It was a while before Seifer became aware of Squall's shivers. Which was bad, since it wasn't cold._

"_Leonhart?"_

_Squall froze at the sound of his voice. Seifer reached a hand out and tried to turn the man towards him, but Squall flinched violently away and scrambled to his feet, taking several hasty steps back. Seifer took one look at his eyes and quickly stood himself. The gray eyes held nothing but panic. Whatever path of thoughts Squall had been following, it had gotten the better of him. _

_Seifer took a hesitant step forward. Squall watched him with dilated eyes. "What's going on in your head, Leonhart?" Seifer asked. "Just take it easy."_

_He took another step forward, but it was too quick and Squall bolted. _

_Seifer cursed and took off after the brunette. _

_He'd been expecting some kind of breakdown, a heated rant or maybe some lashing out, but not this panicked running. Post-traumatic stress? Hyne knew anyone who'd dealt with Ultimecia would be liable to it and then some._

_Seifer's longer legs worked to his advantage and he soon caught up to the other man. He tackled the brunette around the middle and they both tumbled to the ground. _

_Squall's fist caught him under the chin and he grunted, but went limp and bore Squall's smaller weight to the ground underneath his own. He ducked under the second fist, trying to catch the flailing limbs. It took a few minutes and some rolls but eventually he had a wrist in each hand. _

_Squall was still writhing under him, looking like he wanted to bare his teeth but too scared to. His mind was obviously miles away. And Seifer had no fucking clue how to fix all of it. _

_He found himself staring at the trembling lips. It was pathetic. _

_It was heart-wrenching._

_Not thinking, Seifer leaned down and pressed his lips to Squall's. They were cold but quickly warmed as Seifer's grazed them softly. Squall froze and Seifer leaned back up as his mind caught up with his body. _

_Fuck. _

_That wasn't supposed to happen. _

_Squall was staring up at him, his eyes wide with shock. _

_Seifer started to speak, fumbling for a reason to explain himself, but Squall cut him off by suddenly leaning up and pushing his lips back against Seifer's. Seifer froze this time, but then all thought melted away as heat flared through his body. He pushed into the kiss, letting go of Squall's wrists to cup each side of the brunette's face. Squall's hands came up and gripped the front of his shirt._

_It seemed to last a lifetime. _

_It wasn't nearly long enough._

_Squall's hands on his chest curled, and he suddenly shoved Seifer away. Unbalanced, Seifer tumbled backwards as Squall shuffled the other way. The brunette wiped a hand across his mouth and looked away. Seifer stayed where he was, trying to deny the flash of hurt at the sight of Squall's hand swiping at his lips._

_Now what?_

"_It was you," he finally said._

_Squall turned his face towards Seifer, his expression wary._

"_It was you," Seifer repeated. "If I didn't go with her, she would have taken you." _And I didn't want to see her break you,_ he added silently. Squall was too fragile; he wouldn't have been able to do what she had wanted and she would have killed him because of it. _

"That's_ why you tried to kill us all?" Squall said incredulously. _

_Seifer frowned. The brunette was missing the point entirely. "I wouldn't have gone that far," he said crossly._

_Squall looked down. "How long have… I'm not-"_

"_Yes, you are."_

"_I don't-"_

"_Yes you do."_

_Squall brought his knees up and huddled into them. _

_Shit. This was no time to argue about it. Instinctively Seifer scooted over until his shoulder was pressed against Squall's. _

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer and Squall both jumped violently when the train intercom came on and a soft spoken female announced that they would be arriving in Esthar shortly. Neither of them has spoken a word the whole trip and Seifer was sure Squall was feeling as frayed as he was.

Quietly, he gathered his and Squall's items.

When the train finally came to a halt, he told himself to man up and walked over to Squall. Squall must have heard his footsteps because he tensed the closer he got. He felt like he should say something, but couldn't think of anything. Instead he sat and when Squall's head turned towards him, he slipped the man's sunglasses and hat back on. Just like that, the eyes were hidden behind the reflective lenses. Seifer could see his own reflection in them and didn't like the skittish look he found there.

He had to pull it together.

Squall was looking down at his lap again. Working up his nerve, Seifer reached his hand out and took a hold of Squall's, slipping his fingers through the other man's.

For an instant nothing happened, and then Squall's thumb rubbed slightly along his.

Why?" the brunette whispered.

Because Squall was here with him? Because he couldn't stand seeing him like this, angry and lost? Because nothing was the same?

"I don't know," he replied.

"You should hate me."

"I do. Sometimes."

Squall pulled his hand away. "I... I can't-"

"Forget it," Seifer interrupted. He was such a pansy. What had he expected, Leonhart to clap his arms around him and say everything had changed? Angry at himself, he stood up and made his throat relax so that when he spoke it came out emotionless. "Laguna has a car waiting. Let's go."

"You didn't let me finish."

He didn't want to hear Squall's rejection. He put a hand under Squall's elbow and hoisted him up. Squall's expression tightened and he didn't say anything further just held his hand out, no doubt waiting to be handed his things. Seifer ignored it and tugged the man towards the door, making Squall trip over his feet and do an ungraceful dance to prevent himself from falling into Seifer.

Squall straightened and snarled, suddenly on the aggressive.

Seifer took a deep breath and told himself to calm down. He was being an ass. But he couldn't make his fingers loosen, or his teeth from unclenching. Fuck Squall and his _I cant'_s. It was the same thing he'd said two years ago.

_Trying _to be gentler, he tugged on Squall's elbow to get him to move but Squall jerked his arm free.

"Fuck you," the brunette said in an echo of Seifer's thoughts.

"Tried that. Didn't work, remember?"

The only reason Squall's fist managed to make contact with his jaw was because Seifer wasn't expecting it. He fell back with a curse, dropping the two bags and case he held. With a growl he sprang at Squall, but pulled his fist back just before it landed. Fuck, you couldn't hit a blind man. Whirling he slammed his fist into the compartment's glass window instead. It shattered outwards with a spectacular sound.

He whirled when he heard the choked off gasp behind him. Squall was on his knees with his hands pressed against his ears.

"Squall?"

The brunette's eyes snapped open when Seifer put his hand on his shoulder. "I'm fi… fine."

"No you're not." He took Squall's hands away from his ears so he could take the sunglasses off. The brunette's eyes were twitching.

"Do they hurt? You're eyes?"

"I'm fine," Squall said, more firmly this time.

Seifer backed off and tried to assess the damage from a distance. The breaking glass must have triggered something. A memory? Shit, Kadowaki had told him he needed to be careful about that kind of thing.

Squall brought a hand up and rubbed between his eyes for a second before exhaling hard and looking back up. Seifer gathered their things again, pocketing the sunglasses, while the brunette stood and then stepped up next to the man. He arranged his bag on his right shoulder and placed Squall's hand on the strap in a way where the bag hid that he was actually gripping it. "Just keep hold of that and no one will know." He said and took a step forward. Squall's step forward was late but when Seifer took another step Squall had caught on. As long as they walked side by side their arms and the bag blocked anyone from seeing the stranglehold Squall had on the bag's strap.

They made good time that way and Seifer didn't have to touch the brunette to guide him. He didn't think either he or Squall could have dealt with it at the moment.

The car was waiting outside, nondescript like Kiros and Seifer had suggested. Seifer walked over and stopped in front of the back door. He didn't open it for Squall. "We're here," he said instead.

Squall kept his hand on Seifer's strap but reached his other hand out until his fingertips touched the car in front of him. After a moment's hesitation, Squall moved his hand down until it touched the door handle. Only after Squall had opened the door did he let go of the strap. Then he ducked in and closed the door.

Seifer went around to the other side and slid in himself. The driver was trying not to stare at Squall in the review mirror and failing so Seifer cleared his throat, making the man flush and fumble to start the car. Squall was staring straight ahead. Seifer crossed his arms and looked out his own window as they pulled out into traffic.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_Squall blinked and wondered when he'd fallen asleep. The ground underneath him was warm, but that wasn't right. Nothing was warm here, or cold. It just was. Shifting, he leaned up and stared down at – shit, Seifer. What had he been doing, sleeping _on_ him? The fact that he was sprawled almost on top of the man pointed the accusatory finger. He tried to shift away but arms that he hadn't realized were around his waist tightened and Seifer's eyes opened._

_Squall felt blood rush to his cheeks. "Uh… I didn't mean to…"_

"_You didn't. You looked uncomfortable so I moved you." Seifer answered. _

_Squall frowned. He hadn't felt Seifer move him. He tried to move away again but Seifer's arms made it impossible._

"_Stay," the blonde said, watching him. _

_He looked away for a moment. "You were serious… earlier?" _

"_She would have destroyed you. I couldn't watch that happen."_

_Which meant different things entirely depending on which way you turned it. But Seifer had definitely kissed him. And… he'd kissed the blonde back. Squall looked down at Seifer again. Shit, he was close. He only had to lean down to touch those lips again. _

_You could do whatever you wanted in a hallucination right?_

_Squall leaned down to try a kiss. He felt like he was doing it wrong, but Seifer's arms tightened and he made an encouraging sound, so it must have been fine. Seifer's lips took over after a second to show him how it was done and he copied it with good results. He pulled back a little but Seifer followed him, sitting them up but keeping their mouths locked. Something nudged against his teeth._

_After a moment Seifer pulled back slightly to growl "Open your mouth, Leonhart" before resuming the kiss._

_Squall thought about refusing - Seifer knew he hated people giving him orders - but part of him wanted to know what would happen if he did. Did it make it easier to kiss? Apparently he was too slow in complying because Seifer took his bottom lip between his and sucked until Squall couldn't help but open his mouth. The blonde took the advantage and Squall had time to make a startled sound before Seifer's tongue was running along his and he lost track of his thoughts. _

_Finally he pushed against Seifer's shoulder and pulled back to suck in some air. "Are you trying to suffocate me?" he asked. Actually he really hadn't noticed the lack of air until he'd pulled back, but he needed to say something. _

_Seifer let out a bark of laughter and shoved him back. Squall grunted in irritation as his back hit the ground but Seifer was already leaning down again. A large hand tipped his chin up and to the side and then Squall experienced the oddest sensation he'd ever felt. He shuddered and quickly shoved Seifer up a few inches. _

"_What are you doing?" He demanded. "_Biting _me?"_

_Seifer laughed again, a curiously happy sound, and pushing Squall's hands away, leaned down again. _

_He tried to turn his head to watch but a hand came up and pushed his chin to the side and he lost track of his thoughts again._

_**Authors Note: **__The chapter's done! Finally! To anyone who doesn't know yet, chapters one through five have been revised and updated on 3/4/11. And I have someone editing the chapters now; many thanks for their efforts in helping me complete this one. Thanks for reading and to any old readers thanks for staying with it. :) Hope you liked it._


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Have you forgotten all about me? I'm terribly sorry that it has taken me this long to get another chapter out. I'm very disappointed in myself, you can be sure. But here it is, finally: Chapter seven. Please enjoy :)

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Yes, he's eating. He takes it in his room though. He hardly ever comes out."

Laguna's voice circled around the room as he talked into the phone to Dr. Kadowaki. Seifer drummed his fingers on the armrest of the chair in agitation, but a second later got up and paced to the window. It was sunny like it had been all week. Seifer closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the glass. Even then, some brightness leaked through to let him know the sunshine hadn't gone anywhere. Was it just a matter of knowing the sun was shining, or was he seeing the brightness even with his eyes closed?

Turning, he faced Laguna's office with his eyes still closed and took a step forward before freezing. Where was the couch again? He told himself not to open his eyes, to think it through and remember, but at the first thought of uncertainty his reflexes had already opened his eyes.

The couch lay innocently to the left. A straight path forward would have been clear of any obstacles. He closed his eyes again and told himself to walk across the room. He lifted a foot before hesitating again. What if he didn't walk in a straight line? How would he know if he wasn't? How would he know if he was about to run into something?

"Sleeping, I think." Laguna said from the desk. "Yes. I check on him every few hours."

Seifer leaned back against the wall next to the window and rubbed at his head. He and Squall hadn't talked since they'd arrived at the Presidential Palace. Squall had stayed in his guest room and Seifer had stayed on the other side of the building.

That had been fine for the first few days when Seifer had still been pissed but his anger had withered and now it was just painful watching Squall shut himself away. Sleeping, Laguna had said. Sleeping and nothing else it seemed. Why had he come to Esthar if he was just going to ignore everyone and everything?

It wasn't living, it was simply existing. And Seifer was afraid that the more the brunette shut himself away, the more this depression would take hold of him. And if that lasted long enough, maybe it would lead to…

He didn't think Squall would kill himself, but once the thought had presented itself it hadn't let him forget the possibility. And once he'd thought of it, he'd had to force himself not to check up on the Ex-Commander every few hours. The worrying was stressing the hell out of him.

He needed Squall to pull his shit together so that he could breathe easier.

But Squall wasn't even trying.

He needed a push; someone to get him started. Seifer had thought about it the night before, knew that Laguna didn't have enough force to make Squall take action. The SeeD troupe hadn't even tried, simply tiptoed around with hushed voices. He conceded on their behalf that Squall didn't listen to advice very well, but come on.

That left him.

He knew he'd be able to get Squall moving. It was his specialty, invoking emotion in the brunette. But would he be able to do it without getting stuck in past feelings?

Probably not.

Seifer grimaced and stared at his boots.

He hated Squall. Hated that the man made him feel like this; unsure and warm and lovey-dovey. And for two years!

It had _just_ been a crush, a want that was unreachable. But then Squall had reciprocated the feeling and he'd had the best month of his life. It had never been the same since. None of the men he'd tried dating after the war could compare. It was like he'd tasted a new drink that was so good that he couldn't stand the other drinks anymore.

He distantly observed Laguna ending his call.

He knew what he wanted. Forget what had happened when the brunette had left. Forget the past two years of anger and pain. It didn't matter. He knew what he fucking wanted.

But he didn't know what Squall wanted.

And he was just lovey-dovey enough for that to matter.

"Everything okay?" Laguna asked, moving the stapler on his desk back and forth in front of him. Seifer knew he was worried as well, that every time he went and checked on his son he got more concerned.

Seifer glanced at the president but didn't answer. They both knew that answer.

Laguna sighed and stopped fiddling with the staple. "Are there still reporters outside?"

Seifer glanced over his shoulder through the window. "Yea," he said, eyeing the cameras and pressed suits in front of the presidential palace gates darkly. "You'd think they'd just give up."

"Give it another day or two." Laguna replied and then added sadly. "There's nothing for them to see anyways." He looked up at Seifer, his eyes pleading. "I thought it would get better. But it's just getting worse. He's…"

Seifer didn't let the man finish. He pushed off the wall and started for the door. "He's not! He's going to get better."

He left Laguna behind and made his way towards the guest rooms.

Someone had to get Squall out of that room. If it had to be him, then so be it. He'd bury his feelings and drag the brunette out. He'd get the man on his feet while keeping his distance, and then he would leave and go home.

When he reached Squall's room he knocked harshly and opened the door. "Get up."

Squall was sitting up in the bed in response to his knocking. "What are you doing in here?" he asked listlessly. Obviously he wasn't interested in the answer because he lay back down and pulled the sheet up around his shoulders without waiting for one.

Seifer stalked around the bed until he was facing Squall again and tugged the blanket off the man. Squall's pupil-less eyes snapped open again.

Seifer ignored the furious look. "Get out of bed. It's the middle of the day."

"So?"

"Get out of the bed Squall."

"Leave me alone."

Seifer huffed out a breath then leaned towards the man and slapped him.

Squall flinched back across the sheets, looking shocked.

"Enough with this self-pity shit," Seifer barked. He grabbed both shoulders and pulled the man up roughly into a seated position. "Don't move," he ordered and stomped to where Squall's bag was lying on the ground near the bed, unzipped. He pulled a stack of clothes out and dumped them on the floor. Most of the material was dark, from shades of blue to shades of black. Seeing something red he pulled it up and shook it out.

He had to swallow when he recognized it as the shirt he'd given Squall. Why did Squall still have it? Exhaling consciously, he stood and turned back towards the bed. Squall had pulled his knees up and curled into them, but he hadn't lain down again.

"Here," he said, and pulled the shirt down over Squall's head. Squall grunted in surprise as the material yanked over his eyes and nose but Seifer ignored him and grabbing a wrist, tugged it into one sleeve.

"Get away," Squall snapped, trying to push him away with his free arm and only succeeding in flailing around. "Idiot, I can put the shirt on myself!"

"Oh?" Seifer said, getting Squall's elbow through the sleeve and pulling it straight. Dropping the arm, he snagged Squall's other and proceeded to force it into the remaining sleeve. "You mean you _can _do something by yourself?" Squall flailed around some more, spluttering curses, as Seifer got the other arm into the sleeve and pulled the material down over Squall's stomach. Then, before Squall could fully catch up, he slipped an arm under the brunette's knees and one across his back and scooped the man up against his chest. Then he turned and made for the door.

Squall thrashed. "Put me down!"

"As soon as we're out of the room." Seifer replied, pushing the cracked door open with his back. Squall's elbow hit the doorframe as he moved into the hallway and the brunette hissed, momentarily stilling his struggles and compacting his body into Seifer's. It gave Seifer time to swing them both out all the way into the hallway.

He let go of Squall's knees, letting socked feet hit the ground.

"Hmm. Forgot your shoes," he muttered. He pushed Squall a few more steps into the hallway before letting go and entering the room again.

Glancing around, he spotted the military boots near the bed where they'd been tossed, and grabbed them. Then, catching sight of the mess he'd made with the clothes, he moved over to the bag. Instead of shoving the clothes back in the bag, he looked into it to see what else had been packed for Squall. A few Braille books, and in the bottom a white stick. Seifer pulled it out and realized it was an extendable walking cane. He tucked it under his arm and picking the boots back up, left the room.

Squall was still standing in the spot where he'd left him, hands gripping his arms. Seifer closed the bedroom door behind himself and walked over. The hallway was tiled and Squall turned his head to face him as his boots clicked against the stone.

"Might as well sit down while I do this," Seifer said, when he was standing in front of the man again.

"Fuck off," Squall snarled.

Seifer knelt, put the cane aside, and grasping Squall's ankle pulled it up high enough to get a boot underneath. If Squall fell it was his own fault.

The brunette almost did fall but a hand came out instinctively and gripped Seifer's shoulder. Seifer stilled at the contact, savoring the touch before the inevitable jerk away. But Squall didn't let go. He cursed Seifer colorfully, but he didn't let go.

Seifer pushed Squall's foot down into the boot and tied the laces up before moving to the next foot. Squall took his hand away when Seifer stood up and crossed his arms, looking away.

"There, all ready to go," Seifer said, pushing cheer into his voice.

"Go where?" Squall asked, not looking at him.

"Away from that room," Seifer replied, picking up the extendable cane. "And all the pity in there. What's the point of being in there if all it does it make you depressed?"

Squall didn't answer and Seifer studied his profile. The brunette locks were mussed up like they hadn't been combed through in days and the lines around his mouth showed cracks in the usual mask.

Seifer closed his eyes and tried to put himself in Squall's shoes, standing in the middle of the hallway. He knew which direction Laguna's office and the gardens were, and where the kitchens and gym were, but none of that mattered in the darkness behind his eyelids. Direction didn't matter. The darkness itself was big enough to make anything else doubtful.

He opened his eyes and looked at the man across from him, cowering in that darkness. It was clear from the hunched shoulders, the fingers gripping opposite arms, the clenched jaw.

Seifer didn't know what to say. What could anyone really say? That it would all get better?

Screw his earlier decision.

He took a few steps forward and enveloped Squall in his arms, tucking the brunette head under his chin and gently pulling bangs away from his face. Squall didn't even fight him. He slumped into Seifer, trusting the blonde to keep him standing and shuddered.

Seifer felt it when the chest against his seized slightly. It seemed to be the one that broke the dam and in a matter of seconds the brunette's ribs were heaving under sobs that never reached his throat.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer picked a bench that sat facing the sun, hoping that Squall would be able to feel the warmth even if he couldn't see the light. At first, Squall sat with his head tilted towards his knees and his hands gripping his biceps, but after a few minutes he shifted and raised his head to look forward. Seifer stayed silent and soon Squall's arms had loosened and the lines near his mouth disappeared.

Seifer leaned back into the bench and stared out across the gardens. He'd only ever seen Squall cry once before, when they'd been five and on their way to Balamb. He had held the smaller boy then too as the brunette's tears stained his shirt. This time no tears had fallen. Only the seizing chest against his had shown Squall's distress.

He silenced his thoughts and just listened. He could hear Squall's soft breathing next to him if he concentrated. Could Squall hear his? A bird chirped behind him, and another replied. Beyond the birds was the rustling of leaves.

Is this all that's left? He wondered. Sound and touch?

No, he realized, a second after he'd asked himself the question. He could feel Squall next to him, could sense him. He frowned, puzzled. He'd never noticed it before, but he _could_ sense Squall. To a degree. Was that why at times Squall seemed to know when he was close?

Sense, touch, smell, and hearing.

He opened his eyes and sat up straighter, noticing Squall's twitch in response. Hearing the movement or sensing it?

"Where's your phone?"

"Why?"

"Just hand it here."

Squall scowled but dug into his pocket and pulled the mobile device out. Seifer took the phone and flipped it open. "Rinoa's called twice." Squall didn't say anything and Seifer got to work.

Ten minutes later, he sat up straight again. "Alright. If Rinoa calls, it'll sound like this." He played the ringtone; a soft melody. "Here's Laguna's... And Irvine's." He went through them all, one by one, slowly so Squall could process the sounds. He didn't think Squall was going to ask him to repeat any of them. Finally he came to the last number, the one he'd added a minute ago. "This is mine."

He let it play for a second before he shut the phone and handed it to Squall with a "here" so the man would open his hand.

Squall took it and looked down towards it as if he could study the silver device.

"The standard ring is for anyone not in your contacts."

Seifer took his own phone out of his pocket and pushed "1" and "Send".

Squall jumped when the phone in his hand started ringing, playing the last song Seifer had played for him. Squall turned pupil-less eyes toward him.

"I've programmed it to answer when you flip the phone open." Seifer said and then waited.

The tune repeated twice more before Squall finally flipped the phone open and the ringing stopped. Seifer set his own phone on the bench next to him and leaned over, taking Squall's unoccupied hand and moving it towards the phone in his other.

"Feel the slight knob here? That's on the five. You should be able to find the numbers off of that. These bumps are your menu buttons, but you shouldn't need them. And these two, underneath are the "Send" and "End". They both have a knob on their corners."

After a delayed second the brunette's thumb moved along the keypad, circled the menu buttons and found the button underneath on the right with the knob. He pressed it and Seifer's phone showed the call ended. The blonde put his phone back into his pocket and glanced at Squall to gauge his reaction.

The brunette's finger was still exploring the keypad.

"Do you want me to put some of your contacts on speed dial?"

Squall shook his head. "I know the numbers," he said quietly.

That was when Seifer caught a glimpse of something on Squall's arm. He reached out and gripped Squall's arm yanking it over to his lap. It was a scratch, an angry red color against the pale skin.

"What the fuck?"

Squall tried to tug his arm back but Seifer tightened his grip, studying the mark. It was scraped, not cut. And just on the surface. Just a scratch then. A scratch that looked like the brunette had dug his fingernails into it repeatedly.

"Would you have used a knife if you could have found one?" he asked angrily, looking back up at Squall.

Squall's wasn't looking towards him. "I had Revolver."

Seifer guessed the Gunblade could be counted as a big ass knife. "So why?"

Squall shrugged. "I didn't mean to."

"How do you not mean to gouge your fingernails into your arm?"

"It just happened."

_It just happened. _Good God.

"I suppose it could just happen that you accidently slip and cut your wrists too?"

Squall just looked towards him.

"Don't even think about it Leonhart!" Seifer snapped. "Don't fucking think about it."

Squall looked away and tugged his arm free.

Seifer closed his hands into fists. "It'll get better Squall… I'll _make_ it better."

He repeated the words to himself, vowing to do so.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall opened his eyes as the dream faded. Blackness greeted him silently. The color of the dream was already gone where even his memory couldn't bring it back. He swallowed down the need to scream and rage for it come back, the same way he had swallowed it down the morning before and morning before that.

Was it even morning?

That gave him pause and he scowled up at what he supposed was the ceiling for a minute before growling quietly in his throat. He'd have to get out of the bed and ask someone to find out. He decided it wasn't important to know after all and turned onto his side.

"It's morning. Just after eight."

Squall started violently, jolting upright and reaching for something to defend himself with.

"Easy there. It's just me." The baritone voice said.

He stilled and scowled towards the voice. "How long have you been in here?" he demanded. Seifer was right next to him; probably sitting on the bed. And he hadn't noticed?

"You were asleep when I came in." Seifer replied.

Squall wrapped his arms around his bare chest, suddenly self-conscious. "Well you can leave now."

"Is there color in your dreams?"

Squall froze.

"Guess I'd be irritable too." Seifer said into the silence.

Seifer started tapping on something; something that pushed down by the sound of it. A keyboard, maybe. A laptop? Squall pushed the question away and asked the more important one. "Why are you on the bed?"

The tapping didn't stop. "Because there was nowhere else to sit."

Squall frowned. Was that true? Shouldn't there be a chair or something in the room?

"I've been looking at some Braille watches online. Interested?"

"What?"

"Braille watches," Seifer repeated. "So you don't have to always ask what time it is or guess."

Squall blinked, trying to catch up.

"It looks just like a normal watch, but instead of a normal face it has segments that rise depending on the time. You just have to know which pattern means what."

The memory of the day before popped up when Seifer had added different ringtones to his phone so he could differentiate between calls.

"Well, I ordered it anyways. It'll be here in a few days." The tapping had stopped. "Now that you're up, go shower."

When he didn't move right away, a hand wrapped around his own and pulled him up and off the bed. He stumbled. When had Seifer put the laptop aside? When had he stood up? It was all going too fast. He was already following Seifer by the time it all processed.

"Wait," he said, trying to stop. He needed to make sense out of what was happening. What _had_ happened?

"No stopping," Seifer said, pulling him along.

A door opened and he entered a room slightly cooler than the bedroom. Squall's trailing hand touched first the wooden door, than a cabinet. The bathroom. Only then did he realize he hadn't taken a shower in the four days he'd been in Esthar. He'd fumbled his way to the toilet a few times but that had been all.

Seifer was still gripping his hand, but the sound of water came on, roaring as it hit porcelain. Then it changed to a softer sound, like heavy rain.

"All set," Seifer's voice said, echoing in the small room. "I'll leave you to it." The hand holding his loosened and then fell away. He opened his mouth but the door behind him was already shutting.

Shutting him into a new unknown

He hadn't thought about it before, but he couldn't remember showering at all since before the mission. How had he never felt as dirty as he suddenly did now? He never _had_ felt dirty. Dr. Kadowaki must had sponge bathed him while he was sleeping. It was the only explanation.

He followed the cabinet to the toilet and sat down, sickened by the thought.

The image spread through his thoughts and morphed into others and his breathing heaved. Bile crept up his throat but he swallowed it down, forcing himself to take deep breaths. Wrapping his arms over his stomach he hunched over them and focused on the sound of the water hitting the tub until the panic faded.

Showering is simple, he told himself.

He walked through the motions in his head to show himself it was. Take the clothes off and pile them together somewhere he would remember leaving them, find the shower curtain and move it aside enough to step in. There was always space between the water and the wall, enough for him to stand while he tested the water to see how hot it was. Then move under and soak his hair and reach for the…

He leaned down further until his head was on his knees and exhaled into them.

He sat up quickly when he heard knocking on the door. It opened a second later and he waited for Seifer to yell at him for not getting into the shower.

"I forgot to show you," was all Seifer said before his boots clicked against the bathroom tiles and passed Squall. The shower curtain slid against its bar. "It looks like the shampoo and conditioner bottles are shaped the same." Something was moved around. "Shampoo's in the left corner and the conditioners in the right. Body soap is in a bigger bottle on the side wall under the bar." The curtain slid against its bar again.

Squall didn't look up, not sure what expression was currently on his face. Seifer didn't seem to need an answer though because he left again as suddenly as the first time.

He sat still for another minute, consciously blanketing his thoughts, before standing and slowly taking his clothes off. He piled them on the cabinet, and then reached for the curtain. It was only an arms-length away. Putting a hand on the wall, he moved the curtain aside and hesitantly stepped into the tub, the water at his back. Then, pulling the curtain back to the wall, he let himself step under the water.

The soft patter of water soaked his hair immediately and then worked its way down the rest of him, collecting grime as it did. He hissed as the water ran over the scratch on his arm, producing a stinging sensation. He raised it up a little, out of the water's flow.

_I'll make it better_

He'd wanted to snarl at the blonde for his promise, for even suggesting that it could be done. Braille watches and ringtones didn't make the situation better.

He brought his hands up and rubbed his face, washing the four days of grease and dirt away.

He'd never even heard of Braille watches. It was a ridiculous idea. But… it might be nice… to not have to always ask someone what time it was.

Shaking his head, he reached for the left-hand corner and closed his hand around a plastic bottle. Fumbling the lid open he squeezed the cold substance into his palm, put the bottle back carefully and rubbed the shampoo into his hair. His finger's fumbled at the short length, used to pulling through locks.

_Sit still. It's not my fault your hair's fucking addicting. It's just begging to be petted._

He didn't understand why Seifer was trying to help.

What was he getting out of it?

"_Here, let me fix it." Seifer leaned over and snatched the papers from his hands._

_Squall turned and watched the blonde set them before him and start to look them over. "Why? It's my work. What do you get out of helping me finish it?"_

"_Do I have to get something out of it?" Seifer replied. "Can't I just help?"_

_Squall eyed the taller man as he picked up a pencil and scribbled a note by the first paragraph. "There's always a reason."_

"_I like helping you."_

"_Why?"_

_Seifer glanced up at him and frowned. "Because."_

"_Because why?" _

_Seifer scribbled another note lower down on the page. "I just do."_

"_That's not an answer."_

"_Is so."_

_Squall crossed his arms and sat back in his chair as Seifer made another note. "You just help because you feel like it?"_

_Seifer looked up and smiled openly. "Well, and it gets you into bed faster."_

_Squall scowled. "There's always a reason," he muttered._

He shook his head and the memory slid away.

What was Seifer's reason now?

Frowning, he finished washing and then felt for the knob to turn the water off. Only when he'd pushed the shower curtain aside did he realize he had no idea where the towels were. He cursed and then reached out towards the wall opposite the toilet. Thankfully he'd guessed right and a towel was hanging right there. Grateful that it had been so easy to find, he stepped out and began to dry himself off.

"Have a preference on what you want to wear?" Seifer's voice asked through the door.

Squall started in surprise and took a step back into the tub, tripping backwards over it. He hit the porcelain wall with a thud and then tumbled down into the tub. He'd barely landed when the door crashed open and Seifer was somewhere in front of him.

"You okay?" the blonde asked as hands grasped his forearms and pulled him back up into a standing position. Then one hand was feeling the back of his head, searching for a bump or blood or something.

"Seifer!" Squall hissed, pushing the man away and fumbling to get the towel around himself.

He heard Seifer chuckle a little. "Puberty boy. It's nothing I haven't seen before."

Squall sent a glare towards where Seifer was and firmly wrapped the towel around his waist.

"Well come on then," Seifer said, sounding amused, and his voice muted as if getting further away. "We have a lot to do."

Huffing, frown plastered on his face, Squall hesitantly followed the voice out of the bathroom, following the cabinet and stopping once his hand dropped away from it.

"We?" he asked into the blackness Seifer had disappeared in.

"You didn't think I would let you sulk in here, did you?"

Squall scowled automatically and ran that through his head. "What would _I _be able to do?" he finally asked.

"Learn the layout of this building for one."

Oh.

"And practice that Braille." Then Seifer was in front of him again. "Here. Jeans and a black T-shirt." The clothes were placed in his hands and then Seifer's presence was gone again. Why couldn't the man just stand still? When the voice came again, it was a few feet away. "Okay Puberty Boy. My back's turned. Now get dressed."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

A pause. "I guess you don't." Another chuckle. "Come on Leonhart, you didn't use to be this shy. Scared?"

If anything could push Squall into action, it was that word. Glowering, he dropped the towel and handled the clothes in his hands, trying to determine what was what. Seifer was moving around in front of him but Squall didn't know what he was doing. Squall told himself to ignore the blonde and fumbled to get the clothes on. It was more work than he anticipated. He had to drop the shirt and socks to get the pants on and then he had to crouch to find them again.

Seifer had stopped moving by the time he had finally straightened, fully clothed.

"Alright, come see this," the baritone voice said, sounding distracted.

Squall gritted his teeth at Seifer's continued bossiness. Enough was enough. Did the blonde think –

He started as a hand closed around his and pulled him forward seven steps.

"Asshole," he muttered darkly.

"Stubborn bastard," came the reply. The blonde's hand moved his to a wood surface in front of them. "Here's the dresser. A straight line from the bathroom. I've put your pants in the right," his hand was slid along the surface to the right and to a handle. "Shirts in the middle drawer." Back to the center to another handle. "And socks and boxers in the left." The process was repeated, this time further to the left. "Your bland taste in color is actually good. There's no chance of mismatching clothes. Blue jeans go with anything."

"What did you expect?"

"Pin-striped pants," Seifer deadpanned. His hand, still encased in Seifer's, was moved back to the top of the wood. "Braille books are piled here. Revolver is leaning on the right of the dresser."

Squall would never say it, but having everything together made him feel a little better. "My bag?"

"Empty and on the left of the dresser."

Belatedly Seifer let go of his hand.

After a silent pause, Squall reached for his left arm. He hadn't even gotten close when Seifer slapped his hand away.

"Stop that."

Squall glowered. "It itches," He said, reaching again.

Seifer encased his wrist and kept it away from the scratch. "Duh. Don't touch it. You'll just make it worse."

Squall glowered some more. He'd forgotten how relentless Seifer could be.

"That was all I had?" he asked.

"Yes. And this."

Something was placed in his hand and it took a minute to figure out what it was. When he did, he dropped it, hissing. "Why is _that_ here?"

"It was packed. You should learn to use it."

It was in Seifer's hands again, the blonde trying to put it back in his hands. He slapped his hand out, connecting with Seifer's and sending the object flying. "Get it away from me."

There was an angry sigh. "Should have known you'd throw a fit over it."

Squall crossed his arms and gripped his biceps tightly. "I'm not using it."

"You don't really have a choice." Seifer replied, grabbing his arm and yanking it around from its hold. Squall fisted his fingers but Seifer pried them open again, put the smooth cylinder into his palm, and closed and held his hand around it.

"Stop it!" Squall snapped, trying to yank his hand back and shake the stick out of it while simultaneously pushing at the chest under his other hand. "I don't _want_ it."

"You need it."

"I _don't_!" His voice cracked on the last word and even _he_ could hear the hysterical note there. Biting his lip, he shoved harder at the chest under his hand.

"You can't always familiarize yourself with your surroundings. You need the back-up."

Squall was shaking his head. "I can't do this. I can't be... blind."

"You _are _blind."

"Ican't! I _can't!_"

He couldn't. He couldn't afford to be blind. He couldn't get enough air in. His chest hurt and he felt sick. It didn't work this way. He was supposed to die in battle. That was what happened to soldiers. Not this. He couldn't… He didn't… It wasn't right. He didn't want it.

All too suddenly he felt cold, and a shiver rippled up his spine. The darkness was laughing, an insane roar in his ears, lunging in to surround and press in on him.

It didn't work like this. It wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair_!

He didn't want it.

Laughing. The darkness was laughing.

_Someone take it away _

_Please…_

_Take it away._

…

_Don't want…_

…

_Please._

…

It was a while before he realized a hand was stroking his hair, running through its short length gently. He was sitting… somewhere. Somewhere warm. The warmth was against him, wrapping around him.

"They said you'd been having panic attacks." Seifer said quietly.

Squall huddled into the warmth, away from panic attacks and darkness and insanity. Seifer's arms tightened in response, and the hand continued to stroke his hair. He realized he was gripping the cane in his fist, hard enough to hurt, and belatedly let go of it. He heard its muffled thump as it hit the carpeted ground. This time Seifer didn't force it back into his hands.

"I don't want it." He whispered, hating the tremor in his voice, hating that he said it, hating that he was being weak.

"Okay," Seifer replied; softly, soothingly. Like he was talking to a skittish animal.

Squall listened to the heartbeat underneath his ear and swallowed.

Whatever Seifer had in mind…

Anything was better than this.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

AN: Good news; I'm already working on chapter eight. No promises, but I'll try to get it out in a few weeks tops. Reviews always help :) Any writer will tell you that when someone gushes about their piece, it's like Christmas comes early.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

"What the hell happened while I was between continents?" Zell asked, slapping a newspaper onto the desk. Quistis glanced down at the front page and grimaced.

"Squall's in Esthar."

"Yea, I can see. Why is Almasy with him?" The short blonde looked exhausted, like he wanted nothing more than to curl up somewhere dark and sleep for a few days. Irvine stood from the couch and went to snag the paper to see what had concerned the blonde.

The front page picture was innocent enough. They were sitting on the bench together, but they weren't sitting_ too_ close. In the smaller picture next to that though, the blonde was leaning into the smaller brunette holding his hand. Wait… Showing him something?

Running a layout of Laguna's palace gardens through his mind, Irvine realized the suicidal camera-man must have climbed the wall and perched on the very outskirts of the garden in order to get his shots.

"As far as I know, Seifer was staying there beforehand." Quistis answered Zell.

"Seifer and Laguna know each other?" Zell looked confused. Rightly so in Irvine's opinion.

"Apparently," he muttered and scanned the article under the pictures. There wasn't much there, just that Squall hadn't been seen for the first few days after arriving and only on the fourth day had the reporters caught sight of him and Mr. Almasy in the gardens. Laguna had refused to comment when asked how his son was doing.

"How was your mission?" Quistis asked Zell, trying to change the subject.

"Good. Did Squall know Seifer was in Esthar when he left?"

"He knew," Irvine said before Quistis could. "Seifer was the one who came to _escort_ him."

"Oh." Zell frowned and thought that over. "Well, if he knew. I'm sure that's okay." Once he'd finished speaking, he seemed to deflate. He yawned hugely, apologized, and left without saying anything else.

Irvine dropped the paper back down onto the desk.

"How is Selphie?" Quistis asked him after a moment, attempting to pick up where they had been before Zell's arrival.

He leaned a hip on the desk and crossed his arms. "Don't know. She's been planning this year's Garden Festival."

"Busy as always," Quistis commented. Then she paused and looked up. "You're not helping? Usually you two are inseparable."

"A year ago we were inseparable," Irvine corrected. "Then it was Jenny. And then Emily. The relationships never last very long."

"And?" Quistis asked, seeming to understand where this was leading.

Irvine shrugged and glanced at the paper still on the desk. "What if that doesn't last either?"

"I don't think that's a bad thing," Quistis answered hesitantly.

"But what if that's what Squall needs?"

"You can't do anything about it. He's in Esthar."

"I could go there too."

Quistis shook her head. "Don't do it for him, Irvine. Do it for yourself." Irvine didn't answer and Quistis frowned. "We all care about him," she reassured. "And we've all crushed on him at one point too. But I think you're confusing two different types of relationships." Irvine scowled and raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want a _relationship_ with Squall?" She stressed the word heavily.

"You make it sound like that's a bad thing," he replied.

Quistis paused like she was picking her words carefully. "It's just… I don't think Squall is looking for what you're looking for." Irvine opened his mouth angrily, but paused and then shut it. Quistis continued. "Squall is… Well, Squall is difficult. He lives by his own rules, and he doesn't always think about how it affects everyone else. And he's not very affectionate. He needs someone who understands him and won't be offended when he forgets anniversaries and birthdays." Quistis looked at her hands for a minute before looking up again. "You care too much Irvine. And by that, I mean you care more than he does. I'm afraid you'd just get hurt if you tried to pursue anything."

Irvine looked around the office, thinking. "He reciprocated," he finally said.

"Sometimes," Quistis reminded. "The other half of the time he shoved you away."

"But it's more than he's ever allowed." Irvine added, turning and facing her again. "God Quistis, I was able to _hold_ him. And he needed it."

"But did he want it?"

"Why would he have allowed it if he didn't?"

"Think about what he's going through. He just became blind. I don't think it was high on his priority list. He was probably just reacting based on his emotions. And his emotions were all over the place, we know that." Quistis spoke gently. "I think you would be a lot happier setting your sights on someone else. Squall has too much on his plate right now to do anything other than give inconsistent reactions and when he finally does figure everything out, I don't think you'll get the reactions you want."

"Just go ahead and say it,"

Quistis frowned a little. "Okay. I don't think the two of you match. At all."

"At all," Irvine repeated, crossing his arms. "You're saying that he's cold, and that he needs someone who knows how to handle it. Someone like…" Irvine trailed off, his mouth hanging open.

… _Someone like Almasy. _

He'd been about to say Almasy because Seifer was a cold bastard himself, but after placing the two of them together in that context…

Squall had forced a memory - or memories? - of his to be forgotten.

He looked down at the newspaper lying on Quistis' desk. Seifer and Squall were sitting on the bench together. They weren't sitting that close, but Seifer was leaning in, holding Squall's hand. It looked like he was showing Squall something the brunette held, but he was still holding the smaller hand.

What if…

Irvine shook his head roughly. _No. _It was a ridiculous notion. He was just being paranoid.

"-ine."

Irvine lifted his head, startled, and glanced at Quistis.

"What's wrong? You completely dazed out."

"Uh. Sorry," he said. "Just thinking."

"About?"

"You're right. Squall has enough on his plate right now." He glanced down at the newspaper. "Mind if I take that?"

Quistis shook her head and he picked it up, nodded, and left, not seeing her puzzled expression.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Leave me alone!" Squall snarled and reaching out to the blonde next to him he gave into the violent impulse surging through him and shoved the man away. There was a serious of uneven sounds on the tiled floor as Seifer stumbled back.

Turning his back, Squall stomped away.

– Shit, what direction was he going in?

"Squall! Stop!"

Seifer's words came too late; he'd already stepped forward into air.

His foot came down hard on a stair beneath him, slamming his heart up into his throat and overbalancing him. Then he was falling.

The shock and pain didn't come until he'd landed at the bottom of the stairs, sprawled awkwardly. His pained groan echoed and then chaos erupted.

"Squall!"

"Sir, are you okay?"

"Oh my god. Sir?"

Steel toed boots came down the stairs making hurried and sharp sounds. Running. The boots stopped next to him, and warmth crouched down.

"Shit Leonhart. Are you okay?"

"Sir?"

"Should I get an icepack?"

"Mr. Leonhart, sir?"

He sat up and swiped all the reaching warmth back and tried to get to his feet. Without any orientation he ended up with one boot on the last stair which pitched him off balance again. After a second, somehow, he got both feet on level ground.

"It's fine," he barked. "I'm fine."

It went completely silent.

Reaching and gripping the handrail tightly he raised a foot and stepped back onto the stair. When no one said anything he turned around and hurried back up the stairs, trying not to trip.

Someone tried to say something but Seifer's voice cut through it. Squall didn't listen and focused on getting away. Six, seven, eight –_ were these the stairs with twenty steps or the ones with fifteen _– eleven, twelve. At fifteen, he paused and cautiously moved his foot forward. It connected with another stair and he climbed up the other five. Following the handrail's curve he moved away from the stairs until the handrail connected to a wall. Stepping away from what he assumed was the balcony overlook he reached the safety of solid material and left the people behind.

Exhaling harshly, he leaned back against the wall and slid down it until he was sitting on the ground with his knees drawn up.

Fucking Hyne. He'd been bumper-caring it all week but this put the icing on the cake.

Seifer had dragged him out into the halls every day and he said that Squall was getting better at navigating them but Squall thought he was full of shit. He'd run into so many walls and doors and plants that he was sure his knees and fingers were going to be permanently bruised.

This place was too big; he couldn't remember all the numbers and rooms. But he didn't know what to do about that other than keep memorizing until he got it right. The problem with that was that he didn't want to. He didn't want to have to.

Besides, was he going to stay here the rest of his life? If he wasn't why was he bothering with learning how to navigate the place?

He glared at nothing.

Did he have any other place to go? He couldn't go back to Garden. Not long-term. They couldn't house him forever if he wasn't earning his keep, and he couldn't even do that anymore.

Footsteps stepped off the stairs and came towards him. He tensed.

"It's me," Seifer said. Squall relaxed but didn't turn his head as the man reached him and crouched down. "How are you?"

"Fine"

"I mean physically. Anything broken or sprained?" His whole body ached, but nothing was broken. He shook his head. Seifer's warmth and smell shifted as he sat down against the wall next to him. "It's going to take time, Squall."

"Meaning I'll fall down the stairs more than once."

"Not if you'd use that cane," came Seifer's reply.

Squall snarled. "I told you not to bring it up."

Seifer muttered something under his breath and Squall tried to reign in his anger. He was angry all the time now. Angry at everyone and everything. Every sound was irritating, every movement frustrating, every thought tinged with red overtones.

Seifer didn't comment audibly and Squall let the silence build.

Most days he hated Seifer. Today was one of those days. The man wouldn't leave him alone, kept pulling him out into the halls or pushing the Braille books into his hands. He knew that if the blonde wasn't doing it he probably wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it on his own. That only made it worse.

"What if you went somewhere else?" Seifer asked. "I mean, this palace is monstrous. That can't help any."

"Where would I go?" he asked in an echo of his earlier thoughts.

Seifer didn't answer, suddenly quiet.

Squall decided to ignore him and drew a map in his head wondering if he could get back to his room by himself. The staircase had twenty steps which meant it was the one leading up from the front lobby. He was pretty sure the left hallway led to the conference rooms and then curved into the guest room wing. Letting go of his knees he pushed himself up to his feet and turned down the hallway, letting a hand trail along the wall.

He heard Seifer rise and follow him. "What about a house?" the gunblader asked from behind him. It was a surprisingly hesitant question, but the tentativeness quickly left and Seifer's voice grew surer. "It's a lot smaller, simpler. You wouldn't have as hard of a time trying to familiarize yourself with where the walls and furniture are."

"Laguna's guest house won't make anything better," Squall retorted.

"Not Laguna's guest house."

Squall stopped. _Don't - _

"My house," Seifer said, still behind him. "In Deling. I know it won't make anything better. But it's a lot smaller. There's less to keep track of. And no stairs."

No stairs. No people to watch him stumbling around. Except Seifer.

It would just be him and Seifer.

"Why would you offer something like that," he asked, still frozen in place.

"Because this isn't working for you. You need to start smaller."

"But why there?" It didn't make sense that Seifer would offer his house. They hadn't spoken about what had happened after the war since Balamb and he didn't know where Seifer stood on the matter. He would think Seifer had simply decided to forget about it but then he'd do something like this.

"Because it's the smallest place I can think of that's an option."

That wasn't the reason. Or not all of it at least. He waited, feeling Seifer's eyes on his back.

"I can't stay here for much longer," Seifer finally said. "I have to get back to my job, my life." His boots clicked on the floor and Squall sensed him walk around him until the man was standing in front of him. "But I don't like the idea of leaving you here by yourself either."

Squall stared ahead – probably at Seifer's chest.

"If I leave will you honestly continue to do this? Walking through the halls? Learning Braille? You won't. No one wants to do that alone. And you won't let Laguna or anyone else help." Squall opened his mouth but Seifer interrupted him before he could speak. "Don't. I'm not finished yet. I know you don't want my help either, but you're tolerating it. That's the most you can do. I know. You won't be able to tolerate Laguna. You need time to get to the point of fending for yourself again before figuring out what you're going to do. That's what I'm offering. Time and a place where you can learn to live again. Because we both know it isn't working here."

Squall flinched when Seifer's hand fell on his shoulder and gave a squeeze. "You don't have to answer now. Just think about it okay?" Then Seifer's gentled voice firmed and the hand was gone. "I'll meet you in your room later. Remember, six doors down on the left." Then he was gone.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer looked up from the file he was reading and frowned. Squall had pushed the book away again and had crossed his arms. They were sitting in Seifer's room at the table he'd put in for this purpose.

"What now?" he asked. Squall scowled and didn't answer. Seifer sighed and looked back down at his file. "Just try again. You're making it more difficult than it should be."

"You try learning it," Squall snapped.

Seifer looked up again. Squall was looking towards him, his expression full of frustration and the tale-tell signs that he was ready to lash out at something. After a moment he closed his file and placed it to the side. "Alright. I will," he said, and pulled one of the books towards him.

Squall's expression went slack. "What?"

"I'll learn the Braille. It can't be as hard as you're making it out to be." He opened the front cover then glanced up again to gauge Squall's expression and added. "I bet I can learn it faster than you can."

Squall sat up straighter glaring towards him. "Don't fuck with me, Almasy."

"I'm dead serious." He could tell his pronouncement had startled the brunette but other than that he couldn't read the multiple emotions flickering over the other's face. "Tick tock." He said when all Squall did was continue to look towards him.

Growling, Squall pushed out of his chair and stood. Grabbing the book in front of him and sending a furious glare towards Seifer, he slammed the chair under the desk and moving to the wall, stalked away to the other side of the room. Seifer watched the brunette huddle into a corner and after a second of grinding his teeth together, open the book again.

Smirking, Seifer turned back to the book in front of himself.

Squall didn't like to lose. It was his big weakness. Seifer had used it against him for years and it looked like it still worked. Only now he had to deliver too. He turned to the forward to see if there were any instructions. How were you even suppose to go about starting?

It didn't take long before he saw why Squall was so frustrated. The book explained things like cells and areas and dots and gave you a chart for the alphabet. The book even had a glossary with Braille abbreviations – instead of 'but', there was just the letter 'b'. It was certainly interesting from his point of view but then he could see it all being explained next to the Braille explanation. The books assumed that the reader already had a grasp on the technique and pushed you right into practicing on long stories. And the stories weren't even that interesting.

"Let me see that book," he said, closing his own and getting up to walk over to Squall.

The brunette looked up from where he was sitting. The book was open in his lap but his fingers were firmly locked under his arms. Seifer stooped and grabbed the book from his lap and flipped through it. It was the same.

"Damn," he muttered. "I take it back. This isn't going to work."

"Backing out already?" Squall asked, accusation entering his voice.

"No," Seifer replied and went to rummage in his file bag for index cards. "Come sit down. Let's try something else."

"Let's not,"

"Just get over here," he snapped, sitting and uncapping his pen.

Squall growled something under his breath but complied.

It didn't take long for Seifer to copy the patterns of each letter onto a card, pushing down hard enough to leave an imprint as well. He put the letter they represented in the corner for his own benefit and then pushed one of them over the table to Squall.

"Tell me what letter this is." Squall furrowed his brows and Seifer belatedly realized he might not have followed what had just occurred. "I made cards for each letter of the alphabet. I just put one in front of you. Tell me what letter it is."

Wariness replaced confusion. "Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Why are you doing this? Give me a serious answer."

Seifer sat back, frowning. "What do you mean?"

Squall did the opposite and leaned forward. "The phone, the hallways and stairs, the organizing, _this_. Why are you doing it?"

"Because someone has to do it."

Squall shook his head. "No. They don't. But you are."

Seifer scowled. "It needs to be done. People can't just expect you to pick it all up in a week and go on like nothing happened. You're a fucking person. You're not invincible."

Squall sat back looking, of all things, angry. "And?"

"And what?" Seifer growled. This was getting too close to feelings best left unsaid.

Squall was silent for a while before shifting. "You want me to live with you in Deling for a few weeks." So this was what it was about. "You said it's for my benefit," Squall continued. "But that's not true."

"Haven't you heard of people being nice because they want to be?" Seifer asked.

Squall ignored him. "Every action has a result. Whether it's social, material, or mental, the person doing the giving is always receiving something. What are you receiving?"

"What do you think I'm receiving?"

Squall blew out an agitated breath but answered. "Power, interest on a debt, redemption. I don't fucking know. That's why I'm asking."

Seifer couldn't help but chuckle. The brunette was getting riled up again. "I'm not looking to gain power over you or expecting you to try to pay me back later. Who do you take me for?"

"So then _why_?"

Obviously it was important to Squall that he knew. It fit the pattern. Seifer had noticed that since coming to Esthar Squall was always looking to understand everything about any situation. It hadn't immediately made sense since before he'd been one to figure things out on his own. But the brunette couldn't read people's expressions and body language anymore. Was he lacking information then? Seifer had never thought that sight was so detrimental to understanding a situation, but the evidence was right in front of him.

But he didn't know how to explain this situation. He didn't know if he'd want to even if he could. "I don't know," he finally replied.

"Yes you do."

Seifer scowled at the brunette across from him. "I'll answer your question if you answer mine."

That made Squall pause. Seifer thought he might refuse but after a moment he drew in a breath and nodded. "Okay."

"Knock, knock!" Laguna's voice interrupted suddenly, followed by two real knocks on the door. Squall sat back, an unreadable expression crossing his face. Relief or regret?

Sighing, Seifer got up and answered the door.

The president held up a box of pizza. "I've brought food and mail. Is Squall here?"

"Yes. Come in."

Laguna handed the package to Seifer and went to place the food on the table, asking how Squall was. Seifer closed the door and opened the mailing package.

"It's your watch," he announced to Squall, heading back over. He sat and leaned forward to fit the watch on the brunette's wrist. Squall suffered the exchange in silence and then touched it hesitantly when Seifer had retracted his hands. "Hold on, let me get the handbook out."

Laguna and Seifer spent ten minutes trying to figure out which raised pattern meant what and trying to relay it to Squall before the smell of the pizza got the better of them and they dug in.

Seifer watched Squall eat, curious. "What if you bite your fingers by accident?"

Squall frowned over the pizza towards him. "I won't"

"What if you're eating with a fork?"

Squall set the pizza down. "I still know where my mouth is."

"But you don't know what you're eating."

Squall was looking more and more uncomfortable with the whole topic. "Not always."

"What about smell? Can you figure out what you're eating that way?"

"I would think so," Laguna said when Squall didn't answer immediately.

Seifer frowned in concern. "Did you know this was pizza before we mentioned it?"

Squall shook his head. Seifer shared a glance with Laguna. That was sort of frightening. Squall picked his piece of pizza back up. "It's fine," he muttered.

Seifer decided to change the subject before Laguna's look of pity became any more awful.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Irvine looked down at the array of news clippings on the coffee table before him and frowned. It had been everything he could find this last week. There was nothing as incriminating as the first photo he'd seen in Quistis's office. There was one of Squall and Seifer standing in another part of the garden by some steps. Squall looked cross. Seifer was talking. Another one was through a window near the front of the palace into the lobby. It wasn't a great photo because it was through glass but he could see Squall at the top of the stairs and Seifer at the bottom. The others were of similar manners.

He'd also laid out the few articles that had been written on the topic. He picked up the print out of the one he'd found online from a small Deling City magazine. It was the only one where the writer had broken the norm and criticized the Commander rather than expressed pity for his predicament.

…_the two war figureheads, rivals in school, have seemingly had no contact after the war trials. After the Balamb Commander's blindness however, they have been seen together multiple times in and around the Estharian Palace. Why would the two suddenly be inseparable? We should not forget that the Commander and Sorceress Heartily parted ways not long before the Commander's recent mission. What's to have stopped the Commander and Mr. Almasy from meeting outside of the public eye? Affairs are common in young people, and although an affair between men is unnatural and unmoral at best, it can be found in young men raised in militaries. It would have resulted in either Sorceress Heartily finding out or the Commander admitting to his faults. Either way, society's storybook romance came to an end and with the Sorceress out of the way the Ex-Knight stepped in. Is the war's traitor taking advantage of the Commander's situation or is this a consensual agreement to continue wrongful acts?..._

The piece hadn't even made it to the magazine's publication, as controversial as it was. But a few citizens had gotten a hold of it and posted it online. It had had 7,683 views the last time he'd checked. There had been a few critic blogs at the bottom varying from those who were bitching the writer out for his accusations and figuratively burning him at the stake to those who praised him for bringing the point up.

There had always been people who had not respected Squall. And Balamb for that matter. There always would be. He just hadn't realized how many people there were who not only didn't respect the Commander, but didn't like him. After reading the piece he had searched the internet further and had come to realize that there were opinions that Squall was too young to be in his position, that he had gained it by unconventional means. There were questions as to how exactly he'd became the 'war hero', as no one knew exactly what had happened in Time Compression. Some people had "heard" that while attending military school he had been a trouble maker and an introvert and questioned his leadership skills. It went on and on, and it made Irvine sick.

The world was judgmental to a degree that people didn't need or want to look at all the facts before making assumptions. Irvine concurred silently that a person couldn't interact socially without a little judgment, but it didn't seem like people were judging objectively anymore. They were fitting their standards and morals to everyone else and when that person didn't meet those expectations, all hell broke loose and accusations were made.

Irvine also concurred that he had judged both Squall and Seifer himself. Seifer, because he had never liked the man, and Squall because he'd attempted to fit his own mold on the brunette. He'd possessed an image of his friend, and had kept it throughout the last two years happily. Then that image had wavered after Squall had become blind and had accepted his naïve interest. And lastly it had shattered when he'd come against the possibility of Squall and Seifer being together.

Now he had to discover the real image.

He glanced sideways guiltily at the box he'd stolen from Squall's empty room; it was the box of things Quistis had packed from the office. It hadn't taken him long to find the picture of Seifer Almasy in one of the folders.

It was obvious that something had happened. He had the material evidence of the photo, and the social evidence of Squall's reactions. He had the evidence of Squall wanting to lose a memory, although he wasn't sure what category that should be under. He'd also catalogued Seifer's haggard appearance when he'd arrived. It could have been the result of something unrelated but for the sake of his argument he was counting it. There was also Laguna's and Seifer's familiarity, although that may be only tentatively connected. And the fact that Laguna had called and informed them that Squall was doing better this second week. The news pictures pointed to that as well. Squall was standing, moving, interacting. It was more than he had done in Balamb.

Now Irvine had to figure out how to connect it all.

Something had happened between the two of them. That was a fact he couldn't ignore. But when had it happened? Before the war? That seemed the most plausible explanation to him. Only it didn't explain why Squall chose to lose a memory later on. But then, they didn't know of the reaction to using GFs until during the war. And he wouldn't have had the compatibility with a GF or the resources to do it until after the war.

Irvine sighed and sat back into the couch cushions.

What would Squall want to forget? He knew whatever it had been, it had caused Rinoa and the brunette to break up. He'd already concluded that Seifer was involved. Had there really _been_ an affair? No, Seifer had said that he hadn't seen Squall since the war trials, and Irvine believed him. The emotion in the statement could not have been forced. So it had to have been before the trails. During the war?

He rubbed his chin and tried to count the times Squall had gone off on his own. D-District prison? Good god, he didn't want to think of that possibility. It had been clear Squall had been interrogated and tortured. Besides Squall had said that Seifer hadn't hurt him… Unless Squall had a skewed idea of what had happened. Irvine shuddered and his finger twitched on an invisible trigger.

_Fuck. Don't think about it._

What else. The time Squall had walked the railroad almost to the Great Salt Lake before they had caught up. And Time Compression. He frowned again. Squall hadn't come out when the rest of them had. And Seifer had come out late too – although why he was there in the first place was a mystery. There had been a twenty four hour span.

What had happened after Squall had come out? It had come out that Laguna was Squall's biological father and Squall had gone on a month leave to visit and reconcile with the Estharian president.

Laguna and Seifer knew each other. Maybe it had happened then. But he'd gone and visited Squall in Esthar twice that month and Seifer hadn't been there.

It fit, but it didn't. Damn.

He stood up and started pacing, trying to come up with any other scenarios.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

AN: Three months. Ouch. I'll try to do better next time. If you haven't heard it is my goal to finish this story this year. I'm back in school now and my life is suddenly much more structured and I must be crazy because when I have structure I can focus much better on getting project s done. And I have such a great story coming for you after this one. I hope you stick with me. If you think I'm taking too long on the next chapter, please give me a nudge. If I try I know I can put in writing time every week.

I have an outline for chapter nine and should have time later today to start pouring out ideas.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It is currently un-betaed because I was so excited to get it out to you guys but I proofread it five or six times in an attempt to fix any mistakes. And since I absolutely love reviews, if you like the story, stop by and let me know. Each one tells me I'm not crazy and this really is a success.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

_Squall downed the alcohol in a gulp and then set the cup down precariously on the table._

"_Woah, slow down buddy," Irvine said, laughing next to him. He couldn't talk; he'd drunk twice as much as Squall had. Though after Time Compression, Squall didn't begrudge any of his companions a little over-indulgence. The five of them had all been back for a little over three days and had been bombarded with questions and conferences since then. _

_Rinoa was talking to Quistis on his other side but occasionally she turned and smiled at him. He'd pretended not to notice the first few times. _

_They were all sitting at a table at the front of the ballroom while people from all over the world chatted and danced and laughed. The noise had long ago become an undiluted roar to his numbed ears. He didn't recognize the majority of the room, though he could name a few politicians from the World Council. Occasionally they looked up at him and his companions or glanced at each other from across the room but mostly they kept to themselves._

_Seeing blonde hair in the corner of his eye he jerked his head sideways. Not Seifer; just some SeeD. He grabbed another drink from a passing waiter and then drowned it. _

"_Seeerissly," Irvine chuckled, nudging his shoulder. "You mussst be triiing to get drunk."_

"_You okay," Rinoa suddenly said on his right. She'd turned and was looking at him worriedly. _

"_I'm fine," he murmured running his tongue over his teeth. _

"_You sure?" she asked. "I've never seen you drink this much."_

_She'd never seen him drink. The only one who had was … Seifer. He glanced at her. "Just celebrating," he said._

_She gave him a hard eye and leaned closer so that no one would overhear. "It's about yesterday right?" she asked. He could smell her perfume when she leaned that close. "You still won't tell me what happened in there?"_

_He felt his fingers twitch and clasped them together under the table cloth. "I don't remember."_

_She gave him a worried frown but didn't press and he looked away, pretending to watch the dancing. He wondered if she was going to demand that he dance again. He could feel the alcohol working, sharpening everything in front of him but blurring those far away, making his skin flush. _

_It wasn't long before a Deling politician walked up and bowed. "My congratulations on your achievement," he said and then turned his eyes to Squall. "Really. You are the world's heroes."_

_Annoyance flashed through Squall as the man smiled and turned away. Hero? Who was the man kidding? He was no hero. He hadn't fought Ultimecia to become a hero. He hadn't even fought her because it was the right thing to do. He'd only been trying to survive. Why couldn't they understand that? Even Cid had come and congratulated them, called them heroes, and he had been the one to drop the responsibility on their shoulders. Squall had wanted to sneer but after a nudge from Rinoa, he'd been polite and only nodded. _

"_Did you hear? We're heroes!" Selphie squealed from Irvine's other side as Squall stole his vodka and gulped it down. "Isn't it exciting? Seventeen and war heroes."_

_Squall scowled as Irvine took his empty glass back and pouted. Seventeen was too young to be war heroes; too young to have killed men. He glanced sideways at Rinoa. She wasn't frowning but she wasn't smiling either. Seifer wouldn't smile either._

_Flushing, he looked back into the crowd. God why did he have to keep thinking about the blonde?_

_He knew the answer; because of what he had hallucinated; what he had pictured them doing. Under the table he ran a hand along his thigh. Did it mean that he wanted that to happen? Was it a fantasy or just some sick psychological break? He clenched his hand. He'd never felt like that before but now that he had pictured it he couldn't get it out of his mind. _

_He wasn't gay. Was he? _

_He shifted and glanced sideways at Rinoa. They were expected to get together. No one was hiding that hope. He'd thought maybe he could; after space. It hadn't been that hard to push himself into action for her benefit when she had been about to die. Afterwards it just seemed like a given that he was supposed to follow it up. But now… _

_Rinoa had said it had only been twenty four hours but it had felt like days in that desert before he'd woken up in Rinoa's arms and not Seifer's. He wasn't sure if that was because it really had been days or if it had just felt like that since there had been no way to tell the time. _

_He wondered where Seifer was now. Laguna Loire had called supposedly while he'd been sleeping off the Compression effects to inform Balamb that Seifer had come out too, in Esthar. Why Esthar? Why not here? If he could at least see the man maybe he could pinpoint whether these feelings were real or not. He searched the room until he found the Estharian president talking with Kiros and Ward. Would it be too suspicious if he asked the man what had happened to Seifer after he'd come out of Time Compression? He was just wondering, after all. _

_He watched Laguna as Irvine grabbed both of them another drink. The Estharian president was looking guilty from whatever Kiros was saying. Kiros gestured vaguely in his direction and Squall looked behind himself. There was only a wall. Must be about him then. Laguna glanced towards him next and must have realized Squall was paying attention because he started and ushered the other two further away glancing over his shoulder once._

_When the three of them disappeared around a convenient corner, Squall frowned. He remembered Kiros mentioning that he looked like his mother. He and Laguna had known Raine when they had been in Winhill, but how well did they know each other? He'd never had time to think about it before. _

_Rinoa was staring at him. "What?" he asked, turning towards her and placing a hand on the table when the room spun. _

_Woah _

"_Have you figured it out yet?" the raven haired Sorceress asked. _

"_What?"_

_Rinoa smiled. "Never mind."_

"_Figured what out?" Was she talking about Laguna?_

_Rinoa shook her head. "It's something you need to hear from him, not me."_

"_Who? What are you talking about?" Still she didn't say. "Tell me," he demanded, tired of waiting._

_Rinoa broke down and started giggling. "Who knew you'd be a talkative drunk."_

"_Talkative?" Squall frowned slightly. He wasn't drunk. Irvine was drunk. The idiot was singing songs. He was just tipsy, just enjoying a few drinks to relax. If everyone else could do it, he could to._

_Rinoa laughed_

_Shit had he said that out loud? _

"_Yes," she replied. "Wow, you really have drunk a lot. What would you say if I asked you to dance?"_

"_Don't dance."_

"_You did fine last time."_

"_I was so bad you left me on the dance floor alone."_

_Rinoa grimaced guiltily. "Sorry. It wasn't that you were a bad dancer though." _

"_No dancing," he said, looking for another drink. The glasses in front of him were empty. So was the seat next to him. Where had Irvine gone? He looked around and spotted the other brunette and Selphie swing-dancing on the floor. _

_Suddenly he didn't want to sit anymore. Looking around he caught sight of the balcony off to the side and empty. Perfect. He pushed his chair away from the table and stood. He was vaguely aware of Rinoa following him as he moved through the crowd towards the solitary spot but he ignored her. Finally he made it through the open doors. The wind felt good on his flushed skin. Sighing, he leaned his elbows on the railing and looked down at the ocean below them. Rinoa leaned next to him._

"_What?" he asked. _

"_Just making sure you don't fall over the railing."_

"_I'm not that drunk," he said a little incredulously and she smiled. _

"_Look," she said, pointing. He looked up and saw the tail of the shooting star disappear. Rinoa smiled at him. "Just like last time," she said happily. _

_He felt himself smiling. He was glad she was happy. She deserved to be happy. Irvine had told him that it was him who made her happy. Was that true? Rinoa was a sorceress now. She needed someone to be there to help her stay sane with all the pressure of those powers' expectations. So she had been told in Esthar before everyone had looked towards him under their lashes. _

_Impulsively he leaned forward and kissed her. Her lips softened immediately and she leaned into it. Soft. They were too soft. He pulled back a little, wondering if she would initiate another kiss. She didn't and he straightened._

_Rinoa's breath hitched slightly but her eyes were calm. "Why don't we go to your dorm room?" After a second's pause he nodded. She took his hand, intertwining their fingers deliberately and led him back into the ballroom, working her way through the crowds. Squall watched as people noticed their joined hands and smiled. Person after person smiled; joyous smiles, congratulatory smiles. _

"_Can we talk Commander Leonhart?" Laguna's voice said suddenly from behind him._

_Squall turned and wobbled a little as the room spun. Laguna had a worried expression on his face. Kiros and Ward were hovering behind him. Squall slipped his hand away from Rinoa's trying to decipher the feeling of relief surging through him. He'd told her yes. Didn't he want to go? He frowned and vowed not to drink so much again. It was messing with his head._

"_Somewhere private?" Laguna asked, glancing around. _

_Was it about what he had been looking guilty about earlier? Squall opened his mouth but shut it when Rinoa stepped up next to him and interrupted. "Why don't the two of you get together tomorrow afternoon," she suggested. "When Squall isn't as inebriated? I'm not sure he'll remember what you say if you tell him tonight."_

"_m' fine," he said as she intertwined their hands again._

_Laguna stopped looking around and looked at him intently for a moment before smiling slightly. "Ah. Well then, how about over brunch?"_

"_Okay," he said before Rinoa could. _

_It was only when he and Rinoa were walking through the halls that he realized he'd agreed to have brunch with the president of Esthar. "What would the president want to talk to me about? If it's more shit about how we're all heroes then—" He stopped when Rinoa hid a chuckle. "I get the feeling that you know more than I do," he accused. _

_She shook her head and didn't answer. He let it go; instead focusing on how the walls were sliding away. He felt like he was floating. It wasn't a good feeling; he wanted to be grounded. Grounded was good. _

_When they arrived at his door he paused. Oh, right. Rinoa's hand was in his pocket. Then she was opening the door with his keycard and pulling him into the dark room. _

"_Kiss me?" she asked as the door closed. He obliged as her fingers worked on his jacket zipper. Blindly they made their way to the bed where they collapsed shirtless. _

"_You're a really good kisser," Rinoa murmured. Squall hid his flinch. Was Rinoa his first kiss if Seifer had just been a hallucination? Did it count if it was in his head? Somehow he figured Rinoa wouldn't have said that if he hadn't thought he was kissing someone else just two days ago. "That's not a bad thing," Rinoa told him, raising her hands and running them along his back. They ran up and down. There… the fingers were supposed to dig in there. They didn't, only running softly over his skin's surface. _

_Trying to shake the pre-expectations out of his head he leaned down and kissed her again. It didn't work. He wanted her to push back, not just lie underneath him. He wanted her to push him back and fight for dominance. When he realized what he was picturing, he grimaced in panic and leaned away, suddenly feeling very sober. _

"_Shhh… It's okay," Rinoa murmured, her hands stilling on his back. Guilt crashed through him. They were silent for a little bit before Rinoa spoke. "This isn't what you want, is it?"_

_Squall exhaled and looked down at the raven-haired Sorceress. "It's what everyone expects." _

'_So," she replied, furrowing her brows at him. "Forget what they want? What do _you_ want?"_

_Squall shifted away to the side and collapsed down on the mattress next to her, then turned to look at the ceiling. "I don't know."_

_Rinoa shifted too, turning and putting her head in her hand, looking at him. Her bra was a lacy black. "Okay. But you don't want this."_

_Squall glanced back over at her. "I'm sorry."_

_She shook her head. "There's nothing to be sorry about. I care about you Squall, but I'd rather you do what you want, not what other's want you to do." _

"_You've grown up a lot," he said, thinking back to how different she had been at the Sorceress Parade in Deling, clinging to him and begging him not to leave her. _

"_What's that supposed to mean," Rinoa demanded, then laughed. It died away quickly. "We all did. We had to." _

"_Don't talk about it," he said, frowning. _

"_Okay," she murmured, and lay down. _

_Squall was silent for a long time. "Rin?"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_Nothing. Never mind."_

_The woman shifted and a hand brushed his arm. "Stop thinking and go to sleep," she whispered. "We'll deal with everything tomorrow."_

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_Squall winced as the door shut, the noise roaring in his ears. He rubbed two fingers against his forehead. Why the hell had he drunk so much alcohol the night before? _

"_Ah, the good old hangovers," Kiros said from in front of him. Squall dropped his hand and straightened. The taller man led him further into the room where Laguna Loire had risen from his chair with a forced smile on his face. What was he so unhappy about? It had been his idea. Ward was standing near the window, silent as always._

"_Good morning," the president said. "Coffee?"_

"_No thank you," Squall murmured, walking to the couch Kiros was gesturing to. He felt extremely uncomfortable; the three of them were presiding over the room like someone had died. He sat down gingerly on the edge of the couch and placed his hands on his knees, fighting the urge to reach up cover his eyes from the room's bright lights. _

_The president gestured to the fruit dish between them on the coffee table. "Help yourself."_

_Squall nodded but didn't move. "President Loire-"_

"_Laguna," the president interrupted. "Call me Laguna."_

_Squall frowned. "Laguna. You seemed insistent that we talked last night. If this is about the communication between Esthar and-"_

"_No, that's not it." Squall gritted his teeth briefly at the second interruption and then waited. "It's…" The president looked up at Kiros who was standing at the end of the couch he was sitting on. His aide nodded in encouragement. Squall reached forward and took the cup of coffee sitting near the fruit. If the man was going to be slow about it he might as well see if the coffee would help his headache. He drank as Loire rubbed his face with both hands and took a deep breath before focusing on him. "Ellone showed you some of my memories," the president finally stated. "So you know that I knew your mother." He paused, and then exhaled in one big whoosh before leaning forward. "Squall. I think… I think I might be your father."_

_The cup he'd been holding shattered on the tile and coffee surged across the linoleum. He bolted to his feet and stepped back away from the mess. He couldn't raise his eyes to meet Laguna's._

_Fuck_

…_Fuck._

_He frantically searched his memories but he didn't even have any memories of his mother. All he had were Laguna Lorie's memories of his time in Winhill that Ellone had made him watch. He shifted through them but he'd only gotten bits and pieces. How long had Loire stayed with his mother after that last memory he'd seen? _

Squall, I think…

_He cut his eyes up to Laguna who was looking frightened. "You think?" he demanded. _

"_Well…" Laguna glanced around the room as if looking for the answers himself. "You were born seven months after I left Raine to find Ellone. I talked to an acquaintance in Winhill and he said that Raine wasn't with anyone else after I left so…" He turned to Squall, still standing next to the couch, with pleading eyes. "I'm so sorry, Squall. If I had known…"_

_What? He'd have come back? Squall looked down at the floor. If Laguna was right then he had a father. The idea was foreign. He had stopped wanting a father when he'd turned five and been transferred to Balamb Garden. To learn that he really did have one was… He didn't know. Fuck, how was he supposed to react? "It could just be a coincidence," he finally said._

"_No," Kiros replied. "Look." He pointed to the mirror on the wall near the door. Squall looked up and saw his reflection, looking skittish and tense. He scowled and tried to school his expression into something less showing. Then Kiros pushed Laguna next to him and he got a look at the man's face next to his. _

_He didn't need to look for very long. He jerked his eyes away and crossed his arms, unconsciously huddling into them. Was this what Rinoa had been laughing about last night? When he was next to the man it was obvious. Had everyone but him already figured it out? _

"_Squall?" Laguna said and placed a hand on his shoulder. Squall recoiled away, twisting his shoulder and taking a step away. _

This _man was his father? Feeling overwhelmed he did what he had been trained to do and catalogued his emotions: incredulity, confusion, and… hurt? Giving it up, he focused on the uncomfortable silence coating the room. He was supposed to say something._

"_What do you want?" he directed the question at Laguna, turning and raising his eyes briefly to meet brown before focusing on the wall behind the man. _

"_Want?" Laguna repeated. "Squall I don't want anything." Squall focused on him again and Laguna gave him a hopeful smile. "You're an adult. If you'll let me, I'd like to make up for my absence. If you don't…" _

"_I… I have to go," he mumbled. He was at a loss. He needed to think it all out before he'd know how to react._

"_Okay," Laguna said, like he'd expected something like that. Squall didn't look at any of the men as he walked to the door. "Squall?" Laguna called as he opened it and stepped over the threshold. He paused. "You're welcome to come to the Estharian Palace anytime you want." He nodded in acknowledgement and shut the door. Purposefully not thinking anything about it all he shoved his hands in his pockets and headed for the cafeteria. They'd have something for his head there. _

_He hadn't gone far when he heard a whistle. He glanced towards the sound wondering who the hell would be whistling at him and missed a step. Catching himself he stopped and turned towards the hallway the blonde had disappeared around._

_Glancing around the hallway and seeing it empty, he pulled his hands free from his pockets and headed for the side hallway. "Almasy?" he said. He'd barely turned the corner before he'd been shoved against the wall and Seifer's mouth was on his. It was so reminiscent of his hallucination that he kissed back instinctively, fisting his hand in Seifer's shirt and pushing back, trying to deepen the kiss. He grunted when Seifer pushed him back into the wall, crowding him into it. _

_When the blonde pushed a thigh between his legs he gasped and broke away, shoving at the blonde's broad chest. "Seifer, what are you doing."_

"_What does it look like?" Seifer growled and tried to lean in again. Squall pushed him back._

"_Wha -"_

"_Don't you remember Time Compression?" Seifer's question cut through him and he froze. Seifer leaned back a little. "You do, don't you?"_

_Squall mind was blank. "That was…"_

"_What? A dream? Not unless we both had the same one." Seifer gripped his wrists and moved them off his chest and against the wall so that he could lean in again. What was Seifer saying? That it was real? He must have made a noise because Seifer pulled back again and studied him. "What is it?" he asked. _

"_If it was real then…"_

_Seifer started laughing; low chuckles. "Poor Squally. You must have been very confused."_

_Squall scowled and tried to move his hands so he could push the man away but Seifer held them against the wall tightly. Twisting he glared up at the blonde. "Don't call me that you asshole."_

_Seifer just bared his teeth in a smile. "It happened. I know that. Now you know that. Let's move on." He stepped closer until he was pressed against Squall and joined their lips together again with enough ferocity and hunger that Squall's mind went blank again. _

_At least until he heard a noise from the adjacent hallway. _

_Starting, he tried to pull away but Seifer had effectively pinned him against the wall. When a twist of his wrists didn't work he panicked and bit Seifer's tongue. The blonde reeled back with a curse and Squall jerked to the side and away. When no one shouted he swallowed and turned towards the open end of the hallway. There was no one there._

"_It was the fan Leonhart," Seifer said and before Squall could step away he had wrapped one arm around his waist and the other around his chest._

"_Get off," Squall hissed._

"_No. You're just being jumpy."_

"_We're in public."_

"_So it was only okay in Time Compression?" Seifer's tongue ran over his neck and he shivered. Shit, he couldn't even keep his reactions in check. "Whether or not you thought it was real or not, you liked it. Don't pretend it never happened." The hand on his abdomen shifted and he caught it in a hand._

"_Not here," he said breathlessly as Seifer sucked on his throat. _

_Seifer's breath stilled on his neck and then the blonde had stepped away. "Later then, when we're alone." _

_Squall turned. "I didn't mean it that way."_

_Seifer only smiled knowingly. "I'm at the Balamb hotel tonight. Room 5. Don't leave me waiting too long." He stepped forward and kissed Squall hard before disappearing down the hallway and through a side door. _

_Squall let out a shaky breath as he became aware of his headache again. He brought both hands up and rubbed hard at his face. What the hell was going on? First Laguna and now Seifer? _

_Time Compression really had happened. Seifer had made that clear. And Hyne, after that kiss, he was glad it had. He exhaled harshly and dropped his hands. Where had these emotions come from? He'd known Seifer his whole life, so why only now? Because Seifer had confessed feelings? He'd never thought of Seifer in that way but he'd accepted the interest readily enough. And Seifer's kiss just now, when he knew it was real, had excited him. So was he really gay? Did he prefer men? _

_He crossed his arms. Maybe it was just Seifer. Maybe it was just temporary insanity. Fuck, he didn't know. Whatever it was, he wanted to see Seifer tonight. _

_Giving up on the hangover cure he instead headed for his dorm._

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_Squall was sitting on his chair, tapping his finger and staring at nothing when someone knocked on his door. Glancing at the clock – three in the afternoon – he stood and answered it. Rinoa was on the other side, looking grim._

"_What is it?" Squall asked._

_She blew out a breath. "Bad news." He stepped back and let her into the room, closing it behind her. "How's your hangover?" she asked, turning towards him where she had stopped by his couch. "Irvine's hiding under a pillow in the dark."_

"_I'm fine," he said. "What is it?"_

_Rinoa rubbed a hand through her hair. "The World Council is going to offer you a seat. Cid was bragging about it while I was talking to Edea. Only he said they were excited about it because you would be a go between for them and me, the Sorceress."_

"_A seat on the World Council?" he repeated dumbly. A seat on the World Council was considered one of the highest positions a man could get to. He'd always secretly wanted to be on the council. It was a place where he would be able to make a difference. He'd have more power than ever to change how the world worked. Was it possible?_

"_Squall listen," Rinoa said, interrupting his thoughts. "I don't think they will give you the position if think the two of us aren't together."_

_That made sense. They'd only offer a position to someone his age if they figured they could use him to control the sorceress. Which meant the only way he'd get the position is if they thought he and Rinoa were in a relationship. Which they hadn't decided on yet._

_He glanced at Rinoa and then looked away and thought of Seifer, expecting him later that night. _

"_I've guessed that this is important to you," Rinoa spoke up. She paused before speaking again as if picking her words carefully. "And if you're willing to try a relationship, I'm willing as well."_

_The thought of being with Rinoa like that was wrong after knowing that it really had happened with Seifer. He hadn't even been able to do more than kiss her the night before, and that had been when he had thought Seifer had only been a hallucination. He wasn't sure he could even do that right now. _

"_Did Cid say when they were planning on giving me the offer?"_

_Rinoa shook her head. "But my guess is that they will wait a month or so before they do so things can settle down. And with offers like that you don't have to give an answer right away."_

_He had a little time then. Slowly a plan began to form. "Laguna said he was my father," he admitted after a moment. Rinoa looked a little confused by the subject change but she smiled. "You knew, didn't you?" _

"_It was kind of hard not to know when the two of you were near each other. The resemblance is uncanny."_

"_Yea," he muttered, frowning, then continued. "I think it would be in my interest to take a few weeks to visit Esthar." He'd tell Seifer to go to Esthar and they could work out whatever it was that had suddenly popped between them. He could get it out of his system and then get back to normal. Resisting the emotions was pointless as the scene in the hallway had shown him, but if he faced it head on the newness of it would wear off. He was certain of it. This was just lust. Nothing more._

"_That's a great idea," Rinoa said. She looked relieved. _

"_We'll figure it all out after that."_

_That gave him a few weeks to figure out what he was going to do. _

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_Seifer opened the door after his second knock. "There you are," the blonde said good-naturally, stepping back and ushering him in. Squall stepped through hesitantly, looking around. The room was bare except for a duffel bag near the bed. _

"_So you came out of Compression in Esthar?" he asked, stopping halfway in and crossing his arms. He felt extremely nervous and he hated the feeling._

_Seifer shut the door. "Squall making small talk? Something must be up." _

_Squall scowled. "I'm going to Esthar for a month," he said. He'd called Laguna about it earlier that day. The man had been ecstatic and Squall had felt a little guilty about using him and vowed to spend a little of that time in the company of the president himself. It was the least he could do for using him to meet in secret with the blonde. _

"_What do you know? I'm staying with the president right now believe it or not."_

_Squall turned and faced Seifer in shock. "What? Really?"_

_Seifer nodded and eyed him. "So? Why did you want to tell me about you being in Esthar?" _

_Squall uncrossed his arms. If Seifer was staying at the palace already that made this easier than he had anticipated it being. Even so, he wasn't sure how to go about telling Seifer his plan. _

_Seifer left his spot by the door and started towards him at a leisurely pace. He swallowed when the blonde stopped in front of him. He wondered if Seifer would kiss him. Seifer smiled like he knew what Squall was thinking and leaned forward. And stopped when his lips were inches away._

_Scowling, Squall tried to close the distance but Seifer pulled away from him, smirking. Snarling silently, Squall reached out and gripped Seifer's hair, pulling on it. Seifer winced and allowed his head to be lowered until Squall could reach his lips. The blonde's hands circled his back and pulled them together. _

_It was Seifer who pulled back this time. "So?"_

"_What?"_

"_Esthar," Seifer reminded. _

_Squall loosened his fingers in Seifer's hair. What had he wanted to say? After a second it came back to him. "Stay in Esthar with me for a month. I can figure out… this."_

"_You mean this?" Seifer asked, rubbing a finger over Squall's nipple. Squall gasped and arched away from the touch as Seifer chuckled. _

"_Don't… don't do that."_

"_Why not? The only way to figure it out is to get the full tutorial," the blonde reasoned, kissing him. _

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

AN: Yay! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for staying with the story through these past years. And for any new reader's, thanks for dropping by :)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

"Take me to the gardens."

Seifer looked up at the demand and raised an eyebrow. Squall had his Gunblade case in hand and was standing near the door, shifting from foot to foot impatiently. The man hadn't even said 'please'. Seifer slouched further into the armchair and turned back to the watch he was fiddling with. "You could find it yourself you know. You could take that cane." Squall pretended not to hear him and waited. After a moment, Seifer frowned as he thought the demand over and glanced up again. "Why?"

"It's none of your business. Once I'm there you can leave me alone." The brunette hefted his Gunblade case closer to himself before saying "I'll find my way back." It wasn't a very convincing comment, not with the way he had hesitated before saying it. Obviously the smaller man wanted to be in the gardens alone with his Gunblade but didn't think he'd be able to find his way down there. That was a situation waiting to spell disaster.

"Sorry but there's not a chance in _hell _that I'm leaving you alone with that blade." That ugly scratch had faded slightly but if Seifer looked he knew he would find the discolored skin marking where it had been.

Squall scowled and his free hand clenched on empty air. "I'm not suicidal."

"I'm glad."

"Fuck off," Squall growled.

Seifer chuckled. "Alright." He fiddled with the watch some more, glancing at the manual on his lap a few times. He thought he was beginning to understand which patterns meant which. It was sort of neat the way it worked. The only problem had been trying to translate the meanings to Squall. He looked up once to see Squall angrily shifting about, no doubt trying to decide what to do now that Seifer hadn't responded to the demand.

Seifer watched a hand rise towards the door as if reaching for the doorknob before drawing back again. The path from this wing to the gardens had been the hardest by far for Squall to attempt to memorize. There were too many turns and doors and wide open spaces. And then there were the gardens; they were a trip-up waiting to happen. He waited.

It took a while but finally Squall turned his head to look towards him again. "_Will_ you show me to the gardens?"

"Take the cane."

Annoyance flashed briefly before Squall pulled it back. "It will be easier if you just show me."

"I'm busy," Seifer replied.

That cut. He could see it in the sudden hunching of Squall's shoulders. The brunette didn't like asking for help. It was burned into him, molded from his childhood experiences. Seifer fancied he knew more than anyone how much Squall disliked intruding on anyone. And what a wonderful combination that had turned out to be next to Squall actually needing the help now. "Why do you want to go to the gardens with your Gunblade?"

Squall's hand clenched and unclenched on the Gunblade case but he did answer, if grudgingly. "I'd like to do some training exercises." The tense stance showed that he thought Seifer was going to tell him he was an idiot. Which meant that he had tried to do this before and had had a similar reaction.

Perhaps if it had been anyone else, Seifer _would_ have said that they were crazy.

He closed the watch manual and laid it and the watch on the end-table off to the side. "Alright." Squall didn't reply but Seifer could practically see the relief washing off him. He tugged his boots on, grabbed the cane and a file to keep himself occupied and moved past Squall to open the door. He turned back before he walked over the threshold. "I'll be watching your every move. So don't even think about having an _accident_."

Squall scowled at him as they maneuvered out the door. By this point, Seifer was pretty sure that Squall wouldn't try to kill himself. Why wait until now when the Gunbalde had been in the room this whole time. He didn't want to risk being wrong however; Squall was too unpredictable.

He walked beside the brunette and told him when there was a turn or door. He could still see the frightening hesitancy in Squall's steps but the want to move about and do something was an encouraging sign. He should have guessed that the first thing Squall would come up with to do was practice with the Gunblade, though. The ex-commander was a training addict and apparently being blind had not changed that at all.

Or maybe it was just the familiarity of the blade?

Whatever it was, if it got Squall moving again Seifer was more than willing to oblige.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer sat with his back against a tree and watched Squall go through the stances. They were nothing to what they'd once been, uncoordinated shuffles to what had once been a dance, but that Squall was out here with the blade in the first place was all that mattered.

Catching himself staring, he glanced away.

He wasn't really worried, he told himself. He knew Squall wouldn't cut himself practicing. The blade was an extension of the arm; you didn't have to see to swing it. Squall would be as aware of the blade as he was of his own body. The two would never meet unless he wanted it so.

He glanced back to the brunette. The surrounding area however was another matter. He'd picked a wide open space but even so, the brunette was veering off to the right.

"You're moving to the right," he announced.

Squall overextended himself and stumbled. Streaking his head towards Seifer he bared his teeth. "Leave me alone." He hadn't been pleased when Seifer had decided to stay.

"Move back to the center or you'll run into the trees."

Squall's expression twisted into anger but he moved a few steps back to the left. He stood silent for a moment but when Seifer didn't say anything else he hefted his Gunblade up again and swung it in a measured movement. Seifer eyed him for a little bit longer before pulling the file from under his hip and setting it in his lap.

He had court in a week. He'd have to leave with or without Squall. It was going to be 'without', he knew. The brunette was going to refuse. It was obvious in the tense movements the brunette had exhibited when the offer had been made. Squall had decided already. Besides the insistent questions he'd brought up when Seifer had been helping him with the Braille, it hadn't been brought up since.

_Why are you doing this? What are you getting out of it?_

Seifer frowned and ran a hand through his hair idly, his folder laying forgotten in his lap, going through all that he had done since hauling Squall out of that room. He reached the same conclusion he had earlier. He wasn't doing this so that he could bed Leonhart, and he wasn't doing it out of debt. So why? He was acting like a mother hen. It was pathetic when placed next to his hard-earned reputation.

But he didn't have an answer. Frustrated at the lack of one, Seifer furrowed his brows angrily and watched Squall. The brunette was still devastating sexy; even with his hair chopped off. Two years ago that had been enough for him to want to jump the man. Now… He knew Squall intimately now, knew that he liked strawberries and cake; knew that he had a secret fear of oceans. True, some of what Squall had told him he had figured out on his own, but the fact that Squall had told him those secrets had made them valuable.

Squall wanted a small house in the mountains. He had never liked the business of running a Garden. He didn't like snakes. Messenger Girl annoyed him more than he ever let on. He hated Kramer. He liked sitting in the sun. Strawberries and cake. Oceans.

Seifer had forgotten none of it. And that was what he saw now when he looked at Squall. There was no consuming lust, just… something…

Seifer shook himself, catching the file before it fell off his lap and set it aside. Whatever. He didn't know why but it didn't matter. Didn't matter because nothing would come out of it.

Sighing, he leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes, listening to the whistling of Squall's blade through the air.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall paused, letting his Gunblade lower to rest on the ground, and strained to hear Seifer. The blonde hadn't said anything for the last ten minutes. He turned his head to the left and then the right trying to determine where the ex-knight was. There was no sound except the wind and the birds.

"Seifer?" he called softly. Had he left? A spike of panic flared through him at the thought and he strained to listen again.

Maybe the blonde was just playing a joke on him. He turned around, moving around his blade to keep centered. Which way had they come from? He turned around again to face where he had been. Which way was north? Was the palace to the north of here?

Hearing his own breathing quicken, he clenched his hand around the hilt in his hand and sucked in air before letting it go slowly. He breathed in and out again, and then tried to determine from which side the sun was shining on him. It took a few turns to figure out but he determined that it had been on his right side. He turned left, away from the sun, and faced north.

Realizing that that had gotten him nowhere, he bent his knees slightly and glanced from left to right. "Seifer?" he called a little louder this time.

There was no answer.

He put his other hand on the Gunblade he was holding as panic clawed through him, the trickle turned into a river. What should he do? He had turned too many times while working with the blade to remember which way he had come into the clearing from. Crouching, he placed a palm against the ground. His sword clattered to the dirt as he let go and pressed his other palm to it as well. "Seifer!"

He thought he heard something to his right and jerked his head that way. "Fuck," he breathed. He heard his own ragged breathing but couldn't focus on it enough to slow it down this time. He needed to move, but he was frozen. His legs refused to straighten.

Something shifted to his right again. What if it wasn't Seifer? What if it was just an animal? He groped at his left side, trying to find his weapon and winced when his fingers slid over the blade. Heat rushed to his fingers and he drew his hand back to his chest in reaction to the unexpected pain. Clenching his teeth he left the Gunblade and turned back to the right side.

There was no more noise. He curbed his urge to call for Seifer again. He was obviously gone; he would never take a joke this far. Squall let his knee touch the ground and then lowered the next until he was kneeling.

He wouldn't crawl. But he couldn't stand either. Panic kept him as close to the ground as possible. Stuck in between, he stayed frozen.

He didn't know how long he stayed there. It felt like hours but the sun against his side never moved and the temperature didn't lower. He could feel wetness running down his face but he didn't reach up to scrub it away; his hands stayed splayed on the ground to keep him anchored. If he let go, he'd become lost. He'd never find his way back and the darkness would eat him.

He pictured it nibbling on him now. There was entirely too much of it. One nibble would swallow him whole. He choked out a laugh, heard the sob in it and clamped him teeth down almost on his tongue. How long would he have to wait until someone came out and found him? Would it be the gardener in the morning? Or Laguna? The thought of Laguna finding him huddled against the ground made him take an involuntary shuffle to the right. He froze as soon as he realized he was moving and his tense muscles screamed at the abrupt movements.

What if it was Seifer, come to laugh?

No, none of that would compare to the darkness. It would eat him alive. Bending forward he cradled his head in his hands, linking them through his hair. But the darkness was below him too. It was between him and the ground. He surged away from it, back up on his knees, but it swirled around him there too. It coated the air he breathed in, settling in his lungs, in his blood.

Sobbing, he moved his knees to the right, shuffling his hands along in front. He had to get away, or it would trap him. It would pull him down and suffocate him.

He flinched back when his hand ran into something solid other than the ground. Hastily he reached out again and touched the object. It only took a second to realize it was a shoe. He reached further and fastened his hand down on an ankle.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer started awake as something clamped down on his ankle, compressing tightly. Bolting up he blinked his eyes open and then flinched backwards at the sight in front of him. Squall was kneeling before him with one hand gripping his ankle and the other curled against his chest. He saw blood curving its way down the wrist before his eyes caught on Squall's face. The grey cloudy eyes were absolutely wild and there were tears sliding down his face.

"Bastard!" Squall cried as he pushed a knee forward and reached his blooded hand out to grip Seifer's shirt.

"Squall-" He began hesitantly before the hand at his chest shoved him back into the tree he was leaning against.

"You fucking bastard!" the brunette gasped, his hand wrenching Seifer's shirt into wrinkles.

"Leonhart," Seifer said reaching up and curling a hand around Squalls. The hand spasmed. "Calm down. What's wrong?"

"Did you think it was funny?" the brunette hissed, and Seifer winced as the grip on his ankle tightened.

Seifer glanced at the clearing where Squall's gunblade was on the ground and then back to Squall's wide blind eyes. "Fuck, Squall. How did you get over here?" As Squall's expression twisted Seifer realized he knew how the brunette had crossed the distance. Shit.

Leaning forward he curled his arms around Squall's shoulders and pulled the man against his chest. The brunette fell against him, his hand pulled from Seifer's ankle. Seifer didn't know if it was comfortable, being sprawled on his hip like that, but Squall only raised his free hand and gripped Seifer's shirt next to the one already wrenched in the material. There was a sobbing rush of air before Squall's teeth clenched together with an audible snap.

"Hyne, Squall, I'm sorry." He murmured, holding the brunette tightly. He remembered his experiments of waking up and trying to find his way around his room with his eyes closed. He had never lasted more than a minute and he knew it was a hundred times worse for Squall. And that was inside a room with four walls. He'd meant to watch Squall closely and take him back to the palace at the first hint of unease. Instead he had fallen asleep and left the blind man alone with no bearings. He couldn't even imagine what Squall had just gone through. He wouldn't be surprised if Squall never left the palace after this.

His eyes caught on the Gunblade and he remembered the blood on Squall's wrist. Cocking his head, he reached up and tried to pull the bloodied hand off his shirt. The fingers wrenched tighter in response and a soft noise escaped Squall. Seifer's brows furrowed and he bit the inside of his cheek. This wasn't anything like the panic attack Squall had had before. This was worse.

"Squall? Can I see your wrist?" he tried again. The head against his chest shook once. "You're bleeding. I just need to check the cut." The brunette didn't move and Seifer decided to let it rest for a little bit. At least until Squall snapped out of whatever it was going through his mind.

It took seven minutes before the smaller man abruptly let go of his shirt and rolled away, freezing when he was facing the other way.

Seifer got to his knees and reached over the brunette to snag the bloodied hand. The hand remained lax in his hands as he turned it palm up and found the cut across Squall's fingers just above the third knuckle. The cut wasn't bleeding anymore so he put a thumb near it and gently applied pressure. The cut gaped open slightly; not too deep. It looked like Squall had just grazed the blade with his fingers.

He let go and Squall drew his hand back and curled it against his chest protectively as Seifer stood. "Stay here a moment," he said turning towards the forgotten gunblade. In an instant Squall had rolled to his back and swiped his hand out. When it connected with the blonde's ankle the fingers clamped down. Seifer had only a second to see the raw fear in Squall's expression before it shut down and the fingers loosened slightly as Squall realized what he had just done.

Swallowing at the unbridled, if brief, emotion Seifer glanced between the gunblade and Squall. "I'm just going to go get Revolver," he said in explanation. The fingers left his ankle and the brunette turned back onto his side.

Seifer made the retrieval quick. Wiping the blood from the blade on the grass he took it to the case leaning on a tree and shut it in. Squall was trembling when he returned. He reached out and took Squall's hand. The finger's immediately compressed down. "Come on."

Squall let Seifer pull him to his feet and followed behind silently as Seifer led him away by the hand. Near the doors Seifer spotted the camera man near the fence, sticking his lens through the ivy. "Get lost, asshole!" Squall started violently, pressing up against his back, and he squeezed the brunette's hand in reassurance that it wasn't him he was yelling at. The cameraman ignored his comment and the film continued to roll. Growling in annoyance he toed the door open and dragged Squall inside.

The brunette stayed on his heels all the way back to his room. He was so close that the hairs on Seifer's neck started to stand on end. Squall's fingers were gripping his in such a way that he knew he would lose feeling in that hand soon enough.

Squall was terrified.

It was enough to make Seifer's skin crawl. It was even more wrong than the site of the brunette hesitantly pacing across his own room in Balamb. Never had he seen Squall like this. Not even Ultimecia had caused such a physical reaction. He didn't look back at Squall's expression. He didn't want to see those wild eyes.

Trying not to walk too quickly, he pulled them on to Squall's room, shoved the door open and directed Squall in. He took a step back to close the door and Squall stepped with him, keeping the distance between them as minimal as possible.

He tried to flex his trapped fingers, failed, and scanned the room. The abandoned watch and manual lay on the table near the chair he'd dragged in last week; the Braille books were scattered on the table near the wall with index cards in piles and stuck between pages; the cane was leaning on the wall near the dresser. What should he do now that he'd gotten Squall here? After a moment's hesitation he moved towards the dresser and set Revolver's case against the wall near it and then scanned the room again. Finally he turned and faced Squall. Grey cloudy eyes were trained on his chest and the jaw was clenched so tight that he could see the strain of it in the brunette's neck. The eyes looked less wild but they held the glassy look of recent tears still.

Hyne, what had he done?

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Squall didn't look like he had heard.

He took Squall to the bathroom and used a cloth to wash the tear streaks from his face and the blood in hair, before leading him to the bed and sitting him down. When Squall felt the solid surface underneath him, he drew his leg up, collapsed sideways and lay down into a ball. Seifer had expected that to happen but what he hadn't expected was Squall not letting go of his hand. Seifer had to hunch slightly to accommodate as the brunette curled around it.

"Squall…"

The brunette tucked his head further down and didn't let go.

Seifer cursed himself as he unlaced Squall's boots and tugged on them, trying to pry them off one-handed. Once he'd managed that and tossed them towards the end of the bed, he crawled awkwardly over Squall until he was on the bed and then lay down with some space still between them. It left his arm stretched out uncomfortably but he figured he could wait Squall out until the man fell asleep and then detangle his hand.

He was totally unprepared when Squall tugged his arm further against him and it pulled him into the brunette. He grunted, shifted, and gave an experimental tug on his arm. That got him nowhere.

He lay still for another few minutes, feeling Squall's back rise and fall against his chest and then linked his foot around Squall's own feet and slid them down the bed until the brunette's legs were stretched out and not curled in the defensive ball. Then he retracted his foot and waited to see if Squall refused and curled back up. He didn't and Seifer breathed a little easier.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall started awake as someone knocked on the door. Immediately terror clogged his throat and he gasped out a breath. Then full awareness seeped over him and he became aware of the hand he was gripping. Seifer's. He was holding it against his chest which had pulled the man's arm over his waist and his body up against his. He could feel Seifer's chest moving rhythmically against his back as the man breathed in and out and the slight whisper of breath against his hair.

The knock came again. Laguna. No one else ever came by except Seifer and Seifer was already there. He made himself loosen the grip he had on the blonde's hand, thinking to sit up, but as he started to pull his hand free the fear came again, slamming down on him like a wall. His fingers clamped back down.

Breathing out a shaky breath he clutched Seifer's hand to himself. He couldn't let go. Hyne… he couldn't let go.

"Squall, are you in here?" Laguna's voice called through the door. Clutching Seifer's hand tighter, he gave a hesitant confirmation and then listened as the door clicked open and shut. "Ah," came Laguna's amused voice. Squall didn't know how to explain so he settled for silence. Laguna must have moved around because when he spoke again it was closer and in the direction of where he thought Seifer had put the armchair. "How have you been?"

He shifted his foot and ran into Seifer's behind his. "Fine"

"You know I've been warned by multiple sources that that is the response you give everyone no matter how you feel." Laguna's voice was friendly, at ease. When he didn't answer, Laguna launched into an account of everything that had happened in the twenty four hours that he had been absent for while running the country from the new dish that the cook had made to the meeting with Elijah Black, a World Council member representing Esthar and how Laguna didn't like him all that much even if Kiros had hand-picked the man.

"No one likes Elijah Black," Squall said quietly when Laguna took a breath. "But he's intelligent."

There was a pause before Laguna spoke again and in the silence Squall realized the breathing against his back had quickened into wakefulness. His own heart thundered in response. "I heard that you're still part of the council."

"Quistis is representing Balamb now." Which really wasn't an answer.

"If you don't… want to," Laguna said, "I can pull some strings."

"No," Squall murmured.

The mention of Elijah Black reminded him of the pending World Council meeting in a month. It was being held in Deling. Probably not far from wherever Seifer was living.

"Squall?" Laguna asked.

"Yes?" He had to let go eventually. The notion made him clamp down harder on the fingers and he heard Seifer's soft grunt against his neck.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?" Laguna was saying then quickly adding "Just let me know anytime. Anything." Then, as if he were embarrassed or unsure of himself, he excused himself, briefly touched the back of Squall's hand, and left.

In the silence that remained Squall waited for Seifer to demand his hand back. But he didn't.

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?" Squall asked, seizing in relief.

"How did you only lose the one memory?" It was the first time Seifer had brought up how he had used the Guardian Forces to forget about the two of them. Squall couldn't stop himself from tensing. "That was my question," Seifer continued. "The one I wanted answered in exchange for yours."

Squall swallowed. Darkness smiled. "I didn't."

"What?"

"Guardian Forces can't take just one memory." Now the darkness was laughing. Maybe this was his punishment. There was a long silence in which Seifer didn't move or speak. Squall wondered if he could loosen his hand again without the terror gripping him. He shouldn't be holding Seifer's hand during a conversation like this, but he didn't want to try to let go and then look wretched when he couldn't.

"What else did you sacrifice then?" came the low question.

He exhaled and stared at the darkness in front of him. "My childhood"

He heard Seifer curse and shift, momentarily tugging his hand against Squall's grip before settling again. It was enough of a clue for Squall. Clamping his teeth together and breathing through his nose, he loosened each finger he'd fastened around Seifer's, and then quickly, before he could convince himself not to, he moved Seifer's hand over his back and away.

The terror came but only for a second before Seifer's hand curled around his side again. He exhaled sharply in sobbing relief then gasped as he was pulled the few inches back into Seifer's chest.

"Why did you let go?" Seifer asked against his hair. "You're trembling."

"Am not," he whispered. The darkness retreated, watching for any slip.

Seifer barked a laugh and then fell silent. Squall tried not to think of the arm around his waist or the chest against his back. Instead he tried to think of why this shouldn't be happening and then on why it had happened at all. A brief recollection of the garden had him cringing away from the memory.

Staying where he was for the time sounded good. Here he was safe.

But Seifer wouldn't hold on to him forever.

Suddenly the implications struck him. Seifer was leaving; he was going home. And now even the idea of letting Seifer out of his grasp made him shiver. Anger swept through him, mingling with the fear. It was a hot fire, surging through him, destroying thought. Seifer had planned this. He would have torn away but he knew that was a bad idea, so instead he drove his elbow into Seifer's gut.

Seifer grunted, the breath wheezing out of him, and Squall turned on his back fisting his hand and slamming it into where he thought Seifer's chest was. "You bastard! You set this up!"

He only managed to make contact once more before his wrist was wrenched back. "What the fuck!" Seifer roared. He caught Squall's other wrist as he tried to find an eye to gouge out and before Squall knew it they were pinned above his head. The anger was obliterating everything. Even the darkness fell back. He thrashed, wrenching and kicking. "You can't do this! You bastard!" He screamed the last part as he gave a heave and toppled the two of them from the bed. He didn't even know what he was screaming after that, didn't hear what Seifer was trying to say back. He was sure that if he could see again there would be red coating everything.

"Fuck!" Seifer's curse pierced through as his nails caught on something and then the man suddenly obliged his thrashing and let go. Squall fell back against the carpet and gave a cry. The fear trampled the anger in a heartbeat. It had wrapped him in its hot embrace and not it betrayed him.

Seifer was saying something but it was lost to the howl in his ears. Scrambling to his hands and knees he lurched to the right, trying to find something, anything. Hyne it was going to crush him.

"What the hell is going on here!" Laguna's unexpected roar caused him to flinch and he let out a sob. He was trying to choke back a second when arms encircled him and pulled him up on his knees to lean against a chest. It was a button-up shirt. Seifer had been wearing cotton. He collapsed into Laguna's arms and safety, trying to muffle the sounds escaping his throat.

He ignored Laguna and Seifer's raised voices until he'd pulled himself under control. Forcing the cries down caused a band of agony across his chest but he preferred that to the sounds.

"Squall" Laguna said, his voice gentler than it had been before. "What is this all about? Why did you get upset?"

He felt his emotions curtail into anger again. He wanted to look Seifer in the eye and demand why. He wanted to see the man's face so he could claw his nails into it. That he couldn't only increased the agony against his chest. He raised a hand and pressed his palm against the pain.

"Squall?"

He ignored Laguna and spoke toward the room in front of him. "Are you that desperate?"

"Fuck Leonhart, the least you could do is make sense."

"There's nothing there!" he screamed back, the violence of it tearing at his throat. The arms around him traveled up his until hands cupped his face and turned it towards their owner.

"Squall. You need to calm down." Laguna said slowly, emphasizing each word. One hand stroked the side of his face; he hardly felt it. He rocked between anger and fear.

"There's nothing there," he repeated in a quieter voice.

"What do you mean?" That came from Seifer from somewhere in front of him.

"There's nothing there," he snarled, wrenching his head towards the sound. "There has to be contact. Too much darkness." The hands were urging his head back. He resisted, bracing his hands on the man's knee, gripping. "You planned this didn't you! So I would have no choice."

"What choice?"

"You wanted me to go to Deling so you made sure I would!" His voice had risen again. Laguna was forcing his head back around.

"Squall, stop."

"You can't force me to do anything. I won't. I'll let it devour me first."

Before he could say anything else, his elbow was brought up, put over a knee and there was a pinch as something was pushed through the skin. Gasping, he tried to surge backwards but suddenly Seifer was behind him arms coming up in a trap. He cried out as the band around his chest exploded and his limbs started to paralyze in drowsiness.

How you could cry when you were blind?

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

At first the noises didn't make sense. His limbs felt heavy, restricting movement, but there was something clasped in his hand so he just listened. The noise was voices, but they were muted as if he had cotton in his ears.

"-breakdown. She says that sometimes the emotions become too aggravated, going back and forth too quickly for smooth transitions, and that there's bound to be times where they simply combine into irrational explosions."

"He's emotionally hijacked?"

"His emotions are heightened. Mentally he can't control them as well right now. Post-traumatic stress disorder. It would explain his aggression."

"Aggression? He fucking lost it."

"Seifer," Laguna reprimanded.

He didn't hear anything else as he drifted off again wondering who they were talking about.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The next he awoke, his limbs didn't feel as heavy. He turned his head, feeling the pillow stroke his cheek at the movement and opened his eyes. Then wondered why he bothered. It wasn't like it changed anything. He flicked his eyes up when he heard material slide against material across the room.

"You think I left you stranded out there so that you would move to Deling with me." Seifer said, his and then his voice rose as if he couldn't hold it in. "Do you seriously believe I would do something like that? That I'd be that cruel?"

His outburst came back to him in pieces. It was like remembering something through a glass.

"Well? Is that who you take me for?" Seifer demanded.

"Where am I?" he asked, swallowing at the rawness in his throat.

"Answer the damn question."

Squall shifted onto his side, reaching out until his hand found a corner post. There was no one on the bed with him. Seifer was across the room. He gripped the post in a white knuckled grip and tried to moisten the dryness in his mouth. The bed wasn't moving; it wouldn't move and as long as he didn't get off of it he would be okay.

"Leonhart!"

He tucked his head towards his chest. "No," he whispered.

"I didn't follow you into Time Compression to save you from that bitch to just turn around and force you into something for my benefit like she would have. You know me better than that! Don't you!"

Squall closed his eyes. The justification for his actions evaded him, leaving him with a guilty feeling. "I don't… remember much except the anger. I apologize for whatever I said."

Seifer exhaled noisily. "Obviously Deling is bothering you more than you're letting on. You don't _have _to go. It was only a suggestion."

He had to get up. He had to let go of the post and walk around and act as if doing so didn't make him want to crawl. But he knew at that moment, that day, that he couldn't do it. Not unless Seifer was near him.

"I can't do this."

"I just said-" Seifer started but Squall cut him off.

"I can't do this… here." He exhaled and then swallowed. "Not without you."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

AN: Another chapter done! Huzzah. Spring Semester is done, Field school if done, and I'm settling into my new home nicely. I'm still participating in labs and tutoring and what-not but there should be more free time in my future. At least until the fall semester starts. Anyways I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. It's intense and I hope I portrayed it the way I wanted it to appear. Next chapter will be a little calmer, but one that I'm excited to write. Let me know how I'm doing! Much love and happy reading.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

"Seifer called you?" Irvine asked incredulously, looking up from the newspaper he had been poring over. Quistis set her tray down next to Zell as he drowsily moved over and sat.

"Yes," she said, picking up her fork and looking at it as if not sure how to use it.

"Well?" Zell asked. He straightened with a yawn and picked up the water he'd long ago forgotten in leeway of a cafeteria nap. "Fess up. What did he want?"

Quistis set her fork down. "He asked if we could ship some of Squall's stuff to his place."

The water Zell had just put in his mouth narrowly missed the paper in front of Irvine. He snatched it up out of harm's way as Zell coughed and spluttered then frowned and repeated "His place?"

Quistis scanned the nearby tables, most of them empty and then turned back. "Yes. He said Squall is moving to his place. They're leaving Esthar tomorrow." Irvine felt his blood turn to ice.

"Where would _Seifer_ live?" Zell asked, wiping his mouth with the back of a hand.

"Apparently Deling."

Zell stared at Quistis then glanced at Irvine and back. "Hyne, why the hell would Squall want to live with that bastard? Sure Seifer has been … helping him, but this?" Zell slumped back frowning over the news and then abruptly sat forward again. "You don't think Seifer is forcing him, do you? Come on, Squall is vulnerable right now. Damn! We should have never let him go with the son of a bitch."

"I don't think that is the case," Irvine replied crossly and put the paper back on the table, turning it towards the two blondes. "Here," he said and tapped the array of picture above the article then watched as their eyes grew big.

There was one thing in common in all of the photos; Seifer and Squall were always touching. In a few it was Squall touching a sleeve or holding the blonde's hand, but in others it was Seifer who had an arm around the brunette's waist or a leg tangled with Squall's while they sat.

"It's been progressive," he added as Zell pulled the paper closer, looking stunned. "Holding hands here and there. At first it was explained as Seifer helping him being blind but now there's this. I've been keeping track in case something like this was going to happen."

"God, Irv, don't tell me you've got a shrine in your closet," Zell said, dropping the paper as if it would zombie him, and glaring at Irvine suspiciously.

"Of course not," Irvine said with a glower back. More like a folder in his desk drawer, but they didn't need to know that.

"Is this… real?" Quistis asked. She'd begun to read the article, her food completely forgotten.

"The reporters are having a field-day over it" he answered.

He'd been right. Something had been going on. Something was going on _now_. He couldn't understand what Squall saw in the guy but obviously he saw something. Squall had made it very clear that Seifer had never forced him into anything, but the idea of the two together was ludicrous.

Hearing a familiar clatter of boots on the cafeteria floor, he looked up in time to move over in the booth before Selphie plopped down next to him and dumped her bag and books on the ground. She took the scene in with a glance. "Did you see then? Isn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful?" Irvine repeated icily. "There's nothing wonderful about it."

"Ah, Irvy," she sighed and slung an arm around his shoulder. "Don't take it too hard."

"Selphie," Zell said, eying the paper over Quistis' shoulder. "Don't you think… I mean… men? And Seifer?!"

"Don't be a homophobe," Selphie said, and from the way he grimaced she must have kicked him under the table. "And what's wrong with Seifer? I think they make a great couple. All that rivalry must translate into fantastic sex."

Zell turned beet red and Quistis dropped the paper, looking up in shock. Irvine crossed his arms. 'Great couple' his ass. It was a relationship bound to fail. No chance in hell.

Selphie looked at all three of them and laughed. "Oh, guys! Don't tell me you had no idea!"

"Of what?" Zell looked positively freaked now. "What do you mean? When should we have known? Isn't this recent?"

Selphie giggled as she took her arm off of Irvine's shoulder. "You mean you've never seen the picture Squall kept of him in his desk?"

"What!?" Zell and Irvine's shout came at the same time and a few students glanced their way curiously. Quistis had grown still.

Selphie leaned in and lowered her voice. "Come on, you never snooped in his office?"

"No!" Zell screeched, then flinched and lowered his own voice. "Hyne, Selphie. What did you think you were doing?"

"Snooping," she replied and leaned in further. "It was tucked away in a personal folder. Right next to the picture of his parents."

"I saw it," Quistis said quietly and Irvine turned his glare on her. "When I was packing his office. It was in a personal file."

"And," Selphie trilled. "Rinoa and he were totally faking that relationship."

"Faking?" Zell echoed while Irvine reared backwards in his seat in surprise. "They were never together?"

"No," Selphie shook her head emphatically. "She used to go down to Deling sometimes and come back with jewelry though."

Irvine groaned and put his head in his hands. "I had it all wrong. This goes back further, before the war."Now Zell and Quistis were staring at him. He glanced up and seeing their blank expressions, dropped his hands back to the table. "You would know better than me; I only transferred here after the war. How close were they as cadets?"

"Cadets?" Quistis repeated, furrowing her brow. She glanced at Zell. "They were the only two of us to grow up in the Garden. Zell and I were admitted later. But…" she paused, looking back down at her food and blinked.

"They trained a lot together," Zell said, scratching his head. "Got in trouble together a couple of times for sneaking out and pulling pranks."

"Sneaking out," Irvine said. Hyne, how long _had _this been going on.

"Wait, wait," Quistis said, physically raising her hands as if to ward off the conversation. "You're not telling me this was going on even then. Are you?"

"Remember the meeting room in Galbadia?" Zell asked before Irvine could reply. "When we heard that Seifer had been executed? Squall flipped and ran out. And when they fought? Squall never killed him, just got him down and out of the way. And there was the pardon after the war."

"But what about D-District Prison?" Quistis asked.

"Some BDSM?" Selphie put in. They all stared at her in horror and she rolled her eyes. "Kidding."

"Hyne, Selphie. Don't." Zell breathed, looking sick.

"Seifer wasn't himself," Selphie said, still looking more at ease with the conversation than Irvine thought she should be. "But Squall forgave him anyways." She added and looked meaningfully at the newspaper lying on the table between them all.

Quistis started stirring the cold potatoes on her tray. "Squall used the Guardian Forces to lose a memory. After the war. And Seifer told Irvine that he hadn't seen Squall after that." She looked up, looking troubled. "Was he trying to forget Seifer?"

"Spurned love?" Selphie guessed. "Lover's spat?" She picked up the newspaper and looked over the photos arrayed on the article.

"I don't believe it," Zell announced suddenly, sitting back and crossing his arms.

Quistis looked at him sideways. "But the pictures…" she pointed out hesitantly, as is unsure herself.

"Squall's blind. Seifer is just leading him around."

You didn't have to have your leg or arm around someone to do that, Irvine thought. "Did you talk to Squall at all?" he asked Quistis.

"No," she muttered shaking her head. "Seifer asked for Squall's things, gave me an address and hung up."

"Well, we should get his stuff packed!"

They all stared at Selphie again. "Selphie," Irvine said, "at least _pretend_ you're not happy about this."

Selphie threw her hands up. "You're all too miserable to be around. I'm going to go find boxes." She grabbed her bags and then bounced off as quickly as she had appeared.

Quistis glanced between Zell and Irvine uncertainly. Irvine sighed and shoved the paper away from him as he climbed out of the booth. He had a call to make.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall sat in the armchair with the index cards Seifer had handed him discarded in his lap as Seifer paced back and forth talking on his phone. The carpet muted his steps but the changing sounds of his voice betrayed his movements. "I should be able to come in on Wednesday. Set up an appointment with them then... No, that's the soonest."

Wednesday. Seifer meant to have them gone tomorrow which would give them half a day before Seifer jumped back into work. How often would he be gone? How often would the blonde leave him alone in the house?

He'd gotten over needing to touch Seifer to reassure himself but the damage was still there. He could feel the tenacious hold he had on his emotions, as if one miscalculated word or action could send him sliding back down into that insane panic. As long as someone was near he could keep the hysteria down. But otherwise… That first morning he had woken up alone his screams had brought Seifer at a run; the blonde had been sleeping on the floor in his room since then.

Waking up each morning with Seifer there helped. Seifer never letting him be alone helped. The panic came less often. He could go hours now without feeling the need to touch the blonde briefly in reassurance or hear his voice when he knew he was there in the room. And if Seifer wanted space – although he colored it differently - he took Squall to Laguna's office and the president sat and talked to him for hours.

That was all going to change. He was moving to a small house and only Seifer would be in the vicinity. And Seifer would be leaving in the days for his job. He'd be alone in that house. The blackness would be his only companion.

He told himself it was going to be fine, but he had said the same thing when he had told Seifer to leave that first night too. And that had shattered all to hell when he'd woken the next morning alone.

"There's no evidence. How in hell do they think to pull that one off?"

Squall tried to distract himself by picturing Seifer as an attorney. He could see the blonde's assertiveness and arrogance being an asset but suits and law books? Okay, maybe the books. There'd been a few evening's at dinner with Laguna were the blonde had displayed a knack for politics.

What would _he_ have done had he not dedicated his life to the military? He immediately came up with a blank. He had no idea. He had been surrounded by the military for as long as he could remember. Even in the orphanage he and Seifer had snuck into Edea and Cid's study to look at the maps of nations and charts of weapons.

That had been when they had both vowed to take up the Gunblade, staring at diagrams and drawings obsessively before Edea had found them and smacked them both across the bottom for not being in bed. They hadn't remembered that vow when they had picked the actual blades - by the time they had filled the weight requirement they had junctioned enough that their childhood had been mere shadows. Something must have stuck though.

Squall frowned. Something always stuck. He'd gone back to Balamb after aiding Seifer in his pardon and spent the night in a cold sweat trying to decide why the blonde made him feel so miserable. And the childhood memories had come back during the war, when triggered. The Guardian Forces effects weren't as encompassing as Garden had made them out to be. Well, he _had_ read that before going on the Dollet mission. The memories always came back once you stopped junctioning for an extended amount of time. They were always there, just hidden. He remembered everything he had lost.

Except for that one memory; the accident.

He didn't remember how he'd become blind, and it bothered him that he didn't. He wasn't junctioned and hadn't been for months, so why was that memory still hidden? He walked himself through that whole day, from when he had woken up to when he had picked the kid up. That was where it went dark. Unaware of his creasing forehead, he went through it again but got no further. There had been an explosion but was he remembering it or was it just that he knew it had happened from overhearing the report? What was knowledge and what was memory?

"Why did you stop practicing?" Seifer asked, his voice startling Squall out of his thoughts. A hand settled briefly in his lap to collect the index cards he had discarded and then one was placed in his hand. "What's this."

Squall let his finger traced the bumps on the card for a second. "E," he said before placing it on the armrest. "I don't want to do this."

"Do it anyways," was Seifer's reply and another card was put into his hand.

Four dots. "P"

"No. Try again." Squall pitched the card towards Seifer. Seifer had it under his fingers again a second later. "Try again," he repeated.

Four dots; three on the left one on the right. P's right dot was in line with the highest dot on the left. This dot was in the middle. "R." The card was taken away and replaced with another. "You're returning to work as soon as we get to Deling?" he asked instead of obliging the action.

"I can't wait too long. My client is getting uneasy about his upcoming hearing." The card shifted again, pushing against his hand impatiently.

He ran a finger over it. "A"

Seifer made him do a few more and then abruptly took them all away. "What time is it?"

Squall frowned. "What do you mean what time is it?"

"Exactly that." Then there was a flick against his wrist. No, against the watch on his wrist. Squall crossed his arms and turned his face away. He wasn't interested in these games today. He'd indulged Seifer for a time, but now he was tired.

After a second he heard Seifer start tapping on his keyboard and two feet came to rest on his chair to either side of his thighs. The bastard was going to wait him out. Squall slouched lower in his chair. Well, he could wait too.

He tried to think of Gunblades. There was a new model being made in Galbadia where they were trying to make a thinner blade to reduce weight but still retain the power of a strike a heavier model had. He had his doubts that they would succeed, but he'd like to see the results.

…Or he had. Now he couldn't.

He stopped himself from going over the Dollet mission again with a will.

Gunblades made him remember the cut he had received on his fingers in the Gardens and he uncrossed his arms to finger where it had been. It had only taken a day to close and begin to heal. There wasn't anything to show it had even happened; nothing physical anyways.

He dropped his hand and it connected with Seifer's foot. Seifer didn't move or say anything. Frowning, Squall lowered his hand again, encountered sock, and deliberately draped his wrist over the man's ankle. If he was going to put his feet on Squall's chair than he could deal with Squall's limbs on top of his. He slouched lower, his knee brushing a calf and laid his head down on the back of the chair.

He knew he was lying to himself. He didn't care if Seifer didn't care. He just wanted to have the contact. And wanting it jumbled all his emotions up. It brought back those memories where he'd craved the contact before. Then it had been for entirely different reasons, but the base action was the same.

Seifer's toes curled and he realized he'd been trailed his fingers on the sock's lining. He stilled his fingers. What did Seifer think about all the contact they had now? Did he see this as a burden? As the beginning of something Squall couldn't give him? It had become an unconscious need for him but for Seifer, on the receiving end, what did it come across as?

He drew his hand back and re-crossed his arms. Maybe he could take a nap. He immediately discarded the idea. He might dream and if he dreamt he might dream in color and he didn't want to deal with that either.

What, then, was there to do? He hadn't touched his Gunblade since _that_ day. The Braille was uninteresting and tedious. There was no use waking around the halls since he was leaving. Laguna was in a meeting. He'd never in his life had as much time as he had on his hands now. He felt twitchy with the need to do something.

And of course Seifer had tried to help.

Squall sighed. He was being petulant. He didn't want to do a thing, but it was the one thing he could do now until he found something else to occupy his mind other than endless thoughts. He hated all the endless thoughts. He didn't want to think about what he'd do in the future, or how he was going to make a living, or what would happen once he no longer needed Seifer to help him get around. He didn't want to think about the fact that he'd need someone near for the rest of his life. And he really didn't want to think about how the current situation could collapse if Seifer thought something more was going on then there was.

Scowling, he brought a finger to the damned watch and ran it over the design until he could make out its pattern. "It's four twenty-three."

Then he shoved at Seifer's leg until the blonde moved it and stood up. He paced to the side five steps till he reached the bathroom door, thinking to take a shower. Then after a moment he turned away and instead paced the twelve steps to the dresser against the opposite wall. He ran a hand over the surface. He knew there was nothing there to distract him but let his hand search anyways.

It hit that damn cane. He picked the rod up, letting his fingers feel along it. Seifer had probably left it out on purpose. Decisively he used his other hand to find a drawer handle and pulling it open, he stuffed the rod in under some clothing. He shut the drawer with a loud thump.

Now what?

After a second's thought, he opened the drawer again and began pulling the clothes out, letting the rod fall with them. He dumped them all to the ground, then opened the next drawer and did the same thing.

'What _are_ you doing?" Seifer asked from the opposite end of the room.

"I can't leave them here," he said over his shoulder as he opened the middle drawer.

"You're packing? Now?" Squall shrugged. Why not. He wondered if this was how Zell had felt when the blonde had complained of being 'bored out of his mind'. "Why are you dumping them on the floor? They were already folded."

Squall paused. He hadn't thought that far. Well, that was something else he could do. He dumped the last of the clothing onto the floor then dropped to sit on the ground next to the pile. He thought Seifer made a humming noise of amusement but he ignored it and pulled a piece of clothing towards him. A quick feel of the shape told him it was a shirt. He set it in his lap and folded it before setting it immediately to his right.

He was done in ten minutes. Disappointed that his reaching hand couldn't find anything else and that it hadn't taken longer, he sat up on his knees and leaned forward until his hand could reach around the dresser and find the bag Seifer had placed there so long ago.

How long _had _they been here? He tried to count back the days, knowing he was missing some. So three weeks, give a little? Four weeks? Had he really been here almost a month? He sat back and opened the duffle bag before moving his carefully arranged pile of jeans into it. He had to be careful reaching for the piles or he knocked them over.

He wondered how long he would be at Sefier's. A month seemed like a long time.

He'd put the rod next to the socks. He picked it up and trailed his fingers along its smooth surface again. It was an innocent object really. It was only that he knew what it was used for that made him resent it. In that sense it was a repulsive object. But he set it in the bag with the clothes against his better judgment. At least this way he knew where it was and Seifer wouldn't be able to pick it up and try to make him use it again.

When he finally had everything piled neatly in the bag, he collapsed back onto the carpet and lay with his face turned up to the ceiling. He wondered if, behind the darkness, it was white. Maybe it had swirls in it; or it could be tiled. He didn't remember ever paying attention to the palace ceilings before. He wished he had. He wished he could remember how it differed from the walls and how they differed from the floor. There was no difference in the darkness. It never changed, never dwindled, never moved. It was a wall with no features. It was a nothingness.

"Seifer?" he asked softly.

"Yep?"

"Nothing," he muttered. He hadn't really meant to ask. He'd only wanted reassurance that the blonde was still there. He'd lost track of the sounds Seifer made while he'd been intent on getting the clothes into the bag and the blonde was no longer clacking away at that computer of his. Was the computer black? Silver? Small?

He shoved the questions aside. He couldn't understand why he focused on them so much. They just made him miserable.

Squall started when his phone rang. He sat up and cocked his head towards it. No one had called him in weeks but it was giving off a soft melody now; the ringtone Seifer had selected for Rinoa. He got to his feet and counted the seven steps it took to reach the bed and the table next to it. He brushed wood, running his fingers along it until he bumped up against the metal device. He snatched it up. The phone was silver. He remembered that.

"Rin?" he asked after he had flipped it open and raised it to an ear.

"Hyne, Squall it's good to hear your voice." Rinoa responded warmly. "How did you know it was me?"

Squall turned and carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. "Seifer gave you a ringtone."

Seifer's chuckle across the room mixed with the chuckle in his ear. "Nothing horrible I hope," the sorceress said. "No banshees' or funeral music?"

"No."

"So, Seifer huh? Is he taking care of you? Are you two doing okay? From what I've seen in the news you seem to have gotten past everything. Although I would have thought-"

Squall startled straighter. "What? What's in the news?" There was a pause on the other end. "Rin?" He hardly waited, and turned his head instead towards Seifer. "Seifer, what's in the news?"

"Nothing important."

"Tell me."

Seifer didn't respond. Squall waited him out and finally the answer came, obviously pulled forth reluctantly. "The press has got some pictures of us together… holding hands. You know, when I was helping you figure out steps."

Squall blanched. Hyne, he'd forgotten about the press and their cameras. Holding hands? They'd done more than that in the last few days as he fought to regain a semblance of control. He'd practically been in Seifer's lap!

"Just what they could catch from the gardens," Seifer added.

What had the press seen? What had they in turn shown the public? Everything. Hyne, he knew how the press worked. They'd publish everything they got. How many people had seen? Balamb? The World Council? The whole world?

He dropped the phone and stood in a rush, his breath seizing. He had to go tell them, tell them it was all a mistake. Just as suddenly Seifer was there making stupid soothing sounds and sitting him back down with an arm around his waist. He felt Seifer lean forward, felt the hand at his side rubbing circles along his side. "Sorry," Seifer said. Not to him. "He freaks out easy now." He grunted as Squall's elbow hit him in the side. "No, he's fine."

Squall tried to stand up again but Seifer pulled him back. The hand tightened around his side. He tried to pry it off with little success. "Let me go."

"Why? What are you going to do?"

"I… I'll…" He finally tore away and stood to move a few feet away. Then he spun back around and rushed back again with the darkness at his heels. He sat and his scrabbling hand found Seifer's. Then with a cry at what he had just done he pulled back and shoved Seifer away. He heard the blonde's grunt as he sprang back up and staggered away.

God, what did he do?

The grunt turned into laughter. "Hyne, you look like you have a bee in your pants, leaping around like that." Squall whirled back and when he reached the bed again he aimed a reckless kick at where Seifer's legs should be. "Ouch! Fucking Hyne!" Only then did he remember he was wearing his steel-toed boots.

"Why did you let them get pictures of us?"

"_Me?_ How was _I _supposed to stop it?"

Squall quelled the urge to throw something. "I don't know," he snapped. Already he was remembering the time when Seifer had shouted at someone to leave them alone, that day after the garden incident.

"Look, it couldn't have been helped. The press is just taking advantage of the situation. Don't scowl at me." Squall sighed, his anger leaking away. Seifer was right. He knew Seifer was right. Hyne, it would have been easier if he was wrong.

He shuffled slowly back to the bed. Maybe he could call someone. Tell them it was all a misunderstanding. There must be someone he could call. But he'd have to ask Seifer to find the number for him. And that would show how worried he was about it, while Seifer didn't seem worried at all. He hadn't even thought to tell Squall about it.

"Here," Seifer said as soon as he had sat again. "Talk to the princess."

He blinked towards Seifer in incomprehension. "What?" He'd barely finished the word before his phone was placed back into his hand. Oh. _That _princess. He put the phone back up to his ear and cleared his throat.

"Back?" Rinoa asked.

"Yes," he said, making sure his embarrassment didn't leak through to his voice. Maybe it really wasn't that big of a deal. Seifer didn't seem that worried. And really, he couldn't know what people were thinking. The press could publish anything they wanted. It was up to individuals to decide on what they believed. Of course, the press had a lot of influencing power.

He shoved the whole situation away. He couldn't think of it now. He would have to get Seifer to read aloud the articles in the news. But later.

"I'm sorry," Rinoa was saying. "I didn't realize you didn't know. It's my fault."

"No it's not," he said. "Stop apologizing." The command was an old one in their friendship. The sorceress was always apologizing for something or another.

"Okay," Rinoa said with a small chuckle, then went on. "How are you? Really?"

He almost said 'fine'. And maybe he could convince her that it was true. But it wasn't. He changed it at the last minute. "I'm dealing." Then before she could saying anything in response, he rushed on. "What about you? Where are you?"

"I'm in Deling; with Dylan."

"You're happy?" he asked.

Rinoa laughed. "Yes. I'm happy. I wish you could… Well, anyways."

He wondered if anyone had discovered their charade yet. "I'm going to Deling with Seifer," he heard himself say.

"Really?!"

"He lives there. And… I need to go somewhere else." He said, and then added. "He says his house is small." As if that made sense to her.

She didn't even sound fazed by the news. "We'll have to go out to lunch sometime now that we'll be in the same city." Actually she sounded extremely pleased.

Well whatever she thought, she was the only one who knew about him and Seifer. She knew not to expect anything to come out of this. "I'll call you when Seifer has some time off work."

"Oh, so you have to wait for Seifer?"

Squall felt his face heat. "I mean… well, I can't…" He rose to his feet as if that could help.

Rinoa gave a trilling laugh. "Stop spluttering. I was just teasing. I know Seifer will have to be there. Although, you are always welcome here, you know. I'll make sure you know how to get to our apartment. In case you want to visit."

He sat back down. "Oh... Thanks."

"Hey, we look out for each other, right?" She didn't need him to answer. They had both vowed to do so. "So, let me know when you get settled?"

"I will."

He could hear her smile. "Take care of yourself Squall."

"You too." When she hung up, he lowered the phone, her teasing ringing in his ears. Maybe he was wrong about what she thought was happening.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall hadn't even set the phone down before it rang again, this time it was the western tune Seifer had set for Kinneas. Seifer frowned at the sound. Why the hell was Kinneas calling Squall? "You're popular today," he noted as Squall fumbled the phone back toward himself. Squall looked towards him briefly with a blank expression before answering the call.

"Hello?" He sounded hesitant. Seifer felt a stupid rush of pleasure at the hesitancy. Squall and the cowboy weren't as friendly together as he had originally thought when he'd been in Balamb.

He was watching from the armchair Squall had vacated earlier, his arms splayed on the arms of the chair and his feet crossed at the ankles. He was keeping himself there by will alone. If he let himself go, he'd be beside Squall in an instant.

Maybe in the garden last week he'd concluded that he wasn't helping Squall in hopes of rekindling anything, but after a week of Squall's touches, he wanted nothing more than to throw the brunette down and kiss him. He daydreamed about it. He dreamt of it. It didn't matter if it was the panic induced clinging or just a soft touch of his hand, Squall was initiating contact. A lot of it. And it was wreaking havoc with Seifer's emotions.

"Seifer added some ringtones so I could tell who was calling." Now Squall sounded annoyed. Most likely from having to explain once more why he wasn't as helpless as everyone assumed.

Seifer smirked. Squall pulled his legs up and crossed them under himself on the bed. One hand played with his jeans while the other held the phone to his ear. He was calmer. Maybe he had forgotten about Rinoa's slip about the news. Seifer watched the brunette raise a hand to rub at the back of his neck, realized he was staring, and jerked his eyes away.

Hyne, he couldn't wait to get back to work. Then at least he could distract himself with something. As it was now, there was nothing to keep him from looking, from touching, from wanting. All day long.

He knew what he wanted. He'd known what he wanted that first week they'd both come to Esthar. It hadn't changed. The only thing that had changed was his resistance against it. That was crumbling at an alarming rate.

He wasn't sure if Squall even noticed. The man was stuck in a world all by himself with no idea of what his presence did to him. He cursed Squall's obliviousness; it was even worse with the blindness.

"What!?" Seifer started up straight at Squall's incredulous question. The brunette was sitting still, facing ahead. "Irvine!" Squall barked and Seifer could hear the authoritative tone the man would have used as the Commander. "It was my choice. The palace is just too big."

So Kinneas thought he'd forced Squall into moving to his place. His call this morning must have stirred up the nest. He stopped listening to the conversation and instead watched Squall's slight movements. What would Squall do if he kissed him? Would he ruin everything if he did?

And could he keep away, once he had Squall totally alone?

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall could hear the tears in Laguna's voice as the man clung to him and babbled about visits and dinners. The same thing had happened last night during the goodbye dinner Laguna had made for him. Laguna had literally made it himself.

"Are you sure you don't want anything? Books, a dog, clothes, money? Anything?"

"No," Squall said again, standing awkwardly in Laguna's arms with the pile of books in one arm smashed against his stomach. He'd made the mistake of returning Laguna's hug and now the man wouldn't get off of him. "I'm fine."

"No you're not," Laguna bemoaned and then suddenly he was easing away, sniffing. "But you will be. Seifer! You make sure he's going to be okay."

"Aye-aye," Seifer said, somewhere behind him.

Squall scowled and shifted the books in his arms to a more comfortable position. "Thank you for letting me stay," he told Laguna.

"Come back and stay again. Please? For your old man?"

"He'll be back," Seifer said for him when he didn't respond immediately. Squall sent a scathing glare over his shoulder. He could answer his own questions. Seifer's arm bumped his. Laguna laughed and enveloped both of them, squashing the three of them together and proving that his soldier's strength hadn't diminished at all. Seifer protested almost as much as he did and finally Laguna let them go.

"Call me when you get there," the president requested.

Squall nodded then turned away as Seifer said his own goodbye. It was only a moment before Seifer had stepped back next to him and linked their hands. Squall flinched and tried to pull away but Seifer's fingers latched down. "We're on top of the building. There's no camera's anywhere in sight." The blonde said.

Squall consented and let Seifer lead him towards where the jet was supposed to be. He didn't _really_ want Seifer to let go anyways. He was trying to hoard as many touches as he could before they got to Deling and Seifer started to leave him on his own again. Realistically, he knew that that wouldn't make it any easier, but he ignored what his rational mind told him.

He knew his feet were dragging. He didn't want to go. He'd packed everything yesterday, had been more than ready to get out of the palace and its size but this morning his fears had crushed that desire. Maybe the palace was big but he knew parts of it and there was always someone around. He'd come to know that bedroom he'd been in like the back of his hand.

Now it was all gone. He was leaving the pieces of comfort to the darkness. For what? A place he'd never been in? He wouldn't even be able to coincide what he remembered seeing of the place before with the feel because he'd never been to Seifer's house before. He wasn't even that familiar with Deling itself. Esthar he knew. The palace he knew.

He turned his head back towards the palace and Laguna. He knew what the roof looked like. There would be a building in the center of the wide open space with the door to take him back down into the palace. Laguna would be standing near it where they had left him. He couldn't see it now, but he remembered. There was nothing in Deling he cared to remember.

He was walking away from safety into nothingness. The darkness would expand and grow into those spaces of unknown. It would surround him even more thoroughly than it already did. And all he did was let Seifer lead him into it.

The worst part was that when the blonde was holding his hand, it didn't seem so bad. But they couldn't very well link hands at all times. Seifer had a job he had to go back to. He had a life waiting for him. Maybe he even had a boyfriend to go back to.

Squall stumbled. Where the hell had _that _thought come from?

Fuck, had Seifer ever said he _didn't _have someone waiting for him at home? That would be… awkward. No it would be much more than awkward. The thought made him want to crawl out of his skin.

No, Seifer wouldn't have left someone in Deling for that long. Unless it was just causal.

That might be even worse.

"You okay?" Seifer asked from slightly ahead of him.

Squall jumped and nodded spastically. They reached the jet and Seifer got Squall on the first stair before falling back. Clutching the rail in one hand he ascended slowly. His despairing mood crashed back down on him. He was making a mistake. He was knowingly stepping into a bad situation. He almost turned around, but he could feel Seifer right behind him.

The railing ended and all Squall could do was take a tentative step forward, feeling a draft as he passed under what he assumed was the jet's doorway. Then Seifer's arm linked awkwardly through his due to the bags the blonde was carrying and led him further in. Someone closed the door behind them and Seifer stopped them after eleven steps. There were thumps as bags hit the ground and Seifer's arm left his. Then hands were turning him around and stepping him back until the back of his knees pressed up against something. Obliging, he sat down and Seifer left, no doubt to put their bags somewhere.

Squall tucked his head down and bit his lip. The jets were starting. The stairs would be curling back into the ship. It was too late.

He opened his arms and let the books there fall to the floor. The noise alerted Seifer. "Squall?" The word was gentle but Squall ignored it and bringing his knees up turned sideways and leaned against the back of the jet's chair, huddling his arms between his knees and chest. "What is it?" Seifer asked. One hand touched his knee. "You're trembling. Are you having a panic attack?"

Squall breathed out. "No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Right," Seifer said but he moved away to finish whatever he'd been doing.

"It's a mistake," he finally said, but it was too quiet and Seifer didn't hear him.

He didn't want the endless thoughts. So he fled into sleep.

He was in his old office, looking down at his desk. The papers scattered there were white as snow and the wood underneath a rich brown color. He looked up and Seifer was there, pacing and throwing his arms about. He was wearing a red shirt and Rinoa behind him was wearing purple. He stared at the purple color, at how seamlessly it looked. Rinoa smiled and told him to pay attention to Seifer. He turned back towards the blonde and his red shirt and his blonde hair. He was saying something about mistakes: Seifer's mistake and his mistake; something about regretting their actions for too long. He shifted, opened his mouth to ask what Seifer was talking about but the world tilted and he knew no more until he startled awake as the ground moved underneath him.

"Sorry," Seifer rumbled from beneath him. Beneath him? He tried to scramble up but Seifer's arm was around his waist and the hand he tried to put on the ground landed instead on Seifer's chest. They were on the ground of the jet. He shifted until he had both palms flat on the floor and then pushed his upper body up. His head had been on Seifer's shoulder. Fuck, what had he been doing?

"I didn't realize I had… I mean, you must have… what the hell?" Seifer's hand was still curled against his hip. The placement of their bodies was familiar.

"You looked uncomfortable so I moved you." Seifer answered.

"To the floor?" Squall asked incredulously. He would have said he was still dreaming but color had fled with this clear awareness. Seifer had done this before, moved them together while he had been sleeping. The first time had been in Time Compression. _You looked uncomfortable so I moved you_.

Seifer's baritone laugh rang out. "Come on, the chairs aren't that comfortable."

What was this? What did Seifer think he was doing? Did he think he was helping somehow? He opened his mouth to ask but instead hissed out his breath when a hand cupped his cheek. The action sent a spike of warmth through him and he froze, staying absolutely still. "S-Seifer?" This went beyond 'helping'. This was something else entirely. He knew what this was.

Abruptly the hand fell away and Seifer sat up, crowding Squall up and backwards. "Sorry," the blonde said roughly and cleared his throat. Then, just like that, Seifer slipped away. Squall was left sitting on the floor held up by rubbery arms.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall stood in the middle of blackness as the jet roared back to life and left and Seifer put all the bags into his car. The noise of the jet had disappeared before he heard the 'thunk' of a car door shutting. Or maybe a trunk.

"Can I see your Gunblade?" Seifer asked. Squall held it out silently and it was taken away. Another door opened then shut. Then a hand slid under his forearm, pulled him two steps forward and raised his hand to touch a smooth surface. Squall flattened his palm against it. It was hot.

"What is this place?" he asked.

"Parking garage. Top floor so the jets can get here." So the car had been sitting here in the weather for weeks. It was hot so the sun must have been out earlier. He couldn't feel its heat now though. He heard Seifer's boots move away and around the car. "Get in," was all the blonde said before a door opened. By the time Squall's hand have found a door handle Seifer had already closed his own door. With nowhere else to go, Squall opened the car door and felt his way down into the seat. The car was higher than his own car had been. He pulled his door shut as an engine started then found his seatbelt and pulled it over to click in.

Neither of them spoke as Seifer drove. The scene on the jet floor kept replaying in Squall's head: the way Seifer's breath had moved his chest against Squall's hand, the coldness of the floor in contrast to Seifer's heat, the ragged edge to Seifer's voice just before he had slipped away.

Eventually Squall had dragged himself back to the jet seat he'd originally been in, straining each second to hear for any clue as to where Seifer had gone to. He'd left the room – maybe to a restroom – and hadn't come back for five minutes. And when he had come back he'd said nothing. Squall had not been able to come up with anything to say either so they had stayed silent for the rest of the trip.

It was eerily similar to how the train ride from Balamb to Esthar had been.

Squall supposed he shouldn't have been surprised something had happened. Their relationship had always been like that, even when they hadn't been sleeping together – chaotic and impulsive. Really he should be surprised that something like this hadn't already happened. Especially with how the situation stood now.

He'd been deluding himself when he'd pretended not to know how Seifer would respond to his actions. He hadn't wanted to think about it and so he'd hidden away from it. He knew better.

He'd known this was a possibility when he had said yes in his room at Balamb.

It didn't take long before Seifer's car slowed and turned in somewhere. It eased forward a few feet before stopping and Squall heard Seifer shift the gears into park. Then the engine turned off.

"Home sweet home," Seifer said. He sounded cheerful; normal.

Squall stayed seated as a seatbelt slammed into an interior wall and a door opened. He stared ahead at where the house would be, wishing he could see what it looked like. Was it run down? A studio? Where they in a neighborhood or along a busy road? He didn't even know what part of the city they were in.

He felt the darkness tightening around him.

He clicked his seatbelt off and opened his door. He'd made his choice. Now he had to live with it. He'd barely shut the car door behind him when Seifer came up next to him rambling about how usually the weather in Deling was sunny. As he talked, the blonde slipped two bags onto Squall's shoulder and pushed his gunblade case into his hands. Then he was gone back to the trunk of the car, this time telling him they were in the eastern part of the city.

Seifer's voice was light. There was no indication there that anything had happened between them. Maybe he could have seen it in the blonde's eyes. Seifer had always been good at pushing aside what he didn't want to linger on.

At the moment, Squall wished he could as well. He knew he'd be up all night thinking over everything that happened, every little touch he'd made in the last month and everything Seifer had done.

The trunk shut and Seifer broke his monologue off to direct him up the sidewalk until they reached a door. Squall waited behind Seifer as the man tried to find his keys and listened to what was around him. He didn't hear any other cars or people. There were some birds but nothing else. There wasn't even any wind blowing.

It took a moment more before Seifer made a humming noise and keys jingled. A second later Seifer told him to walk forward into the house. "There's a lip on the threshold, watch out."

Squall worked his way forward, dragging one foot until it connected with the lip. He stepped over it and took a few steps further in. The air was slightly cooler than the air outside had been. He heard Seifer close the door behind them.

"Drop the bags. We'll do a general tour and figure out the furniture and steps later."

Squall let the bags slide from his shoulders as Seifer started talking. "So, doors' behind you; it opens up into the living room." He'd hardly set his Gunblade case against a wall before Seifer had a hand under his elbow and was tugging him forward. "Couch is on the right with a coffee table in front of it. Coffee table is in front of us on a carpet. I've got hardwood floors. TV's on the left against the wall. And straight ahead is the kitchen bar; three chairs there. Doorway into the kitchen is down the hall that's ahead to the left of the bar and on the right." As Seifer spoke he pulled Squall along to illustrate the dimensions of the house.

"But here, before you go to the kitchen, next to the TV is the bedroom." He was pulled through an open doorway. "Straight ahead is my desk. Bookcase on the right side of it. The bed is on the left along the wall with space on either side. Closet's here on the opposite side of the room. Bathrooms right next to it."

Then Seifer took him back into the main room and around the perimeters this time. It was a very small house. Fit for one person, maybe two. "The laundry room is in this closet opposite the kitchen entryway here and the backyard's through this door at the end of the hallway. There's no deck. The door opens onto grass. And it's fenced."

After a second Seifer's hand slipped from his elbow. "See. No stairs anywhere."

Squall made a noncommittal noise. It was small. His mind seemed stuck on that concept. Seifer had said it was small but he hadn't really portrayed how small. He'd been thinking it would be something like the houses Rinoa had once shown him in Deling when they'd visited on a mission; twenty-four hundred square feet at least. This was maybe half that.

This would be like learning to navigate the room Laguna had given him in Esthar. A few steps in any direction would bring him to a wall. There were no wide open spaces that could trap him. He was almost eager to become familiar with the rooms. Almost.

"Where should I put my stuff?" he asked into the quiet.

Seifer didn't answer immediately. It was a minute before he said "The room." Seifer's footsteps clipped across the hardwood floor, moving away. Squall turned his head to follow the sound, frowning.

"Where will you be then?" he asked, following hesitantly. "If I'm in the room?" There was only one room. Only one bed, now that he thought of it. He stopped short of where Seifer was making rustling noises as he moved bags up off the floor.

"We'll have to share the room," was all Seifer said. He passed by as he said it. "I've got all the bags," he added. Squall followed hastily, moving to a wall and then following it to the bedroom door. When he got to the doorframe he sidled around it.

"Wait," he said, trying to find Seifer by sound. There was a creak ahead and to the right. Near where Seifer had said the closet was. He took one step in that direction, still holding on to the doorframe. "I'll sleep on the couch. I didn't come here to be an inconvenience."

"You won't be. Stop worrying about it." Seifer was turned away.

Squall took another step towards him, letting go of the doorframe. "But there's only one bed."

"So?"

Okay. Obviously Seifer was not worried in the slightest about how bad this could be. The blonde was obviously busy putting bags away. Squall turned to where he thought he remembered the bed being. He paced forward hesitantly until his foot hit wood. A hand pushed forward next encountered soft sheets. He felt along the edge until he found a corner and then moved his hand along the bed again until he could find the other corner. It was a little wider than arms length.

"See? It's plenty big."

Squall jumped at Seifer's voice and twisted around. The touch to his cheek earlier flashed through his mind again. It was skewing his perception of everything. Situations demanded that soldiers sometimes shared a bed. He'd had to do so many times before with Irvine or Zell on missions. This was just the same.

Only, it wasn't.

"Squall," Seifer said and Squall flinched before he could help himself. Hyne. He sucked in a breath. He was being paranoid. Even so he couldn't help opening his mouth to make another argument, any argument. He didn't get the chance.

Seifer abruptly shoved him in the chest with a hand. Squall's knees hit the bed and he went down onto the blankets with a startled cry. Thrashing, he pulled himself up the bed and away from Seifer before the man could do anything. Then he snarled silently at himself. He'd just shown exactly how jumpy he felt. There was no way Seifer would have missed that impressive performance. No, he amended; the blonde had probably already known and used it against him. He'd herded Squall right where he wanted him.

"Now," Seifer said, sounding smug. "Take your boots off and go to sleep."

Squall didn't move as Seifer moved around the room. There was a click as a light was turned off then thuds as Seifer's boots were taken off. There were a few more undistinguishable sounds and then the mattress took more weight. Squall streaked his head towards it, but Seifer never said anything. There was more shifting and then a soft sigh.

Seifer fell asleep ridiculously fast. It was almost insulting how quickly his breathing evened out. Squall huffed out a breath and then slowly took his own boots off. He leaned over to set them on the ground quietly. He left his clothes on and slid under the covers. He faced away from Seifer and lay as close to the edge of the mattress as he could get without falling off.

He could still feel Seifer's hand against his face.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Squall jerked awake as he felt the bed shift. There was a curse, cut halfway off by a yawn and two feet padded softly against wood. A door closed across the room. It had been Seifer leaving the bed.

Squall rubbed a hand over his face and sat up. He'd fallen asleep somehow. His grogginess told him it hadn't been for very long however. Not surprising due to all the thinking he had done. Every sentence, every action between himself and Seifer had to be reanalyzed.

It had gone back and forth all night. First it had been his fault; he'd been the one initiating the contact which must have been too much for Seifer's control. Then it had become Seifer's fault; Seifer had been the one to take him to the gardens and then fallen asleep which had then caused the separation insecurity in the first place. But wasn't it his fault that Seifer was tired enough to fall asleep on the damn ground? Seifer had spent hours and days trying to rehabilitate him to being blind. No, it hadn't been his fault; he had never asked Seifer to do so.

It all followed the line down to the accident. If the accident hadn't occurred none of this would have happened. But he couldn't remember the accident. Was there even a specific person to blame? Most likely not. It hadn't made him feel any better to realize that. It had only angered him further. He knew bad things happened. He'd seen as much in the war tenfold over. Rationally he knew there was no real explanation. But he didn't want to think rationally. Thinking rationally didn't make him feel any better.

His conclusion hadn't made him feel better either. He had to stop initiating contact between himself and Seifer. Otherwise he was giving signals he shouldn't be giving based off of how convoluted their interaction had become. They didn't need the situation to get any more complex than it already was.

He moved his hand across the sheets to feel for the edge of the mattress but it was closer than he realized and his balance shifted fatally at the lack of support. He had time to flail his other arm up before he and the hardwood floor met intimately.

"God," he hissed quietly and tried to right himself. He suddenly wanted Shiva's talons so he could slash and claw at the floor. He wanted to destroy something. He reached for the Guardian Force before he realized she was gone; then realized what he was thinking. What was he doing? He hadn't junctioned her in months.

He shoved the boots under his arm away in disgust and used the bed to lever himself up. He'd barely gotten to his feet before the door across the room opened. "Ah, you're up," Seifer commented. His voice was as cheerful as it had been last night. Obviously he had decided to forget about the touch on the jet. The blonde had always tended to pull selective amnesia when it was convenient. "I'm going into the office in two hours, but that should be enough time to get you a little settled."

Everything slammed back at those words. It was Wednesday; Seifer was going back to work today. Squall curled his fists against the anger roiling through him. Of course the blonde was. He had even encouraged Seifer to go.

"Well come on, start with the closet and the bathroom. You can shower while I cook some breakfast."

He wanted to say that he didn't want to start the tedious memorizing first thing, but how else was he going to even start the day? He wanted to say he didn't want Seifer to cook him breakfast, but how else was he going to eat? Familiar despair cut through his anger. Why had he even gotten up? He sat down the bed. What was the point of any of it?

There was silence for a moment before a screech broke it. "Remember where the closet is?" Seifer asked, still across the room. He sounded a little less cheerful. Squall didn't bother to answer. "Well it's not huge. But your shirts are hung on the rod in the middle. Mine are to the right. Cubby holes on either side; your things I put on the left. Just dump the dirty things on the ground underneath the shirts."

After his speech, Sefier quieted. And waited. Squall crossed his arms and forced himself to participate in the conversation as wanted. "The laundry room. What direction do I turn the knob for with the wash cycle?"

"I'm positive you don't need to be worrying about that," Seifer voice said, followed by another soft screech as he closed the closet. "Bathroom," he said and when next he spoke it was muffled, filtering from the adjacent room. "Shampoo is farthest from the faucet, conditioner is closest and the soap is in the middle indent. Razor's out of the way so don't go looking for it. Towels are on the wall next to the faucet. I've added one for you, the one closest to the shower. And your toothbrush and shit is in the drawer closest to the shower as well." The end of the words got louder as Seifer moved from the bathroom back into the room. "You shouldn't spend the day sleeping."

"Why does it matter what I do," Squall replied and pulled his legs up onto the bed as well. "Just go to work."

"You should get familiar with the house. A few hours and then it will be easier tomorrow. And easier the day after."

'I didn't ask for your advice."

"No. But I'm giving it anyways." There was the slight sound of feet on the hardwood floor before Seifer spoke again, near where the bedroom door was suppose to be. "Food will be done in ten."

After he was gone Squall drew his knees up and rested his head on them. Now that the blonde was out of the room he allowed himself to wallow in his hurt and anger at the world. He could tell it was especially bad today.

Some days he felt he could deal with all of it. Not today.

The transition, he told himself. It was just because he was in a new place. But knowing the cause didn't help his emotions. He felt _raw _with all the emotions.

He'd learned early in his life to keep his emotions locked down. It had been how he'd kept himself safe from the cruelty of the world. The war had taught that no emotions were just as crippling as too much emotions and Seifer had helped him loosen his hold on them in Esthar during their one month vacation. They'd lowered the wall a little. But now he felt that he had no control at all over them; that the wall had crumbled completely.

And it _was _crippling him. He was saying and doing things he didn't mean, reacting on impulses, lashing out at people who didn't deserve it. He wasn't himself anymore. How could anger or terror have such a hold on a person? Those two emotions had taken over his life. They were always present, always leaning over him and breathing on his neck. And they fed the darkness all around him. When the emotions roiled darker the blackness seemed to thicken and press in.

He pressed his forehead harder onto his knees. Knowing that they correlated didn't matter. He could analyze it for hours; he could find the logical explanations. He could know that anger and terror were what was hindering him in navigating the darkness, that without them it could be easier. But knowing didn't make the emotions disappear. They were still there, pushing against him and controlling him.

Thinking about it didn't help either. It cycled the terror and anger back on themselves. But he couldn't _stop_ thinking about it. He wanted to know why. Why him? Why had this happened to _him_? Hadn't he done enough for the world? Was this how he was repaid for all he had done? He'd never really put faith in a god, in Hyne, but now he wondered if perhaps there was some sadistic power somewhere, pulling the strings. How else did this make sense?

Was it repayment for all the men he'd killed in the war? He'd never let it bother him before. War was war; you obeyed commands from your superiors and didn't over think them so you would be able to sleep at night. There was always going to be war. Men would always die. Seifer had given him that piece of advice when they were cadets. Let yourself really think about those men as people with families and it could destroy you. So he hadn't. They'd only been targets.

He'd blinded men before. He'd stabbed one man in the eye deliberately. He'd thrown fire at another's eyes. If they had survived they would have been blind. Were they still living? Or had they killed themselves because they couldn't handle it? Did they have someone who had tried to help? Did they blame him?

Had he just been another target?

Or was it even worse than that? Had it just been a freak accident?

"Come on Squall!" Seifer shouted from the other room.

He was digging himself into a deeper hole of misery. He needed to stop thinking. He would eat breakfast and then he would sleep. He wouldn't have to think if he was asleep.

He got off the bed and slowly made his way to the door. Once past the doorway he could hear Seifer rummaging around in the kitchen. Something was sizzling. He kept his face turned away and tried to remember where the couch was. Somewhere near the door, across from the TV. He turned and edged along the wall, one hand pushed forward until his fingers jolted against a smooth surface. There he turned to face the room, tucked his head down and stepped away from solidness.

It took ages to get to the coffee table. Then he had to maneuver around it to get to the couch. Once he'd found the soft cushions he collapsed down on them. Even that small effort had exhausted him. He'd just turned on his side and curled his feet into the cushions when a there was a clatter from the kitchen and Seifer spoke. "Sleeping on the couch isn't any better than sleeping on the bed."

"Leave me alone," he snapped and tucked his head down further into the soft cushions.

He ignored the sound of a pan hitting the stove a little too hard and tried to blank his mind, an exercise he'd been taught to help push himself towards sleep. Might as well stop thinking now. It worked quicker than usual because he woke up to Seifer talking on the phone an undeterminable time later.

"-to lunch." Seifer was saying. "Maybe tomorrow. He's pulling in again... Of course I know. But you can't just coddle him. He'll end up resenting you." He was close, somewhere by the TV wall. "Damn tie." That was muttered as if he was saying it to himself. "No," he said louder "I've never been good at these things. So will tomorrow work? ... Good. I'll bring him on my lunch break. One? Alright."

Shoes were clipping on the floor, moving towards the kitchen. "Yeah, alright. You too."

After a minute when no more words were spoken, Squall tilted his head up. "Who was it?"

"Rinoa. We're all going to lunch tomorrow." Squall grunted and pushed himself up into a seated position. "I've got to get going. Breakfast is wrapped on the right side of the fridge. Lunch is on the shelf below that, also on the right side. Call me if you need something." Squall leaned against the back of the couch as Seifer walked back and forth through the house at a fast clip. Squall ran a finger along his watch's face: it was quarter-to-ten. "Cane is on the kitchen bar. Braille books are on my desk. Don't do anything stupid." And with that, the front door opened and closed. A minute later there was a sound of a car pulling out of the driveway.

And now he was alone. He hadn't been this alone since before the accident. There had always been someone nearby all the times. What if he had another panic attack? What if got lost somewhere? He knew the house was too small to get lost in, but the fear was still there. Darkness roiled a little closer.

Obviously he hadn't gotten over the trauma of the garden as well as he had thought.

He inhaled sharply then forced himself off the couch and trailed the furniture back to the wall, then to the bedroom and shower. He'd have to keep himself occupied if he wanted to forestall the dark thoughts lurking near the surface. Sefier would only be gone for a few hours. He just had to keep doing things until the other man got back and not think too closely on the damn separation anxiety.

The bathroom was small. He measured it off, making mental images of how close things were to each other, then stripped and made a tidy pile of his clothes on the sink cabinet.

He spent the time in the shower trying to remember who had washed his clothes in Esthar, and why the thought hadn't occurred to him before._ He_ certainly hadn't washed them, but he didn't have that many pairs of shirts and socks. Someone had picked up the pile he'd been throwing the dirty clothes into near the bed, washed them, and put them back into the room's dresser drawers. The cleaning staff hadn't been allowed in. Obviously it had been Laguna or Seifer.

After he'd angrily dried himself off, he edged back into the bedroom and found the closet. He would have preferred to stalk – stalking dispersed some anger at least – but he couldn't even do that anymore. Stalking around in an unfamiliar place was a good way to break his nose running into a wall. He knew; he'd tried it in Esthar. It was only luck that he hadn't _really_ broken his nose.

He dumped his clothes on the closet floor and pulled on some new ones. When he reached for a shirt he paused. Where did his shirts end and Seifer's begin? A hand run over all of them showed there was no space to distinguish. Finally he picked the shirt farthest to the left, knowing that at least that one would be his.

Once dressed, he stooped and felt at the pile of clothes on the closet ground. There was his he'd just dropped and another pile strewn about that must have been Seifer's clothes from yesterday. He gathered them all up, felt for any dropped articles, and then moved to find his way to the laundry closet. It was across from the kitchen. Easy enough.

Only it wasn't. He had to free a hand to feel the walls but that made him suspicious that he was dropping things from his one arm grip. And he'd unthinkingly freed his right hand while the wall was to his left. By the time he'd found the laundry closet he was sorry he'd even attempted it. He slammed the closet doors open and dropped the laundry on the machine in front of him. Then he put his elbows on the machine and leaned his head on his arms.

He didn't even know where the soap was or which direction the wash cycle was in. Why was he even trying to do this?

Feeling the helplessness creeping back in he lifted his head again and slowly felt along the machine to see which one was the washer. From there an exploration of the top of the machines led him to a shelf above them. There were two bottles, one large and one small, next to a wide box of dryer sheets. He was trying to decide which bottle to use when his fingers found something taped to the bigger bottle. Frowning, he turned the bottle so it faced him and ran one finger over the object. It was a piece of paper with indented bumps.

God, Seifer had labeled the bottle with a Braille card.

He shoved the bottle back and turned away. He left the clothes on the machine with the closet doors opened and crossed into the kitchen. He found the bar, realized the chairs were on the other side of the wall, cursed, and moved out of the kitchen and around to one of the bar chairs. He resisted the urge to push over the chairs and instead forced himself to feel around the counter. Nothing. Just the cane. He moved back to the kitchen and moved his fingers over the counters. He found one card by a light switch and a couple on the drawers underneath the counter and the cabinets above the counters. He didn't bothering trying to identify the indents and what they spelled.

He didn't appreciate the cards. He knew he should but he didn't. It was just more reminders of what he couldn't figure out on his own. He dug his nails into his palms and went back to the laundry closet, took the bottle down from the shelf and felt Seifer's word out.

S-O-A-S

Grinding his teeth, he felt the last letter again, compared it to the first letter and found his mistake.

S-O-A-P

Just to be sure, he felt along the other bottle on the shelf, but there was no card taped to it. He'd piled the clothes on the dryer so he opened the washer's lid and held the soap's cup so one of his fingers was inside its lip. He filled the cup full enough that his finger was immersed to the first knuckle and then reached down to poured it out into the machine. He wiped his finger on one of the clothes and pushed them into the machine. Finally he closed the lid and felt for the cycle knob. He found the Braille card just above the knob. It took him longer to decipher this card. He couldn't remember some of the letters but by the other letters in the words he decided it said 'Knob Up Pull Out'. It was the only wording that made sense.

He turned the knob so that the embossed arrow on one end of the knob was facing up and pulled it out. Immediately the washer started. He grimaced at it and shut the closet doors.

He went back to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. There were two shelves above two drawers. He took the plate that was on the top shelf on the right out before realizing he didn't know where the microwave was. Cursing, he felt along the cupboards above the cabinets with his free hand. Fortunately for his temper it was close to the refrigerator, above the stove. He shoved the plate in and fingered the pad next to the door. There was no way to tell which button was what. He slammed the door back open and took the plate back out so he could slam the door shut again. He'd just have to eat the damn thing cold. By the time he'd found the silverware drawer and a fork, ignoring the Braille cards, he was ready to dump it all in the sink and forget eating. Only his hunger made him set it on the bar and walk around to sit in a bar chair.

He ate the cold eggs and sausages methodically, dumped the dishes in the sink and went to stand in the middle of the bedroom. He'd done all that needed to be done. It had all taken maybe an hour. There was still five or six hours before Seifer would be back, if not more. What could he possibly do next?

He ended up lying on the bed.

The trick of blanking his mind didn't work this time. He couldn't stop thinking about the Braille cards Seifer had made. What kind of life was this? He couldn't do anything on his own anymore. He'd wanted to believe it when everyone said it would get easier but he knew it never would. This was his life now.

No, this wasn't living. It was only an existence. And all it did was put a burden on others.

Why hadn't they just let him die? He knew that if the doctors hadn't done anything, the shock would have killed him. He'd listened to the report they'd given Irvine and Quistis and could piece two and two together. It would have been easier on everyone if he had. Instead they had saved him and he hated them for it. He would have been content with his life if he had died that day.

As soon as that thought coalesced, another followed it. If he'd died that day he would have died knowing all he had done when he'd used the Guardian Forces to forget Seifer. He would have died before ever getting the chance to apologize.

No, he wouldn't have been content.

But he didn't want to live this way.

He tried to remember where his Gunblade had last been. You didn't have to see to fall on a blade. Or to cut. If he cut his wrist veins deep enough he'd be dead in an hour.

He didn't know where the Gunblade was.

An overdose of medicine would work as well.

But he didn't know if or where Seifer kept any.

There were always knifes in the kitchen.

Those might not cut deep enough.

He was making excuses. He wouldn't be able to kill himself. The very idea was revolting. He _wanted_ to live; he just didn't want to live this way.

When he realized he was crying, the anger snapped tight. He jerked upright and reached down for the boots he'd left beside the bed. He grabbed one and chucked it as hard as he could. It made an unsatisfying thump as it hit a wall. He grabbed the other, twisted, and threw it towards the open room. This time it hit something that tumbled to the floor with a crash. He leaped up and followed the sound. It led him to the desk along the wall. He shoved the chair out of the way and upturned it, then moved to the desk itself. The Braille books were right where Seifer had said they would be.

He threw his whole shoulder into chucking the books. But even throwing those didn't help. He swiped an arm across the desk and sent everything on it crashing to the ground. Something shattered. The sudden pain in his eyes stung as he stalked back to the bed, not even caring when he ran right into it. He shoved it as his breath sawed in and out and the top mattress dipped off the bottom one to tilt against the floor. The soft mattress didn't satisfy his sudden violence.

The closet was next. He tore the doors open, wrenching one off its slide. He pulled and its hinges broke. He let the door fall to the ground and dragged the shirts down and off their hangers. He dumped clothes out of their cubby holes from both sides. When they were empty he smashed a fist into one of the cubby holes wall. It crumpled outwards, yielding to his knuckles with little resistance.

He paused as he heard a sound. It was a sob. He was sobbing.

With a cry he collapsed down onto the pile of clothes and buried his face in them to muffle the sounds. But he couldn't stop the tears.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Seifer?"

Seifer tore his eyes away from the phone for the fifth time and glanced to the side at his assistant, Cody. "What is it?" he asked. Squall hadn't called once and he had no idea what the man was doing. Probably sleeping and unaware of Seifer's frantic worry, but all Seifer could picture was the brunette in trouble. What if he had cut himself on a knife looking for a fork? What if he'd slipped in the tub while taking a shower, hit his head, and drowned? What if he'd had left the house and got hit by a car? Or fallen over something and hit his head on the hardwood floor?

The possibilities were endless and Seifer was going crazy by the minute thinking of them.

Cody spoke again and Seifer forced his attention back on the man. "If you need to leave, I can cover anything else that comes in today. The meetings are all done for the day."

Seifer didn't have to think long. "I'll leave it to you then." He closed the file he had been trying to read, swiveled around to place it in its folder in the filing drawer and stood to grab his jacket. "Call me if anything important comes in. I'll be back in tomorrow morning otherwise."

Cody was nodding, still standing near the open doorway. Seifer left his bag, turned the light out and ushered Cody back so he could shut his door. "Remind me to give you a raise," he muttered as he shrugged his jacket on. Cody smiled and headed back to his own desk which was adjacent to Seifer's office's glass wall.

Seifer rushed out of the building and pulled his phone out. Images of Squall in a number of situations pounded through his head. He dialed Squall's phone and listened to the rings as he unlocked his car and got in. When the phone when to voice-message he cursed and started the car.

He reached the house in record time and dashed inside. "Squall!"

No answer came. The house stared back innocently. There was no body lying anywhere or puddles of blood. He shut the front door and dropped his keys on the table next to the door. He'd taken one step forward when he heard a cough from the bedroom, the kind of cough that grated on the vocal cords. It sounded painful.

"Squall?" He rushed towards the bedroom. The chaotic site that greeted him stopped him with one foot in and one foot out. It was a train-wreck. It looked like someone had attempted to rob him. Another grating cough pulled his eyes to the closet.

Squall was sprawled on the pile of clothes he must have torn from the closet with his face buried in his arms. Even by the door, Seifer could tell he was crying; crying much harder than Seifer had ever seen him do. This was beyond the tears in the hallway and in the Esthar gardens.

Squall coughed again as Seifer approached and knelt down next to him. This time Seifer could pinpoint why the coughs sounded so awful. It was the way some of the women he'd had as clients coughed after they'd cried. It was the kind of cough that threatened to bring up the contents of your stomach because you'd cried too violently for too long. "Squall," he murmured softly and set a hand on Squall's back. Squall turned his head to the side, away from Seifer. It freed his face from the pile of clothes and Seifer could suddenly clearly hear the whistling of his breath as he inhaled and exhaled wetly. "Shhh," he soothed helplessly. "Don't make yourself sick."

He flinched when Squall suddenly turned his head towards him. The red glassy eyes were a nightmare. "Please Seifer," Squall whispered, struggling to talk past the tears. "You have to end it."

Seifer's mind stuttered to a halt. "No," was all he could think to say. "No."

Squall turned his face back into the pile of clothes and started sobbing again.

Seifer sat staring at his back, frozen. He didn't know what to do. What was he suppose to say? He'd never seen Squall lose it like this. Never! He hadn't thought Squall _capable_ of losing it like this.

What had he done?

He got up and frantically rushed into the living room, fumbling his phone out of his pocket with shaking hands. He called Rinoa and paced into the kitchen as he waited for her to pick up. The dishes in the sink caught his eye as he paced in.

"Hello?" Rinoa suddenly said over the phone.

"Rinoa!" he gasped, "You have to come over. You have to help me! I don't know how to fix it. He's lost it and I don't know what to do. He's…" He turned and hurried out of the kitchen.

"Slow down. What happened? Is it Squall?"

"He's sobbing his fucking lungs out and I don't know how to make it stop." He looked in through the bedroom door again. Squall hadn't moved but he was still crying. Seifer turned away and paced into the living room. "If he doesn't stop he's going to make himself sick. You have to make him stop."

"Seifer, I'm at least two hours away. We're visiting Dylan's family."

He whirled in agitation and looked into the room again. "Goddamnit!"

"Look I'll start back. Try to get him comfortable and uh… I don't know; get some juice down him maybe?" The sorceress sounded at a loss. "Usually you just let them cry themselves out but with Squall I don't know. You're not pulling my leg right? It's kind of hard to imagine Squall..."

"Imagine seeing it," he snapped "He's freaking me the fuck out."

"Do what you think best. I'll be there in two hours."

"Wait-," he said, but she'd already hung up.

He snapped his phone shut and slipped it in a pocket. He ran a hand through his hair nervously and then stepped back into the bedroom. Nothing had changed. He cursed Rinoa silently and went over to sit down next to the brunette. "Squall? What's wrong?" Squall didn't answer. Seifer felt like the world was crumbling. He's seen Squall in a fury, he'd seen him maddingly calm, seen him frightened, seen him aroused, seen him playful, seen him grieving, seen him frustrated.

Never had he seen him so broken.

Seifer blinked at reflexive tears and carefully curled his hands around Squall's shoulders to pull the limp weight off the clothes pile and into his own lap. Squall didn't do anything to help him so he arranged the feet to rest to the side and tucked the brunette head under his chin, wrapping both arms around him for support.

Nothing changed.

He made soothing sounds and rubbed a hand along Squall's back. "Please stop crying," he murmured against Squall forehead. "Please." He rocked slightly and stared at the room's mess over Squall's head trying to think of what could have happened. He'd only been gone for two or three hours.

The sobs did eventually end to be replaced by silent tears. Those eventually dried out as well, as if Squall's body could no longer produce them. Then he just lay in Seifer's arms like a rag doll. When there had been sodden silence for a while, Seifer stood with Squall's weight and carried him out of the room to the living room couch. He leaned Squall up against one couch arm. "Stay awake for a second," he cautioned and then rushed to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and looked for juice. All he had was orange juice. It'd have to do. He pulled it out and poured a glass. He left the bottle on the counter and took the glass to Squall who had collapsed sideways onto the couch's arm.

Seifer sat and pulled him upright again. "Here. Drink this." He tipped the glass against Squall's lips. Squall tried to turn his head away but Seifer followed with the glass. The brunette let out a moan but took the glass from his hands. It trembled as he raised it and gulped the liquid down. Then he held it out and when Seifer took it he sagged into Seifer's side and rested his head on Seifer's shoulder.

Seifer leaned forward slightly to put the cup on the coffee table before leaning back. "Squall?" he asked softly.

"What?" Squall's voice was raw and low.

"It's going to be okay."

Squall's shoulders shifted and he inhaled heavily and for a moment Seifer thought he would start crying again. He didn't. Perhaps he simply didn't have any tears left to cry.

In five minutes he was asleep.

Seifer shifted Squall's weight onto his back on the cushions and stood up. He stood looking down at his face. He wanted to lean down and brush his lips against Squall's, wanted to reassure the brunette somehow that he was here. He hadn't done it when the man was awake. Now, with him asleep, it would just be wrong, a stealing of something not offered.

He sighed and went to the closet in the corner to grab a blanket. He spread this over Squall and then went to change out of his shirt. His collar and all of one shoulder was soaked and sticking to his skin unpleasantly. It took him a moment to find a shirt that wasn't soaked since Squall had torn them all down from the closet then wept all over them, but eventually he pulled one out from the bottom of the pile. He was buttoning up the shirt and surveying the damage to the room when there was a soft knock on the front door.

He started a little and glanced at his watch not really believing it had been two hours since he'd sat down and pulled Squall into his lap but his watch flashed the time up at him in confirmation. He glanced at the room again then went to get the door.

He opened it and put a finger to his lips in a shushing motion. Rinoa nodded and turned to wave at the car idling in the driveway. "Dylan?" he asked quietly as the car backed up and drove off down the street. He turned and shut the door behind them once Rinoa was in. She nodded to his question.

"How's he doing?" She caught sight of the brunette as she was speaking and walked over.

"He's asleep," he said needlessly as he followed her. Rinoa had knelt down by the couch and placed a palm against Squall's cheek. The brunette's face was swollen and dark bruises were forming under his eyes. "Just in the last five minutes."

Rinoa exhaled and leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on Squall's forehead. Seifer felt a flash of envy run through him. He squashed it down and looked away. "He did drink some juice." What gave Rinoa the right to do what he couldn't?

He looked back when Rinoa laid a hand on his arm. "You did fine Seifer," she said with a smile. "He probably just needed to get it all out. Knowing him, he's been holding it all in for weeks."

Put like that, the whole scene made more sense. Seifer glanced back down into Squall's face. Still…

"I'll give my arm and leg never to see it again," he muttered. Rinoa squeezed his arm before letting her hand drop away. "Rinoa?" he said, still looking at Squall. "How am I going to leave him alone? I was only gone a few hours and I came home to this." He turned away and crossed his arms. "I might have made a mistake bringing him here."

Rinoa was silent for a long time. She followed him when he took the empty cup to the kitchen and rinsed it out before capping the juice and putting it back in the fridge. Only after he'd decided to rinse the dishes in the sink did she finally speak up. "I don't know the answer Seifer. But I don't think this was a mistake either. Let's just see what happens next."

"He ate," he said and held the dishes up for evidence. "He got this out of the fridge, found a fork and ate."

"See?" she said. "That's already better than he was.

"Well he also did this," he said and led her to the bedroom.

"Oh," she said when she'd peeked in and he could tell she was at a loss for words. He couldn't help but laugh, a slight release from the afternoon's emotions. She tossed him a look and then stepped further in to pick up a book from the floor. Its pages were bent from being open on the ground. She flattened them and tried to close the book. "I've never known him to throw things," she said, looking around again.

Seifer stepped into the room as well. "Only when he's really upset." Rinoa looked at him sideways and he lifted one side of his mouth. "He threw a paperweight at me once. I ended up bleeding all over the bathroom sink." He ignored Rinoa's raised eyebrows and cleared his throat. "But no, I've never seen him go to this extreme."

Rinoa bent and picked up another book; pages fell out as she raised it. "Selphie says something similar happened in Balamb two weeks after the accident. He destroyed some furniture and gouged at the walls of his room with his Gunblade. They had to tackle him and wrestle the blade away before he stopped."

"I hid the Gunblade," he said, frowning. And it would stay hidden. He crossed to the bed and shoved it back up on its frame. He explained briefly what the scene had been when he'd come home as Rinoa helped him try to straighten the room, but he left out the part when Squall had asked him to end it. That would be between him and Squall tomorrow.

The desk lamp was cracked and the light bulb shattered. He coiled the cord around the base and set it to the side of the desk to deal with later. The books he took from Rinoa and set near the lamp. He'd have to look through them and see if any were still salvageable. The clothes would have to be washed.

He gathered up half and carried it to the laundry. When he opened the lid to the washer though there were clothes already loaded in. He frowned, dumped his armload to the ground and glanced towards the living room. Rinoa came out with the rest of the clothes in her hands but stopped when she saw his load on the ground. "What?" she asked.

Seifer looked up at the bottle of washer soap and saw it was pushed further back than it had originally been. He glanced over to Rinoa and nodded down at the washer. "I didn't put this load in."

Rinoa came over and looked in at the clothes. Then she caught sight of the taped card on the soap bottle. She reached a hand out and turned it so she could see it better. "Is this Braille? Did you put this on here?"

"Yes." Seifer opened the dryer and pulled the wet clothes over into it.

Rinoa laughed when he saw the Braille card taped above the washer knob. "That's wonderful," she said. She traced the bumps with her fingers and her smile faded again. "He can understand what these mean?"

"A little. It takes him a long time to put them together into words but he can."

Rinoa sighed and took her fingers away. "Hyne, I can't imagine starting my life all over again like that."

He had nothing to say to that so he started a new load of wash and motioned for Rinoa to put her load on the dryer's top. He closed the closet doors to mute the sound and headed back to the living room to check on Squall. The brunette hadn't moved an inch.

Rinoa's comment came back to him. _Knowing him, he's been holding it all in for weeks._

"He's not doing okay," he said. "He never was. We've been fooling ourselves."

AN: Hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. It was a tough one to write. Well I'm still hoping to get this story mostly done by the end of the year. Hopefully not long after the New Year. I've scheduled actual times to write during each week so hopefully that will help me get these chapters out faster. Cross your fingers. For any new readers, thanks for the views and favorites: seeing the high number of views always helps me smile! And for any readers that have been following for all these long years, thank you so much for sticking with me. Oh, I have changed my profile too so go check out that page and its spoils. :) As always reviews are greatly appreciated. Let me know what you think.

Best!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

He felt numb. There was no anger anymore. After his spectacular meltdown, there was just a hole of misery.

He didn't know if that was better or not.

"Here you go," Seifer said, and there was a click of a plate on the countertop. Squall lowered his face and picked up the fork that had been resting near his hand. Seifer had already told him it was pancakes he was making so he turned the fork and cut it down just past the edge of the plate. It met soft resistance before cutting through. He made a symmetric line a few inches to the side to make a triangle and the piece slid away from the rest of the mass. Then he carefully stabbed the piece and brought it to his mouth. There was already syrup on it. He didn't particularly want syrup that morning; without syrup he could have picked the pancake up with his fingers and eaten it without difficulty. But he didn't say anything. Instead he cut another symmetric piece.

There was the sound of another plate clicking on the counter and Seifer sitting in the chair next to him. There were three chairs at the bar but Seifer sat in the middle one, right next to him. Neither of them spoke. Squall wondered if they would sit and eat in silence the whole time but Seifer had hardly taken a bite or two before his phone rang a shrill note. There was a clatter as Seifer put his fork down and answered. "Almasy speaking."

It was his work. He only ever answered that way when the call was from the office. The blonde hadn't gone back to his office since Wednesday. He'd told his assistant to forward any calls to his phone and had brought a box of files home. He'd been working at the bar ever since. It was only luck that he hadn't had any meetings.

He hadn't left Squall alone once since Wednesday. Even Rinoa had been there Thursday when Seifer had gone in briefly to make arrangements for working from home. He hadn't left the house since. The blonde probably felt as trapped in this house as he did.

It'd been his fault. He'd caused it when he'd begged Seifer to kill him. It had changed the whole dynamics of their interactions. Seifer's tone and words had never changed but Squall could feel the tension in the air. Seifer was waiting for something; a suicidal attempt, another breakdown, something. He could feel the man's eyes on him constantly.

He was worrying for nothing. Squall wasn't going to kill himself. He hadn't even really meant it when he'd asked Sefier. He'd just wanted the pain to stop, just for a little while.

The ironic part of it all was that the pain _had_ lessened a little when Sefier had held him. Only slightly, but slightly was better than nothing.

That was the problem.

"Done already?" Seifer asked, suddenly off the phone again.

Squall realized he was staring ahead, his fork and food forgotten. He stopped leaning on the back of the chair and nodded. He didn't know how much food was left on the plate but he didn't care. He wasn't hungry anymore. He got off the chair, trying not to bump Seifer, and paced the three steps to the couch.

If the bar had become Seifer's desk, the couch and coffee table had become his. He briefly touched the two books aligned with the left top corner and the stack of index cards in the left bottom corner as he sat. They hadn't been moved since the night before. Of course not. Seifer wouldn't move them from their now sedentary places.

The TV remote was in the right top corner. Seifer had thought maybe listening to the TV could give him something to do, but he hardly ever touched it. And he never moved towards the left bottom corner and what was set there. He sighed and sank back into the cushions, listening to Seifer finishing his own pancakes. There were bird sounds underneath the house noises. Seifer had opened a window earlier for some reason.

After a moment he reached for the index cards. The trick to getting through the day was to always stay busy. He'd mastered the alphabet but he went through each card again rather than attempting the Braille books. Recognizing the letter was one thing; putting them together into words and then sentences was another. So he just flipped through the cards and then did it again, shuffling them each time he reached the first letter again.

He didn't know how long he did it before they were suddenly taken away, pulled from his lack grasp.

"You know the letters now. Stop shuffling them and feel words instead."

He must have been annoying Seifer with the noise of the shuffling every minute. Seifer took the cards with him as his presence shifted away, back to the bar chairs. That left the books. Squall licked his lips and reached for the top one. Only two out of the six that Laguna had given him had survived Wednesday. The others had disappeared, probably in the garbage. The two that had survived were the two fictional stories. He set the top on his lap and fingered the embossed bubbles that spelled out the title on the cover. When he had pieced the first word together to spell 'Dark', he could match the word to the title he knew it correlated with: Dark Noon. It was the thriller.

Squall had never read a fictional book before in his life. He'd never seen the point.

"Almasy speaking."

Squall wanted to put the book aside and go sit by Seifer. He wanted to lean against Seifer's shoulder. It was what he would have done in Esthar. But he'd told himself he wouldn't. Seifer didn't deserve to be used that way.

_You've been using him for four weeks, why stop now?_

He stretched and put the book back on top of the other on the coffee table's corner. Had there ever been a time when he hadn't used Seifer? Or Rinoa? Laguna was mixed in there too. He'd used them all to get what he wanted. Did they even realize the extent of his disregard for their feelings?

He'd known. He'd always known what he was doing. He felt disgusted with himself.

It was not a new feeling. There had been a lot of time to think in the last few days. He'd driven himself away from thoughts of helplessness, but that had herded him into thinking of the past and all the choices he'd made that had led him to where he was.

Would Rinoa have met someone sooner if they hadn't decided to play everyone for a fool? Would she have wasted a year of her life if they hadn't? He knew she wouldn't have.

What would have happened if he'd asked Seifer to go back to Balamb with him? Or stayed in Esthar instead of leaving alone? Where would the two of them be now? Would they have lasted or would he have ended up back at Balamb a year later with nowhere else to go? Would he have been accepted back? Would they have looked at him with contempt and loathing for his preference?

But none of that had happened. He hadn't let it.

He'd found happiness, and had then given it away like it wasn't enough.

He heard Seifer end his call and huff out a breath, muttering something to himself as he started typing something on his computer.

The blonde was not hiding his feelings very well. Or he wasn't trying to hide it at all. Squall wasn't sure which. But he realized that Seifer was still holding on to feelings for him. He ran a fingernail over his forearm. He'd known that for a while too. Since Balamb really, as soon as Seifer had rushed into his apartment suite and pulled him into a hug. And when he'd led Squall to the train with an arm around his waist. And when he'd commented on his cut hair. Not to mention all those little touches in Esthar. There had been plenty of warning.

He'd had seen them all. He'd been trained to see them all. Or… well, he couldn't see them anymore. But he could still hear changes in tone, and sense the tension in the air if Seifer was in the same room. He could still feel how relaxed Seifer's muscles were when they were touching. He could still count the times Seifer initiated close contact himself.

He'd known.

He dug his fingernail down a little harder. Then, realizing Seifer was only four steps away, he took his hand away and crossed his arms.

He'd been trained his whole life to always be aware of what was going on around him. He'd been trained to always act accordingly. This time he hadn't. He'd ignored that he might put Seifer into a compromising situation by constantly being around the man. He'd ignored that he was again using Seifer.

He'd ignored that he might hurt the blonde again.

And he'd ignored it because he didn't want to be alone with his blindness. He'd disregarded the blonde's feelings, again.

They had all thought the war had changed him. That his companions had changed him. His companions had thought Rinoa had changed him. Rinoa had thought Seifer had changed him. _He'd_ thought at one point that he had changed.

He'd never changed. He was the same indifferent bastard he'd always been. It had been his armor. He just hadn't realized he'd never taken it off. It felt like it was melded to his skin now; who knew what would happen if he tried to tear it off any time soon.

He wasn't interested in even trying. He wanted it now more than ever. He couldn't be vulnerable, not while he was fighting against the darkness that surrounded him. It had already gotten too close too many times.

"You okay?" Seifer asked suddenly and Squall realized he was gripping his arms too tightly. They were shaking with the strain. He exhaled slowly and released his grip, nodded. "Well stop thinking about whatever you're thinking about," Seifer said before his keyboard started clicking again.

He didn't understand why Seifer still cared. Not after what he had done. Would he have forgiven Seifer had he done the using instead? Would he do the same thing if he had to make the choice again?

Yes.

The thought hit him hard, but he immediately knew it was true. His choice had been decided before he'd ever gone to Esthar. Besides he and Seifer would never have worked if he'd stayed. He would have eventually resented not going back to Balamb and it would have destroyed them. The only thing he would do differently would be to not use the Guardian Forces and forget.

Seifer could still care about him, but that didn't mean he had forgiven him. Squall refused to believe that such a thing was possible. He hardly deserved it.

Seifer didn't deserve to be used like Squall had used him. So he wouldn't. He'd take care of himself.

He'd make this better.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer paused in his email and glanced up when he saw Squall move in the corner of his eye. The brunette had reached for the remote. It was an action never taken before and it made Seifer wonder what had caused it. Fingers tentatively traced the remote before the brunette finally held it up and pushed the only button Seifer had shown him on it. The television clicked on.

"-crazy?! You could have killed us with that stunt of yours!"

"Baby, I knew what I was doing."

"Take me back right now."

The volume was low enough to not be a nuisance. Squall's eyebrows drew down a little anyways. Seifer helped him out. "Channel button's halfway down on the right side. It's long and skinny."

Squall didn't turn towards him in the slightest, just trailed his finger along the remote's face again, until he found it.

"-sunny for the next week with a possible rain shower over the weekend. Low tonight will be in the fifties and will hold fairly consistent for the next few days before the nights cool off a little. It looks as if the warm weather will stick this week."

Seifer glanced up again when Squall turned his face to the open window, near the front door. The sun was throwing bright light in but of course Squall couldn't see it. He chewed his lip and watched as Squall got up and edged towards the window. He'd never gone specifically to the window before this so his steps were hesitant, uncertain of the distance. Out of habit Seifer found himself counting the steps as Squall took them.

When Squall reached the window he fingered the open frame and then leaned down slightly to put his elbows on the sill and lean out a little. The light immediately bathed his face. It must feel nice. That black shirt looked nice on Squall too.

Seifer tore his eyes away from Squall's backside and turned back to his email. The news played on in the background.

He finished the email and sent it off. Glen's hearing would be in three weeks. Too soon. He closed the file he'd been looking through before the email and set it on the pile he'd pulled from the box.

One file was threatening to fall out and scatter. He pulled it out and was about to put it on the top when he caught sight of his label on the tab. It was the file he'd put together on the Dollet Misson accident. The mission Squall had lost his sight on. He hesitated, but after a moment opened the file and flipped through the papers he'd collected. It had been a while since he had gone through it. Since before bringing Squall to Esthar.

He set the file down and glanced over at Squall again. The brunette was still standing at the window, warming himself in the sun and thinking who knows what. Seifer looked back down at the file.

The case didn't matter. He knew he'd never find anything to point an accusatory finger at someone. It had simply been a freak accident. And he had better things to do than try to find evidence where there was none; getting Squall rehabilitated to his new life for one.

He put the file on the bottom of the pile and nudged the stack of Braille letters he'd made Squall back in Esthar, further away on the counter. The ex-Commander knew them by heart now. He'd accomplished it quicker than Seifer had expected. By how much he'd been struggling a few days ago, it was incredible.

Maybe his meltdown on Wednesday had helped. Maybe it had washed out all the mind blocks the younger man had set against the idea of needing to learn Braille. It had certainly changed something. The air around Squall was clearer now. Before there had always seemed to be a curtain of anger covering anything he said or did. Now, he just seemed resigned.

The difference was so apparent that Seifer hadn't brought up Squall's desperate request. Squall wasn't acting suicidal. And he didn't want to bring up anything that could send him curtailing back into anything remotely related. So he'd left it alone and instead let the worry eat at him.

He snagged his phone up when it beeped. It was a message from Rinoa.

- Hey. So Dylan's at work and I'm bored. Mind if I drop by for an hour? -

He sent a 'Sure, Why not?' back and set the phone back on the counter. Maybe he could get Squall out to the front yard. He was obviously enjoying the sun on his face because he hadn't moved from the window.

"Thanks Jen. On a more fascinating note, it looks as if media on Mr. Leonhart and Mr. Almasy has come to a screeching halt this week."

Seifer whirled towards the TV just as Squall's head jerked up and smacked into the underside of the window. He stumbled back with a curse, his hands covering his head as if to comfort the hurt as Seifer leapt up.

His first thought was to get to the remote and turn the TV off but he paused after a step, staring at the picture behind the anchor. Squall had been facing the camera and any observer could see the cloudy swirls that his irises had become. But Seifer knew that most observers would not be paying attention to Squall's eyes. They would be looking at his and Squall's linked hands. He'd been behind Squall, looking away, but their hands were in plain view.

It must have been taken that last week in Esthar. How the hell had the camera gotten that close without him realizing it? The picture expanded and filled the screen as the anchor continued to talk. Seifer couldn't tear his eyes away from it. "-disappeared with no trace. President Loire refuses to comment. For now there is only speculation as to the men's whereabouts." Squall's fingers were curled around his knuckles gently, their palms turned toward each other's. It didn't look like the grip of a blind man letting another lead him by the hand. The grip was much more intimate than that.

The public could add it to their pile of news clippings and speculations.

He hated the media.

"It's been quoted that Mr. Leonhart _will_ be attending the World Council in three weeks. Thousands of polls have gone up online debating whether or not we will see Mr. Almasy in attendance or not." The picture contracted back to its corner and Seifer blinked. The words he'd heard processed and he took two long strides to the couch to snatch the remote up and power off the traitorous device.

Squall was still standing where he'd stumbled back from the window. He was half turned towards the TV with one hand still held to his head. "Well," Seifer said into the sudden silence.

Squall's brows drew down as he turned toward his voice, lowering his hand. There was half a glare threatening in his expression. "What else do they know?"

Seifer set the remote back into its new place, on the top left corner of the coffee table. "Anything in the public record." He straightened and scowled. "Is it true then that you're going to that council meeting?" the man faced away and rubbed a hand along one arm. "Seriously?"

Squall shifted his weight and walked to the couch. He didn't answer until he'd sat. Stalling. "I'm still on the council."

"So resign. Who gives a fuck about them?"

Squall's face turned back to his. "I do," he said coldly.

"Why?" he asked incredulously. "They're a bunch of bastards."

Squall's face tightened slightly. He leaned back into the cushions further. "The council is where the changes are made."

Changes? What was Squall trying to change? He was about to ask when the doorbell rang. Squall flinched at the unexpected noise. Some things still hadn't gotten better. Loud sounds were one of them.

Seifer dropped his arms and went to answer the door. It would be Rinoa. Maybe she could talk sense into the brunette. Going to a council meeting was _not_ healthy in Squall's condition. Anyone could see that.

When he drew the door open with a swing of the arm he came face to face with the Messenger girl. "Hello!" she squealed and barreled past him.

"Hey!" he barked, turning and following her with his eyes. Why the hell was she in his house? She was like a kid with sticky fingers; you couldn't trust her to touch anything. His eyes widened when he saw what she was hauling in her arms. And she was headed straight for Squall. He opened his mouth but Tilmitt leapt the last few feet as if she knew he was going to ruin it and dumped her bundle into Squall's lap.

After that there was a mess of thrashing limbs and puppy squeaks. The image of Squall trying to get away from the puppy left him staggering against the door as laughter threatened to choke him. Squall managed to push the fuzzy black ball away across the couch cushions but then drew his hands back with a disgusted cry as the puppy started licking his fingers. Then it was in his lap again, bouncing around and sniffing at his knees and stomach.

Seifer's laughter died as he turned towards the still open door and the three people walking up his driveway.

"No," he said. "Not fucking happening."

Trepe only looked at him from behind the box she was carrying. "You told me you wanted Squall's things. Well here they are." Kinneas and Dincht were glowering at him from behind the once instructor.

Seifer pushed his palms against his doorframe's edges, creating a physical barrier. "Set them on the ground and be on your merry way. You're not coming in."

A shriek from Selphie came from behind him as something crashed against the ground.

"Don't touch anything!" he snapped, twisting to see what Tilmitt had destroyed. Trepe used the opportunity to push the box into him. It pushed him back a step and she slithered through the opening. Kinneas and Dincht were right behind her.

He grunted as Kinneas shoved the box he'd been carrying into his stomach. His arms came up instinctively to catch the box as the sniper scampered to where Squall was holding the dog as far away from himself as possible by its collar.

"Squall! Hyne, tell me you're okay." He plucked the dog from Squall's grip and pushed it at Selphie before pulling Squall up from the couch and gripping his shoulders. Selphie crowded behind him, rambling about seeing-eye dogs. Dincht was a few feet away demanding to know who Seifer thought he was.

It was too much. Seifer saw it the moment Squall's equilibrium shattered.

He shoved the handed-off box at the intolerable blonde and ran for Squall who had cringed back away from Irvine and Selphie. He had a hand half raised as if to ward off the explosion of noise in front of him and a step back tripped him into the couch's arm. He collapsed backwards and down onto the soft surface, gave a choked off whine and covered his ears with his hands.

By that point, Seifer had reached the cowboy and the Messenger Girl. He shoved them both out of the way with a growl and turned to stand in front of Squall. "Back off!"

For a wonder they did, all looking shocked. He turned and knelt, and gently set a hand on one of Squall's. It clenched tighter as he pulled it away from Squall's ear. "Shhh, everything's fine. It's me." He pushed his fingers between Squall's to get a better grip. After a moment, he felt the hand muscles trapped in his hand relax slightly. A shaky breath whistled out as the brunette unclenched his jaw.

"Is… um… everything okay here?" a hesitant voice said at the door. All eyes except Squall's whirled to face the intruder. Rinoa shied back a step in the open doorway at the five intense stares. "Oh…" she said, trailing off as she really took in the crowded living room and who all was in it.

The floodgate of noise broke again. Dincht and Trepe both exclaimed and leapt for the raven haired women, while Kinneas goggled. Selphie was nowhere in sight.

He cursed. Squall's breathing accelerated and his fingers tightened in Seifer's as he forced his hand back to his ear. Seifer moved closer and pried Squall's hands away from his ears again. "Don't try to focus on all of it," he warned. Squall wasn't listening; the grey orbs were darting back and forth, trying to keep track of all the sounds surrounding them.

Seifer shoved Squall's hands down and took hold of the man's shoulder to shake him a little. "Squall, focus on me. They'll figure themselves out. Don't let it overwhelm you. Come on, just listen to my voice." Grey orbs finally settled forward. Squall's jaw clenched and his throat closed but he nodded jerkily. Seifer pulled Squall up to his feet and wrapped an arm around him. "Just me. Focus on me. Can you hear my boots? Can you focus on that," he asked as he started walking them towards the bedroom.

Squall shook his head tightly. He was doing something odd; trying to sidle in close but at the same time trying to keep his distance, like was telling himself to back off then forgetting and doing it all over again. Whatever the reason, it was pulling Seifer off balance as he tried to keep the man next to him.

"Where are you taking him?" Kinneas said, suddenly in front of them.

Squall shied back into Seifer's side at the cowboy's furious voice and stuck for a moment, pulling Seifer to a halt as well. Kinneas took a step forward, raising a hand. Seifer wanted to scream. Couldn't he just get the brunette out the fucking room? This was _his_ house. "Get out of the way," he growled, smacking Kinneas' hand away before it could grab on to Squall.

"The fuck I will. Where are you taking him?"

"Irvine," Rinoa said, and suddenly she was there too, setting a hand on the man's arm. "Squall needs quiet for a moment. Leave him alone." She tugged on the cowboy's arm hard enough to pull him to the side and Seifer used the opening to shove passed. He'd smack the bastard around later. At the moment he was only concerned with getting the door between Squall and the mess in this room.

He tightened his grip on Squall and hauled him the last few steps to the bedroom. Once in, he shut it behind them and in the sudden quiet could hear the way Squall was breathing through his nose; hard and quick.

"Shit," he muttered and, more gently, helped Squall to the bed. He sat the brunette down on the edge then sat a little further up the bed so that he was close enough Squall would know he was there but not close enough to get in the way.

It didn't take long. A few steadying breaths, a deep inhalation, and Squall's shoulders loosened a little. All he'd needed was a little quiet.

What the hell had the groupie been thinking, barging in and creating a fucking noise bomb? It just took a little common sense to realize that Squall's hearing was extremely heightened now. And after weeks of being around only a few people at a time, any crowd would seem like a train rushing next to you.

Squall sighed softly and rubbed a hand a hand briefly through his short hair.

"It'll be worse than that if you go to the world council," Seifer finally said, unable to stay quiet. Squall jerked his head around and glared. "You need to think carefully about what you're going to put yourself through." The brunette's glare turned into a scowl and he looked away again. Seifer stood. "Think you can handle your troupe now?" Squall grimaced but nodded. "Good. Now get them out of my house."

The mattress creaked as Squall stood. But he didn't move towards the door. "Whatever happened to Raijin and Fujin?" he asked out of the blue. "I haven't seen them since… the war."

Seifer felt a flash of anger and worry spike through him. "Neither have I," he said and left to walk to the bedroom door.

"Seifer?"

Squall's call stopped him halfway across the room. He looked back over his shoulder. "What?"

"You really haven't seen them since the Pandora?"

"No."

The implications seemed to hit Squall like a wall. He sat back onto the bed, his mouth opening once before closing and locking tight. Seifer sighed and rubbed a hand through his own hair. "Look, they probably ran off, started a new life. It's no big deal." Or they were dead. Searching had gotten him nowhere.

Squall spoke hesitantly. "What have you been doing for the last two years then? I thought…" He trailed off.

Seifer shifted his weight to his right foot, suddenly knowing why the news had been so devastating to Squall. "Thought that I was with them having picnics or something? No. It was just me once you left." The words came out dully. Perhaps he should feel some anger at Squall for assuming that he'd be fine once the brunette ran off. There had been anger, but now it just didn't matter. It was the past. It was gone and done with.

He eyed Squall for a moment, trying to analyze the look on his face. What was the brunette thinking? He hadn't missed the way Squall had looked towards him occasionally in the last few days with that same look. He didn't know what Squall was trying to decide, but he was obviously trying to come to some decision. He thought maybe he had an inkling of what.

"No," he said again. "It was just me. Occasionally there were a few other guys." Squall jerked straighter, eyes flashing back up towards Seifer. Seifer smiled at the reaction and went on. "Only three or four. I think I liked Jason the best."

Squall's mouth worked but he didn't answer. Seifer grinned in triumph. There it was. It was obvious in the tense shoulder, the slight redness to Squall's neck, and the way his eyes darted away to face towards something else.

Squall Leonhart was jealous.

After a moment Squall stood up again. "That's… that's good." He strangled out before taking his eight steps to the doorway. Seifer followed behind trying not to laugh in victory. He knew it. He knew Squall still held _some_ feelings. The blindness had just gotten in the way. Now that he was handling it a little better, the feelings were easier to see.

The thought instantly sobered him. The blindness was still there. It could still get in the way. He'd have to be careful pulling stunts like that. Who the hell knew what would happen if he pushed Squall into a corner.

Hyne, he fucking hated this tiptoeing around; all because of a damn disability. He'd never wanted to associate with the disable before for that very reason.

But Squall was Squall. Even with a disability.

He stopped Squall with a hand on the shoulder before he opened the door. "You know, none of them worked out. Not even Jason." No pushing Squall in a corner, right? Well this wasn't pushing. He took Squall's other shoulder and turned him around. "I kept comparing them to you."

Squall's eyes were slightly wide, like he couldn't believe Seifer was doing this.

Seifer plowed on. "They never matched up to what we had. It would never have worked out. Not for more than a fling." _He_ wasn't sure why he was doing this now. Maybe because Kinneas and the troupe were on the other side of the door. Maybe because of that picture that he'd seen on the news. Maybe because Squall really did seem to be doing better. "You've damaged any chance I had to meet someone else. Doesn't that mean you owe me?"

He could see Squall was trying to come up with something to say and failing. He didn't want Squall to say anything. He took his hands off Squall's shoulder and instead reached up to cup the brunette's cheeks. Squall shied back into the door and Seifer followed, stepping closer. Squall was about to open to his mouth, finally having come up with something to say, when Seifer leaned in and pressed his lips to Squall's.

The brunette made a small sound. Seifer couldn't tell if it was protest, surprise or something else, but Squall didn't turn his mouth away. He pulled back, leaving the kiss chaste. Just a gentle touch.

Squall's eyes were closed. He was standing very still. His lips were just the tiniest bit slick from the kiss. Seifer leaned in again. He kept the second kiss as short as the first and finally stepped back. He wouldn't be able to keep a third gentle. He took his hands away from smooth cheeks.

He'd freaked Squall out. The brunette opened his eyes and stared ahead. His chin trembled once before he tightened his jaw. So Seifer didn't say anything. He pulled Squall away from the door and opened it, stepping out into the living room, and left the door open a crack.

Squall just needed to absorb it all.

Rinoa had corralled everyone onto the couch and was standing before the coffee table with her hands on her hips. She must have given them a thorough lecture because all four looked abashed and guilty. They looked at him when he stepped out. He schooled his expression, hoping he didn't look as triumphant as he felt.

Feeling a breeze, he looked down the hall and saw the back door wide open. Must have been where the Messenger Girl had taken the dog, which was now in her lap. He strode over and closed it with a thud, before walking back out into the living room and crossing his arms. Squall hadn't come out of the bedroom yet.

"Is Squall okay?" Trepe finally asked when Seifer didn't say anything.

"He'll be out in a minute," he answered. Irvine was staring at him with dark eyes. He ignored the look and faced Tilmitt. "Tell me that dog is yours." It was not a question.

The small woman looked down at the black puppy she was holding and back up, as if she couldn't believe he was dumb enough to ask. "Of course not Seify! He's for Squall. It's a seeing eye dog."

"That's _not_ a seeing eye dog."

"It was in training to be one," Selphie defended. The rest of the group was looking everywhere else as if they couldn't be bothered to intervene on the matter.

It was moot to argue with the woman. "Well so nice of you to think of us, but we're not keeping it."

"Us?" the cowboy repeated. "He's not yours, you know."

"Well, he's certainly not yours," Seifer shot back.

Kinneas glowered. "Does he know you're saying shit like that?"

"Yes, Irvine," _he _said, stepping through the bedroom door. Seifer glanced over his shoulder and took a step to the side, out of the way. Squall took a few steps into the room and paused, ending up two steps ahead of where Seifer was standing. He continued. "Since I am in Seifer's house, in context we become an us. It's just grammar."

Kinneas flushed and inhaled before speaking again. "I apologize, Squall, for making so much noise. I should have known better. Are you all right?"

"Fine."

There was an awkward silence that Rinoa finally broke. "Well, I'm sure you all want to talk to Squall so Seifer and I will leave you to it. Seifer?" He stared at her and she raised her eyebrows. She motioned to the two boxes near the door. He grumbled then glared at the four SeeD as he picked them up and led Rinoa towards the bedroom. For some reason Tilmitt followed them. "Scram," he snapped as she skipping into his room with the puppy.

She did, _after_ putting the puppy on his bed.

She was out before he could snarl at her.

"Who the hell goes to buy a Seeing Eye dog and comes out with a puppy instead?" he asked the room.

"Selphie does," Rinoa answered as she shut the bedroom door. Seifer stalked to the bed and sniffing pup and picked it up. It yipped and kicked its hind paws, its tongue wagging. He grimaced and set it on the ground. It immediately started sniffing his boots.

"Do you know how much dogs shit?" he asked.

Rinoa ignored the question and went to the boxes he'd set on the desk. He sighed and nudged the puppy aside before joining her. The first box held the rest of Squall's clothes, which wasn't much. At the bottom was the leather jacket and pants Squall had used to wear. Seifer tugged the jacket out and fingered the fur collar. This was what Squall had worn in Time Compression when he'd kissed him for the first time.

He was still fingering the collar when Rinoa opened the second, bigger box and started pulling out stacks of framed awards. "He kept these all hidden away in his drawer," she said, going through the array briefly. "Never bothered to put them up or look at them."

Seifer made a noncommittal noise and set the jacket to the side of his desk. Gunblade cleaning oils were the next to come out, followed by an array of folders full of papers. Seifer took possession of those and flipped through. The first was full of material on sorceress. There were two or three full of papers and notes on memory. Seifer furrowed his brows and scanned the top page in the first. It was about the connections made in the brain, how cells process sight and store them, and that memory only existed if there was a connection. Rinoa had said Squall had remembered his past actions a week before he left on the mission to Dollet. Now he knew what the brunette had been doing.

He flipped to the last file. It looked like personal papers. What caught his eye were the two pictures lying on top of the papers in front. He pulled them out and tugged the bottom one out. It was a picture of him.

They had gone to the lake that day and sat on the cliffs overlooking the salt waters. It had been Seifer's camera they'd taken but Squall had refused to have his picture taken. So Seifer had taken a picture of himself, grinning broadly and had given the hardcopy to Squall later that night. He hadn't realized Squall had kept it.

"Seifer?" Rinoa asked.

He blinked then slowly put the files on the desk with his picture on top staring up. Rinoa glanced at it as he set it down. He cleared his throat. "What else is there?"

Rinoa eyed him in a critical way but answered. "His ring and necklace." She held them up. Griever glinted in the sunlight peaking through the window as it swung from her grip. Seifer reached up and fingered it then opened his palm as she motioned to give it to him. When she'd placed them in his hand he twisted the chain and let it hang from his own fingers. He wondered when Squall had stopped wearing them. They'd been in evidence when they'd been in Esthar after the war.

There was a bark near his feet and a black fuzz leapt at the necklace. The pup only made it a foot off the ground before falling back on its hind legs. Seifer tucked the necklace and ring into his pocket and stared down at the dog as it bounced around and between his feet.

"Does Leonhart even like animals?"

Rinoa was breaking down the boxes. She shrugged. "He handled Angelo okay."

"You still have her?" he asked, reaching down and picking the puppy up. It wriggled in his hands happily as he turned it this way and that. It was female and spotless. Wherever she'd been before, they'd treated her well.

"Yes," Rinoa replied as she tucked the broken down boxes under arms and looked at him and puppy. "You know, the puppy is most likely house trained already. It won't make a mess in the house."

"Just in the backyard." He replied, tucking the puppy under his arm and glancing back up. "I'm not interested in taking care of its shit, Rin, wherever it is."

She smiled. "Well… I could always come over and take care of that. I do it every week anyways for Angelo."

He eyed her. "Why would you want to?"

She shrugged. "You have to go back to work eventually, Seifer. You can't work from your kitchen indefinitely."

He scowled. "So?"

"Well, it would give Squall something to do."

"I doubt this is what he'd have in mind." The puppy had twisted and started licking his fingers under its belly. He clucked its chin up with a finger to get it to stop.

Rinoa shrugged again. "Just a thought. Let him hold it for a time and see what he does."

He glanced at the pile of things now piled on his desk, shrugged and moved towards his bedroom door. "Ten dollars says that he throws it across the room."

Rinoa laughed as she followed. "Seriously?"

"Well…" he amended "pushes it away at least."

He caught her grin as he opened the door. "Alright," she said, taking the bet.

When they stepped into the living room Squall was seated on the couch with Kinneas next to him. Trepe and Dincht were sitting in his bar chairs and the blonde woman wasn't _quite_ snooping at his work, still open and spread across the cabinet. She was eying the spread papers however. Timlett was sitting innocently on the ground besides the coffee table, flipping through one of the Braille books.

Trepe was the first to notice their entrance. "Seifer," she said and waved at his counter. "What is all this?"

"None of your business," he said. He stalked over with the puppy still in hand and shut his computer. He placed it on top of the pile of files to keep curious hands from slipping one out.

"Those are case files." Trepe continued as if she hadn't heard him.

He didn't answer her. Rinoa did. "Seifer is a lawyer."

There was dead silence. Seifer avoided the startled stares and walked to the couch and Squall. "Here. You hold it." The ex-Commander tilted his face up slightly in silent question, his face never fully turning towards him. His neck was still a little red. Seifer wondered if the brunette was thinking about the kiss.

Seifer placed the puppy on Squall's knees and smiled as he leaned back into the cushions away from it. It teetered on the man's knees before finding firmer ground on his thighs. Then it pushed up and put its front paws on Squall's chest, its small tail whipping back and forth.

Squall's voice sounded strained when he spoke. "Selphie, I'm not keeping the dog."

"Ah come on, Squally!" The petite woman whined, looking up from the Braille book. "If you don't, I'll have to take it back to the trainers. She'd be much happier with you."

The pup wagged it tail harder as if agreeing, almost overbalancing itself. One of Squall's hands came up to keep it from falling, resting lightly against its fur. Seifer looked down at the two then glanced at Rinoa and raised an eyebrow.

She shrugged.

He turned back. "Well. Now that you've brought the boxes and had your get together, I'd like my house back."

Kinneas looked like he wasn't going to budge but Trepe, at least, seemed to realize they'd intruded for long enough. She slid off the bar chair. "Well Squall, I'm glad you're doing okay. I'll be sure to see you at the council."

"You can always come back to Balamb you know," Kinneas said. He was looking at Seifer when he said it.

Seifer walked to the door and pulled it open, trying to make his desire as loud as possible. They made him wait as they each gave Squall a hug. Seifer was almost proud of the gunbladist for suffering through all four. He was holding the puppy awkwardly in one hand against his pectoral muscle where it was watching the events with liquid brown eyes.

Trepe walked over as the others were saying their goodbyes. "Squall still has his convertible in the Balamb parking garage. And he had a bookcase for of books. Some of his furniture looks to have been bought and not Garden issued too."

"Just store them somewhere," he said, paying more attention to how close Kinneas was standing to Squall, a hand on his shoulder.

Dincht was next. "Look," he said, standing in front of Seifer and looking angry that he had to look up. "I realize this was his choice. And maybe…" he stopped and blushed a bright red then cleared his throat. "Well…"

Kinneas finished for him. "Hurt him and we'll kill you. I have no qualms of shooting you in the back."

Seifer swallowed his snide comment back. He opened the door wider. If they thought he was out to hurt Squall, they knew less than he thought they might.

"Selphie, wait." That was Squall. He was edging after the woman who was walking towards the door as well. He held the puppy out a little. "Selphie."

The brunette women ignored Squall and leapt at Seifer, wrapping her arms around him. "It was good to see you, Seify!"

He grimaced and pushed her back. "Please don't call me that."

She grinned up at him. "You two deserve each other," she said and her voice was a little more serious this time. She half turned as Seifer inhaled sharply. "Bye Squall. I'm glad you're letting Seifer help."

Squall didn't seem to process what she'd said. He'd edged another few steps forward. He was almost to the door, still carrying the puppy. "Stop. Selphie, I can't keep this," he held the dog up slightly towards her. "It's yours. You bought it."

"I bought it for you, silly," she said, and then she was gone out the door.

Squall's hands lowered slowly and the puppy rested up against him again. "Shit," he muttered.

Seifer's mouth quirked up on its own. The brunette must have a soft spot for the obnoxious woman. Usually there weren't many people who could get away with what she had just done. "Door's still open. Three more steps and you can toss it out after her," he said.

Squall frowned and Rinoa laughed. Seifer shut the door.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall tried to hold the puppy still. It was an impossible task.

He'd been trying to see what type of dog it was by running his fingers over it, checking the ears to see if they were pointed or not, how long the tail was, how muscular its legs were. _It_ seemed to think he wanted to play. He picked it up off his lap finally and dropped it lightly on the couch next to him.

He could hear it sniffing as the cushions moved slightly under its weight. He sighed out as it seemed to find something interesting on the other side of the couch, and leaned back.

He'd just have to have Seifer take it back. Wherever that was. It'd been much easier to get rid of presents from Selphie or Laguna before.

Thoughts of the blonde sent him spiraling into the memory of the kiss earlier.

"Alright," Seifer suddenly said. "Fine." He'd been whispering with Rinoa in the kitchen for a while but they must have finished now. He heard Seifer's keys rattle.

"Where are you going?" he asked, sitting up a little.

"Off to get a share of Angelo's dog food," was the response.

He completed the motion and sat up the rest of the way. "You want to keep it?" he asked incredulously.

"Whether or not we do, we have to feed it tonight."

Well… fine. That made sense. Still, Seifer was going to _Rinoa's_ place to get the food. That meant Rinoa wanted to talk to him alone while Seifer was gone. He immediately didn't want to talk about anything she was going to bring up.

The puppy climbed back onto his lap as Seifer left, circling three times before it lay down on his legs.

"So," Rinoa said and he felt the cushions depress under her weight. She was getting right to it apparently. "He kissed you didn't he."

Squall closed his eyes and rubbed a hand through the puppy's back fur.

"He won't admit it, but you should have seen his face when he came out of that room." Rinoa giggled. "Oh, Squall. Please tell me you enjoyed it."

Squall opened his eyes again. "I don't understand why he did it." That was true enough.

"Well, when one man likes another man-"

"He shouldn't like me." Squall interrupted Rinoa's fun.

It was a moment before Rinoa spoke. "Why not?"

Squall sighed. "You know why," he said quietly, fingering the puppy's collar. He was surprised to find the tag embossed with Braille. He fingered the letters. It spelled Posy.

"Squall, why did you move here with Seifer?"

"What?" he looked up towards the sorceress.

"Why did you agree to move?"

He shifted, uncomfortable with the topic again. "The palace was too big."

"And why else?"

"What do you mean why else?"

"Why else did you agree?"

He didn't want to talk about it. How did he explain that he hadn't been willing to let Seifer out of his reach after the incident in the garden? "I was… We went to the gardens one day and he fell asleep. I thought he had left. I… the panic took over." Rinoa's hand slipped around his free one on the couch and squeezed. He kept his face turned away. "It… caused damage. He had to be close all the time after that." He blew out a breath. "It's getting better now," he completed lamely.

Rinoa was silent for only a minute. "But why Seifer? Why not stay with Laguna? I'm sure he'd have figured something out. Or back to Balamb?"

He pulled his hand from her grasp. "What is this? An interrogation?"

"I know you know the answer. You chose Seifer over Balamb and Laguna for a reason."

"I can't go back to Balamb. There's nothing there for me, anymore."

"And Laguna?"

"He's running a nation. He has enough on his plate."

"Alright. Those are both valid points. But you could also say that Seifer has a lot on his plate too. Squall, why did you choose Seifer?"

Squall wanted to stand, to go somewhere else, somewhere away from Rinoa and her questions. He started to slide his hands under the dog to move it off him when a hand clamped down on his arm. "Don't run away from it, Squall. Just answer the question."

"No."

"He's not here. You can say it."

He couldn't. He hadn't even said it to himself.

"Squall, why did you choose Seifer?"

"I'm not answering the question. Stop asking it."

Rinoa huffed out a breath. "Fine. I'll answer it for you." He scoped the puppy up in a hand and stood but she yanked him back down before he was fully up. Posy barked in agitation. "I was there the night the final memories came back. I was the one who watched as you retched from the physical and emotional shock and I was the one you shoved aside as you stuffed clothes in a bag before dumping it all back out." Squall pressed his lips together and turned his face away. "You didn't junction a Guardian Force once you _did_ remember. You broke off our façade so I could move here to be with Dylan even though you knew what could have happened with the World Council."

He'd known. They would have destroyed him if they'd discovered he'd lied. Giving the council seat to him because of his relationship with the Sorceress was one matter. Him manipulating them into giving it to him under that assumption, when it wasn't actually true, was another. They could have terminated his position as Commander with a majority vote. They _could _have hindered him in getting any other high paying job.

At the time he hadn't cared. Now it didn't matter.

Rinoa wasn't slowing down. "When Seifer asked if you wanted to go to Esthar, you agreed. When he asked you to come here with him, you agreed."

"Stop," he said.

She didn't. "You choose Seifer. You choose him because you care about him and you want to be near him."

Squall shook his head but he couldn't actually refute her claim verbally.

Rinoa's voice got quieter. "Squall… there's nothing wrong with that. He still cares about you too."

"…He shouldn't. Not after what I did, after how I hurt him." The puppy still trapped in his hand whined and licked his finger once.

"So you made a mistake. You hurt yourself too. But Squall, that was two years. And believe it or not, Seifer still cares about you. He's admitted as much by kissing you. I can see it when he looks at you." Her hand gripped his again. "Did you enjoy the kiss?"

He faced further away from her as if that would help make her disappear. He swallowed. "I don't deserve it."

"Squall." A hand reached around to cup his cheek and turned his face back towards her. "He's forgiven you. Now you have to forgive yourself."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

AN: Back again! I'm ecstatic that I was able to get this chapter written so quickly. I'm assuming you all are to. :) I'm not sure I can promise the same speed for future chapters but I will certainly try. I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Special thanks to all those who reviewed the last chapter. It always makes my day when I see the 'New Review' in my inbox! That said, let me know what you all think of this chapter. Just as good? It's not as serious as the last chapter but I hope Selphie and the puppy gave you some comical relief. Also, thanks to my beta editor whose feedback and commitment to the story has made this all possible. Many thanks for reading and following. Best!


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Hey everyone. I wanted to take some time to thank everyone that has reviewed for the story and in particular for the last chapter. I try to say thanks by message to those who do but there were a lot of guest reviews this time, so I wanted to let you all know I really appreciate your comments. I realize it's been a while since my last update; as my friends have informed me, I seem to have sold my soul to school.

And now I've sold my soul to my internship for the summer, so I don't know how often I'll get more chapters out but I'm hoping once a month. (Don't quote me on that.) There are only a few more chapters to the story! Another five maybe. And maybe a sequel in the far future, after I've completed my other Fanfiction stories (as seen in my profile).

As always, many thanks to my beta editor.

Enjoy the chapter!

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Chapter Fourteen

"We could have puppy stew tonight. Add a little carrots and peas and it'll taste great." Seifer said from beside him and a weight dropped onto Squall's lap. It would have startled him if Seifer hadn't been shoving the dog at him like this for the last ten minutes. He cupped the puppy's stomach with a hand to keep it from falling off his knees and sighed. Hyne he was tired.

"Doesn't Rinoa have an extra leash?" he asked as the problem wriggled in his fingers, rubbing its head against his knees in affection.

"Not one small enough," Seifer grumbled back. They were in Seifer's car and while Posy had originally been placed in the back, she'd made short work of clambering into the front to bounce all over the both of them. Putting her back over the seats didn't deter her. She always found her way back to Squall's lap and from there to Seifer's.

They'd had the puppy for two days and Seifer still hadn't said anything about taking her back to the training facility. And he'd come back from Rinoa's with enough dog food to last a week. _And_ Posy liked the blonde. That proved that Seifer was stealing belly rubs and ear fondles when the dog wasn't with Squall. He hadn't known Seifer liked pets.

"Did Rinoa have Angelo when you two dated?" he asked as the car turned to the right.

Seifer hmmm'ed. "It was a puppy then."

Squall frowned. "You like dogs then?"

"Eh. They're all right. As long as they're not climbing all over me while I'm driving." That didn't tell him anything other than that Seifer _tolerated _dogs. What the hell. Did Seifer want to keep Posy or not?

Did _he_?

He'd never had a pet before. Angelo didn't count. He had been Rinoa's and Squall had never taken any responsibility for him. For that very reason he'd never minded Angelo. But Seifer had made it his job to feed Posy the last two days. It was… odd; to have something be so suddenly dependent on _him_.

"Have you ever met Dylan?" Seifer asked suddenly from the driver's seat.

That derailed him from his thoughts. He smoothed a hand over Posy's coat as she lay down on his lap. "Once."

"What do you think of him?"

Squall shrugged. "I don't know."

"Come on. You're a better judge than that."

Squall leaned back. "It was only once. He wasn't intimidated by me. Didn't thank me like everyone else did for the war." After a moment he added, "He didn't mind the secrecy."

"How long have he and Rin been seeing each other exactly?"

His free hand found the window knobs. "Around a year."

Seifer made a noncommittal sound. "That's a lot of secret trips to Deling."

Squall shrugged again and rested his head back on the headrest. "Edea helped. Gave Rin a cover story."

"What?!" Posy's head came up off his lap at sound for a second before returning. "_Edea_ knows too?"

Squall shifted uneasily at the incredulity in Seifer's voice. "Not about... Just that Rinoa was seeing someone." Then he paused and went over Seifer's words again. "Wait. What do you mean who _else_ knows? Who knows besides Rinoa?"

"You're father."

Squall sighed and brought up a hand to rub his face. He was too tired to even groan.

"Hey, _I _didn't tell anyone. Laguna knew the whole time. He's got _pictures _of us."

Squall canted his head towards Seifer. "_What_ pictures?"

"Incriminating pictures. Trust me, he knows all about it."

"Fuck," Squall muttered softly. That… well, that actually explained a lot.

"Seems he's kept it to himself at least," Seifer replied, as the car turned again. "I don't think he's even told Kiros or Ward… Think you're cowboy's figured it out yet?"

"He's not _my _cowboy. He doesn't even wear that hat anymore."

"You know, one of the guys I mentioned? He's name was Cody. He had a whole outfit. Hat, boots, those leathers that go over the pants but leave the crotch bare. One time he left the pants off-" Squall reached over and dropped Posy into Seifer's lap. "Hey!"

Goddamnit. He could feel the heat coming up neck. He crossed his arms and faced away towards where the window should be. He did _not _want to hear about any of the men Seifer had dated. Seifer, of course, had figured this out. He'd been dropping innocent comments ever since that day in the bedroom.

Seifer gave a good natured laugh and fingers suddenly played through his hair. Squall smacked the hand away quickly. "I'm kidding," Seifer said, and Squall could _hear _the pleasure in his voice.

Squall tried to will his mortified blush away. He was _not _jealous. "What were their names?"

"Whose?"

Seifer had never moved Posy back to his lap. He dug his fingers into his pant legs instead. "The men you… dated. Jason and who else?"

"Why would you like to know? You're not allowed to go hunt them down you know." Squall scowled and waited. "Well, there was Jason. He was the last and longest. Danny was before him. And before that were Canon and Benjamin."

Well… fine. Now he'd known if Seifer threw any more names out just to rile him up. There was no Cody in that list. "How long?" The words were out of his mouth before they'd even processed. Shit.

"How long what?"

"…How… long were you with Jason?"

"Jealous?"

"No," he snapped and huffed a breath out, turning to face away again.

"Three months."

That was two months longer than Seifer and him.

A wave of exhaustion hit him again and he closed his eyes. He really, really needed to sleep. Too bad it was impossible if Seifer was anywhere near him. Damn. That goddamn kiss had fucked him over bad.

He'd been fine after Irvine and the group had left. Then sort of fine after Seifer got back with dog chow and Rinoa left. Then not so fine once it was just Seifer and him. He'd been able to distract himself with Posy for a few hours but then there was no avoiding that it was late and Seifer was in the bed and telling him sleepily to get his goddamn self in bed and sleep before Seifer dragged him there.

He hadn't been able to sleep. Every shift Seifer had made had him tensing until he'd been a mass of contracted muscles. He couldn't do it, sleep, with Seifer lying three feet away. Instead his whole relationship with Seifer had replayed in front of his eyes. Everything. Every detail.

He'd almost wept in relief when morning came and Seifer left the bed to shower.

Last night had been worse. He'd managed to stumble to the living room halfway through the night and collapse on the sofa but he'd barely fallen asleep before Seifer was shaking him awake and demanding to know why he'd moved to the couch. The blonde had dragged him back to the bed and Squall had spent the rest of the night huddled on the edge of the mattress, miserable.

He'd seen that Seifer still cared. It had been his crutch in Esthar. He'd meant to stop, to leave off using the blonde. Then the damn man had kissed him. And Squall's body had liked it. Remembered it. Wanted more.

Luckily for him, his rationale realized what a clusterfuck _that_ would put them in.

There would be no hiding anything this time around if they got into it. Not with him being blind. Speculations were one thing but confirmation shoved in everyone's face was a whole different mess. And all those comments Seifer had been dropping about the men he'd been with in the last two years; they'd all been featured from behind closed doors. It was not a lifestyle that was accepted outside those doors. And he was in the spotlight, again.

He wasn't going to screw up Seifer's hard-earned life. Not only would he pull Seifer down with him, his problems would become Seifer's. He wasn't going to let that happen.

But Hyne was his body fighting that decision.

"Here we are." As Squall scrambled to pull his thoughts back to order the car turned sharply and then stopped. The engine idled then stopped and Posy barked excitedly, seeing something he couldn't.

Seifer put the dog in his lap and opened his door. Squall unbuckled his seat belt but Rinoa got to his side of the car before he could open the door. "Squall! Posy! Here, let me introduce her to Angelo and get her out of your hair." He relinquished the puppy and felt his way out of the car as barks erupted. He was barely out when someone else was next to him.

"It's good to see you again Leonhart." A hand touched his shoulder briefly. The voice was low, but not as low as Seifer's.

"Dylan." After a moment he put his hand out hesitantly. Dylan immediately took it and they shook. Then Seifer was there introducing himself. And Rinoa was back. She linked her arm through his and moved away from the other men. "Angelo loves Posy. They took to each other immediately. Here, there's a step."

Squall let the woman pull him into her house and immediately noticed when he stepped onto carpet. Seifer's house had all hardwood flooring. _Immediately_ he preferred the wood to carpet. The carpet swallowed his footsteps and dulled all sounds of boots. "Let's have lunch first, and then if you want I can give you a tour." He liked that idea. She'd be able to tell him where the couch was.

"Hope you like Chinese," Dylan said, coming in from behind them. "Neither Rin or I know how to cook anything gourmet, so for the sake of not burning down the house we got take-out."

Before he knew it he was seated next to Seifer at a table with a plate of food in front of him and Posy and Angelo lying under the table. "Is this your house?" Seifer asked Dylan as forks started clattering.

"Yes. I bought it a few years back."

"How old _are_ you?"

"Twenty-five."

"Rin!"

Rinoa laughed at Seifer's scandalized tone. She and Dylan were sitting across from him and Seifer. "I'm not breaking any rules." She replied and there was a kissing sound.

Seifer made a gagging sound next to him. "Oh god. I _just _realized."

"What?" the sorceress asked.

"You've got_ two_ ex-boyfriends over for lunch sharing a table with your current boyfriend. _That _is an accomplishment."

"Well…" Rinoa drawled out, taking the revelation without missing a beat. "Considering the two exes turned gay on me and ended up sleeping together…"

Dylan laughed. He was the only one. Seifer cleared his throat and Squall shrunk in on himself.

"Ah Rin," Dylan said. "Don't scare them off. At twenty years old they're still tenderly innocent."

"Ah, fuck you," Seifer said, his voice becoming light again. "Rin, are you letting this old man corrupt you?"

They didn't seem to be paying attention to him. Squall slowly reached a finger out until he found his plate. He gripped the side and found his fork with the other hand. He hadn't known what to expect when Rinoa had invited them over for lunch but it certainly had not been this banter.

He ate whatever he managed to stab with his fork between jaw cracking yawns as the others talked about their jobs. Dylan was a mechanic and Rinoa had just gotten employment and a jewelry store. It sounded so normal. There were bitchy customers, single fathers fighting for child custody and cars from hell. He put an elbow on the table and rested his cheek on his palm, listening. He couldn't relate to any of it. This had been Seifer's life for the last two years. Him? He'd been killing monsters, both the four-legged and two-legged kind. It wasn't something you brought up at the dinner table.

He didn't even realize it when his eyes closed. The voices were muted mummers on his periphery until he felt Seifer's hand brush his thigh. He jolted awake and the dishes on the table clattered as his knee hit the underside of the wood.

The hand immediately withdrew. "Did you… just fall asleep?" Seifer asked. "At the table?"

"No," he mumbled and straightened, flushing in embarrassment. "No, I was listening."

"What have you been doing to him Seifer?" Rinoa demanded. "He's exhausted."

Seifer addressed Squall again. "Are you okay?"

"M' fine," he said.

"No you're not," Rinoa chided. "Here. Leave the food. I'll show you the bed. No Seifer, you stay."

Seifer grumbled while Rinoa took the fork out of Squall's hand. Squall could have kissed Rinoa as she pulled him up from his chair. A bed without Seifer in the room? Thank god.

Once they left behind Seifer and Dylan's voices, Rinoa spoke. "Do you know you're wearing one of Seifer's shirts?"

Squall shrugged. "Closet. They're all mixed up." He hoped the bed was on the first floor.

"Squall, when was the last time you slept?" He shrugged again. "Seriously. I've never seen you so passively … uh, out of it. What's going on?"

"Nothing," he muttered as they passed through a doorway. "It'll all be fine. I just need… to get over it. Just need sleep. It'll be fine."

"Oh god," was the only reply. "You're pulling that noble shit again aren't you?"

He was so startled he stopped and turned toward the voice with a frown. "What?"

There was a sigh. "Squall, please tell me you not sleeping has nothing to do with Seifer kissing you." When he didn't answer, there was a small curse. "Squall! What the heck? Why does it bother you so much? No, never mind. You're delirious. Sleep first. Then we'll talk."

"I'm _not _delirious. I know exactly what needs to be done."

Rinoa didn't speak again as she led him across a room and told him where the bed was. Before she left though, she addressed him again. "Why can't you just be selfish? You did it once. After the war."

Then she was gone.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer picked Posy up as she tried to go after Squall and Rinoa. "He's fine. Don't worry pup. Rin will figure out what's up." He frowned. Why hadn't he noticed that Squall was that tired? He sighed and glanced up in time to see Dylan looking at him with a small smile. "What?"

"Sorry. I just… never would have guessed."

Seifer leaned back in his chair with a raised eyebrow. "That I'm talking to a dog? Or that I'm into men?"

"The latter." Seifer shrugged and glanced at Squall's abandoned plate. It had hardly been touched. "Have you known long?" Dylan asked after a moment.

Seifer turned and eyed Dylan again. "Since I was kid. You? Always known you were straight?"

"I tried the gay thing once," Dylan said in reply. Seifer blinked, his mouth opening slightly in surprise. Dylan smiled at his expression. "Wanted to see what it was all about. So yes, I know for a fact that I am straight as a board."

Seifer laughed. That was when Rinoa came back into the dining room. "Seifer, we need to talk."

His laughter died. "What did he say to you?"

"A whole lot of nothing," she said, sitting down in her chair and brushing strands of hair that had fallen from her clip out of her face and tucking them behind an ear. "Do you know when he last slept?" she asked.

He furrowed his brows. "Last night?"

"I doubt it."

Seifer rubbed a hand through his hair and petted Posy. "Well he left the bed halfway through the night and opted for the couch. I told him he was crazy and dragged him back. Did I stay up and see if he actually fell asleep? No." Rinoa was giving him a look. "What?"

"Nothing. Nevermind. Look, I don't think Squall has slept since… well probably since you kissed him."

Silence reigned for a full thirty seconds before Seifer groaned. "Ah shit. That fucking asshole."

Dylan looked between him and Rinoa. "Did Leonhart not like it?"

Rinoa glanced at Seifer. "Probably the opposite."

Goddamn that brunette.

"Seifer?"

"What?" he said, glancing towards the room Squall had disappeared into.

"I tried telling him that the past is the past, but I don't think he's listening. He should hear it from you."

He glanced back and gave Rinoa a long look. "Don't worry. We'll be having a _long_ talk."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"What are you doing?"

Quistis jumped and slammed the book shut, tucking it to her chest. Irvine raised an eyebrow at her. "Uh… nothing," she said.

"Uh huh. Sure. Hand it over."

She scowled. "What are you doing in here?"

"I was going to check in, see how the position was going. Also, Zell wants us all to go out for dinner tonight."

She moved the book upside down and wedged it between the desk and her knees. "The position is fine. Really, most of it is paperwork." She wondered when he had come in. She kept the office door open but she should have heard him. Irvine picked up her stapler and fiddled with it. "What?"

He sighed and put the stapler back. "Nothing. Just thinking about Seifer's house."

"It looked like Squall was doing fine there."

"I _know_. That's what confuses me. I just don't understand how the two of them would be able to stand each other."

"You weren't there yet I guess but when Squall and Rinoa first met, they couldn't stand each other."

Irvine frowned. "We already concluded that the two of them probably didn't have a serious relationship."

"Even if they didn't, they'd have to have been close friends to work together like that. I guess I'm saying things change all the time. And…" she blushed and cleared her throat. "… I've been… reading up on…on homosexual relationships." She pulled the book out from under the desk and set it on the desk.

Irvine gave her a surprised look. "They have books on that kind of thing?"

Quistis smiled briefly. "Well not very many. And the topic isn't put in a very positive light. But there were a few articles in this book that weren't too bad. As far as I can understand it, attraction is the same whether the couple is same-sex or not. Do you just decide to be attracted to someone? Does Zell? Well neither do… gay people. It just kind of happens." Irvine was staring down at the book on her desk so she continued. "I don't know how it differs from someone like you who's only bisexual."

Irvine looked away finally and rubbed the back of his head. "Well… I guess I'm just attracted to a lot of people."

Quistis laughed and leaned her elbows on the desk. "Well Squall certainly isn't." Then she sighed. "I don't know Irvine. It kind of makes sense. A little."

Irvine's head canted towards her again. "_How_?"

She nudged the book with a finger and refused to look at the long-haired brunette. "Squall is a warrior. He respects strength. And Squall and Seifer have always gotten along, in their own way. It just… makes sense the more I think about it."

"You said before that Squall is probably just reacting on his emotions and that they're all over the place because of the accident. You also said that they probably weren't going to be consistent when he finally gets a sense of reality back. I worried that he's just reacting. What if he traps himself into something that he later wants out of?"

"Then I imagine he'll get out of it."

"Seifer has the upper hand."

Quistis shook her head. "I don't know why you hate Seifer so much. Even Zell isn't as worried as you are." He raised her hand as Irvine opened his mouth to speak. "Irvine, we have to trust Squall. You're the one who told me that, remember? He's doubtless going through a very rough time, but he's still himself. And he told us himself that he was fine where he was. I didn't see any at all like coercion going on at anytime."

"Squall isn't known to ask for help."

"He will if he really needs it." She replied, frowning. "Besides Rinoa is in the same city. And we know she would never let Seifer hurt Squall."

Irvine huffed out a breath and turned to flop down on the couch placed to the right against the wall. "I guess it hurts that he hid it. Whatever went on before. He lied to our faces."

Quistis looked down at her nails. "Yes," she agreed. "It hurt. But it's not exactly an activity that's really accepted. And he was in the spotlight more than any of us were after the war. Maybe he just didn't want there to be any chance that it would get out?"

"I bet Rinoa knew everything."

Quistis shrugged even though Irvine wasn't looking at her. "Maybe. Maybe not. I'll see him you know. In a week at the council meeting if he's still planning on attending. Maybe we can get him to go to lunch of something afterwards. We can always ask him personally then."

"I have a bad feeling about that council meeting."

She wasn't going to say it, but she did too.

Just then however Zell and Selphie poked their heads through the door. "What is this, a therapy session?" Zell asked. Irvine bolted up and Quistis slammed her incriminating book into a desk drawer.

Selphie giggled. "Are you too starting something… you know, romantic?"

"What!?" Quistis's and Irvine's identical shot overlapped.

"Well Irvy's up here _a lot_." She stressed the last two words. "You two are talking to each other every time I turn around."

"It's not—"

"That's crazy—"

Zell laughed and Irvine and Quistis shut up. "Whatever," the blonde said. "Come one. It's dinnertime and I've picked the perfect place."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall went to the kitchen after his shower and felt for the top cabinet near the hallway for the dog food. Posy jumped around his feet, ecstatic, but backed off as soon as he'd closed the cabinet. Sometimes he thought the dog knew to back off when he was walking blindly. Only when he was still did she climb all over him.

The two dog pans Seifer had invented out of old frying pans were along the bar wall in between the kitchen and the bar chairs. Posy waited as he knelt and filled the first carefully then attacked the dry food when he pulled the bag upright again. He leaned over her and stuck a finger in the water pan to see how full it was. Full enough. He put the food back in the cupboard as Posy made chomping sounds and then made his way to the living room.

"Mail came," Seifer said from somewhere near the door.

Squall sat on the couch. "Anything interesting?"

"Yep. Here."

It took Squall a second to realize that what Seifer handed him was book. "I already have two of these," he said.

"You'll like this one better. It's about the history of Gunblades."

Squall's felt his eyebrow rise despite himself. "In Braille?"

"It took a little searching, but yes."

Squall opened the cover and touched a page, not attempting to read it just yet. It was _another _gift from the blonde. He didn't want Seifer to keep doing this. But it was Seifer who seemed to know exactly what he needed to get through the darkness. He closed the cover and felt the outside of the hardcover. He wondered how much it had cost.

He heard Posy's paws on the hardwood as she crossed to the bedroom and passed out of earshot again then jerked his head around when he felt the cushions of the couch next to him depress. "Squall, we need to talk."

_That_ did not sound right, coming out of Seifer's mouth. Stalling, he set the book on the coffee table. "What do you mean?"

"When you left Esthar two years ago, it hurt. And when you forgot about me, it fucking killed me."

Every muscle in Squall's body tensed. Oh, fuck. "Don't."

"Why? You obviously need to hear it."

Squall clenched his fists. "I know what I did."

"You ran away."

The darkness hadn't bothered Squall that much in the last few days. Now it giggled. "I said, I know what I did."

"Good. Now fucking let it go. It's over."

Squall glanced towards the voice. "It's not over," he said incredulously.

"It is."

"What the hell do you call all this then?" He made a vague gesture around him.

"This is unrelated to then."

"The hell it is," Squall replied, turning away and crossing his arms. "Nothing has changed." Why was Seifer bringing this up now? "You still confuse the hell out of me."

"And you're still hurting me."

Squall flinched. "I… What have…?"

"Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm fucking blind! That's what's wrong."

"I'm not talking about that. You didn't sleep last night. Or the night before I'm guessing."

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Squall stood. He couldn't talk about this with _Seifer_.

"Don't even think about it." A hand snagged his wrist and yanked him back. He swung around with the pull and clawed his nails into the hand gripping his wrist. "Let go," he snarled. "Let go!" Seifer's other hand came up and grabbed his other wrist, yanking down. Squall twisted his body to the side in retaliation and brought a knee up into the arms holding him. Seifer cursed as his knee connected and his wrists were let go. Squall fell back at the sudden lack of resistance but his out-flung arm found the coffee table and he rolled himself over it to the other side, ignoring the objects he knocked off with him. When his knees hit the floor on the other side he stumbled up to his feet and made for whatever was away from the couch.

Seifer's arms wrapped around him a second later. "You're going to talk about this."

Squall twisted and drove his elbow back towards Seifer's kidneys but the blonde twisted, throwing his aim off. Then he was being wrestled to the ground. He fought Seifer; he fought the panic and the darkness. Neither got him anywhere.

He'd told himself not to get worked up. His emotions consumed him when he did and the darkness that surrounded him expanded into him, crushing him. He didn't understand how; didn't understand why; only that terror engulfed him. The darkness became something alive. He was just a speck of dust compared to it. Nothing.

"Shh, Squall. Shhhh." The words were spoken softly in his ear. A cheek brushed against his own. Slowly Squall stopped tugging on whatever he was tugging on and exhaled harshly. He was on his back with Seifer straddling his hips, their cheeks together and Seifer's hand stroking through his hair. Squall exhaled again in despair.

He didn't know why he even tried. He didn't stand a chance against Seifer with his blindness. He would never win a physical fight again.

Seifer leaned up and Squall's lax fingers pulled away from the man's shirt. He must have been pulling on the material in his deliria. Seifer started speaking. "You hurt me. But I think I hurt you too, didn't I? I didn't fight for you. I didn't try to stop you when you left. You said before that I didn't understand why you used those Guardian Forces to forget. So tell me."

"No."

"Fine. We'll come back to that. But regardless of why, I've let go of the past. It doesn't matter anymore. It didn't matter the second I heard about the Timber accident. We made mistakes. We didn't have enough time. Fine. Done. It's done with. But _you_ still haven't let it go of it. Squall, you have to let it go."

Squall turned his head to the side. "Why do you still care?"

"Why do _you_ still care? Why did you come to Deling with me? Why haven't you been sleeping? Who the hell knows why this shit happens?"

"It was just lust. It wasn't supposed to last," he whispered.

"But it did."

"I _hurt _you."

"And I hurt you before that in the war. Squall, I forgave you a long time ago."

Squall stared at the blackness in front of his eyes trying to make sense of what Seifer was saying. It couldn't just _not_ matter. "I _used _you." He finally said hoping that would get his point across.

"It doesn't matter."

Goddammit. "I'm still using you."

"No you're not. You've taken what I've offered. You're not the monster you're trying to make yourself out to be. Let the past go already." Seifer ran a hand through his hair again. "Squall. Listen to me carefully. You know I still care about you. But I'm not going to force anything on you. It's you're decision. But at least take the time to tell me what it is. And sleep for fuck's sake."

"I can't!" he hissed, bringing his head back up.

"Why not? Because I kissed you? Does that mean you liked it?" Squall felt Seifer lean down closer. "I _know _you liked it Squall," the blonde whispered and then Seifer's lips were on his.

Squall shot his hands to Seifer's chest and pushed until Seifer pulled back. "S-stop it."

"Why? You want it. I want it. It's that simple."

"It isn't that simple."

"It _is_! I don't care what everyone else thinks about it. You shouldn't either."

Seifer kissed him again. Squall turned his head away from it. "Don't… please."

"Are you're arguments failing you? They don't matter when I kiss you do they? If they don't hold up then what makes you think they'll last? Why are you trying so hard?"

"We can't keep a… a relationship hidden."

"What if I don't want to keep it hidden this time?" Squall's breath hitched despite himself. Seifer heard it and his voice softened. "We can make it work this time."

"Why? Because I'm blind?"

"No because you're free from obligation."

"We'll be ridiculed. You could lose your job."

"I. Don't. Care."

"But _I _do. I don't want you … to be…" He stopped as he felt wetness roll down onto his ear.

A finger brushed at the corner of his eye. "I know. It's one of the reasons I love you."

Squall closed him eyes is despair. "No," he moaned.

"I love you Squall." Seifer wiped away more tears. Then the other man's chest leaned down against his and Seifer kissed his jaw, then the corner of his mouth. More tears were wiped away. "I promise it will be okay."

"No it won't."

"Yes, it will. Let me take care of you." Seifer kissed the other corner of his mouth. "Trust me." Then Seifer's lips brushed his fully.

Squall lost himself in it. It had been too long. His skin burned where Seifer's skin touched him, his muscles went lax, and his thoughts scattered. Seifer groaned against his mouth and more weight settled on him. They were now chest to chest, hip to hip.

Squall squeezed his eyes shut as blood instantly rushed south. He pushed up into the kiss as a hand wandered over his hip and up his side. He opened his mouth wider, trying to suck in more air without breaking the kiss. It could have been seconds when Seifer pulled back an inch or it could have been hours. He panted as moved his hand along the floor near his head trying to find Seifer's hand. Seifer's fingers found his first and fingers linked through his. Seifer kissed him again once and then drove his hips down.

Squall groaned and flung his head back, arching. Immediately Seifer's lips were on his neck, kissing a trail from his jaw to his collarbone and back. Squall's free hand scrabbled uselessly against the floor. Hyne, he couldn't tell where Seifer's hands or lip were going to come in from. He could only shudder when fingers ghosted along his stomach then disappeared before playing along his thigh next.

Then the hands disappeared all together and with another groan Seifer stopped his ministrations and sat up. Squall's eyes opened reflexively and he tried to sit up, to follow, but a hand to his chest kept him flat.

Seifer's voice was lower than usually when he spoke. "You're not going to try and 'save me' by leaving are you? I don't need to be saved." Squall tried to find where Seifer's eyes would be, a few inches above where the voice originated. He wished he could see the expression in them at that moment. He'd have given anything to see Seifer again.

His breathing slowed and he swallowed. "It's… never going to be the same."

"You're eyes are beautiful Squall. This blindness doesn't have to change anything."

"But I can't… see you."

The fingers still linked in his hand tightened and then pulled his hand up. Seifer pulled his other hand up as well and then his palms were placed against a face. "Look at me through your hands." Seifer's hands fell away leaving Squall's were they were cupping his face. Squall bit his lip and then Seifer's hand reappeared on his own check. "You'll get through this. Life will never be the same, but maybe it can be something better in the end."

Squall slowly moved his fingers down, tracing Seifer's jaw with one hand. He inched his fingers around, trying not to poke but becoming more fascinated by the minute. It had been two years since he'd last seen Seifer's face. This wasn't the same. But it was something.

"Squall?" Squall blinked his eyes and stopped his movements. "Do you think you can sleep now?"

He couldn't help it. He laughed.

Seifer leaned down and kissed him and he could feel the smile. "Good. Then let's get off this floor."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Seifer jolted awake when something smacked him in the gut. He cursed and struggled up on an elbow. "What the hell Leonhart?" Squall was crowding into him, making a disgusted sound. Seifer sighed and rubbed his eyes. At the sound of a bark he dropped his hand just in time to see the brunette's own hand shoot out and shove Posy off the bed. There was a thump and an incredulous bark.

Seifer blinked. Poor pup.

…But better it than him for whatever the reason it was for. What the hell _had_ the pup done?

Squall sat up and taking a handful of sheets, proceeded to scrub roughly at his ear while muttering curses. Seifer rolled over on his back and smiled. Well… a tongue in the ear would certainly do the trick.

There was another bark, this time from the foot of the bed, and then Posy reappeared leaping up on the bed. With two bounds she was between them, circling and smacking them both with her tail and yanking the sheets out of Squall's grasp with her bouncing.

Squall gave a wordless growl and flipped the blankets over onto the puppy and Seifer. Seifer sputtered as the weight hit him in the face then some more as Posy's wriggling doubled along his side. The bathroom door had slammed by the time he'd untangled the both of them.

He shook his head as he pulled his legs out from under the hot sheets and laid back again, pulling Posy to his chest and fondling her ears. "Now you've done it pup." She licked his cheek. "Ugh." Shove went his own hand. "I told you to stop licking faces." He flicked her nose. "Pay attention."

Her puppy eyes scrunched at his flick and then she sneezed, the motion vibrating her whole body.

Seifer clucked his tongue and rolled over on his side, leaving the puppy to its own devices. He put an elbow under his head, relaxing. After weeks, he could finally relax. Hyne it felt good to just let it all go. Squall was going to be okay. He was sure of it now.

After a moment he reached over and picked his phone up from the bedside table. Rolling again, he held it up over his head and squinted at the list of contacts until he found Rinoa's. Opening it up, he started a message: _Talk went well._

After he sent the text he dropped the phone on his chest and listened as the shower started in the bathroom. A second later his phone buzzed. She must have been near her phone. He turned over and read the message.

_Did you kiss?_

Seifer shoved Posy's nose away from his keyboard. _You bet your ass we did._

_Did you have hot sex?_

Seifer paused. That was… a little forward for the raven-haired woman. _No_

_WHAT!? Why not?_

He glared at his phone._ He's not ready._

_Ah but I wanted to hear all about the sex. Come on, make him ready. _

He stared at the message for so long that Posy came to investigate again. He gave her a distracted pat on the head and read the message again. Finally, totally confused, he sent one word back: _Rin?_

_No. She's in the shower._

Seifer bolted upright on the bed. _Dylan? _

_Yep. You'll tell me all about it when it DOES happen right?_

Seifer gaped at his screen; Posy cocked her head at him, one ear up. That damn –. Both he and the dog jumped when the phone rang. He glanced at the ID and hit accept. "You're a damn pervert."

Dylan laughed on the other line. "Sorry. Couldn't help myself."

"And you're not getting the scope on anything."

"Hmm… There went my research for a book."

"I thought you were a mechanic."

"I write a little on the side."

Seifer leaned forward and put his elbow on his knee. "Whatever, _you're_ not getting any details."

"Eh, Rin will tell me."

"_She's _not getting anything either."

"Well the imagination is always more detailed anyways. I'll just have to use my own creativity then."

Seifer groaned. "Pervert," he said, repeating his earlier statement.

Dylan seemed to ignore the comment. "You know, having a book about it could actually help the world; it could get that kind of relationship recognized."

"I doubt it," Seifer replied dryly.

"I'm serious. It's not widely accepted because people don't know enough about it. And people are scared of what they don't know. If people knew how similar to a heterosexual relationship it all was… well it wouldn't have to be hidden from the world all the time."

"I'm pretty sure it's more complicated than that."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"No, I'm pretty sure."

Dylan huffed. "Have a little faith."

"Faith never got me anywhere."

"You know, I've never met a soldier – or ex-soldier - who used the name 'Hyne' as anything more than a curse."

"That's because most of us don't believe all those stories about him. If you ask me—"

"I didn't."

"Shut up. If you ask me, Hyne was just some guy who fought a sorceress and defeated her. Maybe Hyne was actually a women and that's why they say he had magical powers. Or maybe all of it is just exaggeration."

"Is it one of those 'I'll believe it when I see it?'"

"If there's some power out there who's responsible for all that happens then why does it allow all the deaths or the wars. Why would it make Sorceresses like Adel so they can run rampant and destroy the land? Why would it allow someone like Squall to go blind?"

"I guess I like to think of it a little differently," Dylan said but then hesitated.

"Well, go on."

"I like to think that while Hyne might have created human life, that was the extent. The rest is up to us to determine what we will do with the life given to us."

"Well that's one way, I guess." Seifer said as Posy rushed back into the room at top speed. He hadn't even been aware she had left the room. "For the soldiers, they see a lot of death. May explain their hesitance." He patted Posy's head when she put her paws on the bed and strained up towards him, but she only allowed him one before she bounced back and ran halfway to the door and ran back. She had to repeat it twice before he realized what she needed. "Never would have pictured you as a church goer," Seifer commented as he stood and followed the dog out of the bedroom to the back door.

Dylan snorted. "Me? No, I haven't set foot in a church since I was a kid. I'm not sure I believe in a 'Hyne' per say. More like, I feel there's some kind of power out there. Just look at nature, or how a child is born. Do you realize how much goes on in a women's body as a baby develops? And from basically nothing really. How does cognitive thought come out one sperm and egg?"

Seifer opened the back door and Posy shot out onto the grass. "Ughh. You're one of those guys who wants dozens of kids, aren't you."

"Nah. One or two will be fine." There was a contented silence that had Seifer's back straightening.

"Please tell me Rinoa's not pregnant."

"Hey, if you're not gonna give me any details I'm not gonna give you any either."

Seifer turned in a circle then stopped when he realized that got him nowhere. "Slow the hell down. Rinoa's pregnant?"

"No," Dylan said with a short laugh. "But we're trying."

"She's nineteen! And you're…what, thirty?"

"Twenty-five, you baby."

"…Wow."

"Is it really that surprising?"

"No; the idea of Rin having a child. I never saw that one coming." Posy tried to skid back into the house but he stopped her and putting the phone between his shoulder and cheek, picked her up and examined each paw until he was satisfied she wasn't going to be tracking anything nasty back into the house. He set her down and closed the door.

"What about you? Ever want kids?"

It was Seifer's turn to snort. "Yeah right. That's sort of an impossibility in my situation."

"You could always adopt."

Seifer ducked around the bedroom door as the sound of the shower dulled and then stopped. "No thanks. Besides, can you see Squall trying to parent some brat? He'd skewer it in the first week."

Dylan chuckled to say yes, he could picture that scenario. "So you think it will work long-term then? You and Squall?"

Seifer frowned and sat back down on the bed. "I… I don't know. Squall is…" He sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. What a loaded question.

"Well you have Rin and me to back you up. She loves the idea of the two of you together. Ah, and on that note, she's just finishing her hair so I should go before she catches me on this."

"Tell her I said you were a pervert."

"Takes one to recognize one."

"Does not!"

Dylan hung up halfway through his cackles.

Seifer made a disgusted noise and flipped his phone shut just as the bathroom door opened and steam slithered out. He tossed the phone back on his beside stand as Squall emerged, holding a towel around his waist. "Dylan says hi," he told the man.

The brunette made a noncommittal noise and trailed the wall to the closet which had been left open from the night before. He reached up to find the left upper cubby and… let go of his towel.

Seifer jacked forward on the bed. "Fuck."

Squall's head turned and cloudy eyes briefly glanced over his shoulder before he turned forward again and pulled some pants and boxers out. Seifer sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. "Squall, do know how long it's been since I've seen you _that_ naked?"

"Esthar, two weeks ago," the brunette replied as he bent over and pulled the boxers on.

Seifer groaned at the sight. "That… didn't count. You were still traumatized." He flopped down on his belly as pants were pulled on next and huffed out a breath. "You did that on purpose you ass."

"Just seeing if it still worked," was the only reply as Squall trailed the wall back to the bathroom and disappeared inside again.

"Of course it works!" Seifer yelled after him. He huffed again and laid his head down on his arms. "Damn." It was only nine o'clock.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Squall frowned into the darkness. Maybe he shouldn't have done that. Messing with Seifer didn't always turn out that well; he liked his revenge a little too much.

He reached for the corner of the counter he was leaning against where his toothbrush and paste were kept in a cup. There had been that one time where he'd shoved Seifer's head down into his soup bowl for something he'd said. He'd woken up the next morning with at least a gallon of honey all over the bed. It had taken him four _very_ long showers to get it out of his hair.

He grimaced around his toothbrush. But Seifer wouldn't do anything now, would he? It wouldn't be fair with him in his current condition. Seifer wouldn't dare.

Right?... shit.

Once he was done with his teeth he hesitantly made his way to the bathroom door and slowly inched out. When nothing hit him or tripped him, he breathed out the air he was holding in his lungs and turned to place the wall on his right. This was good. Maybe Seifer was getting over his revenge streak.

He made his way along the wall again, this time going for a shirt.

"Hey I have something for you," Seifer suddenly said and the bed creaked. Squall flinched but nothing happened. Instead there was a rustling noise over by the desk. He grabbed a random shirt from the middle of the rack - who knew where his shirts were anymore – and pulled it on before turning back towards the room. He was just in time to sense Seifer come to stand in front of him. "You're missing this."

Before Squall could decide if he needed dodge or step back, something brushed against his hair and then cold metal settled around his neck followed by a slight weight against his chest. Surprised, he reached up a hand and fingered the metal. "Griever?"

"When did you stop wearing it?"

He kept his head down towards the metal in his fingers as if he could see it. Seifer had had a habit of jerking on the necklace to get him to lean in for a whisper or a kiss. It had become their greeting, Seifer grabbing the chain and reeling him in for a quick kiss. And when Rinoa had grabbed it and tugged after he'd left Seifer and gone back to Balamb he hadn't been able to deal with it. He'd taken the necklace off and shoved it in his drawer. He hadn't laid eyes on it since. "After… Esthar. Two years ago."

"Oh," was all Seifer said and Squall knew the blonde understood. There was silence for a beat before Seifer's fingers brushed along his and the necklace. "Well, now I can drag you around by it again. Just like old times." As if to prove his point, Seifer's fingers curled around the chain and tugged. Squall's upper body tilted forward at the pull and Seifer's lips were suddenly on his. He enjoyed it for a quick second before he put a hand against Seifer's face and shoved it away.

"Aw, come on," the blonde said.

"Don't you have work?"

"I can take the day off."

"No you can't." Seifer's sudden downtrodden sigh didn't sound good. "What is it?" he asked as Seifer's finger's released his necklace.

"Look… I can't keep working here at home. I've got to start going back to the office. There are only so many times I can reschedule my meetings… But I can drag it out a few more days. At least until-"

"No," Squall cut in. "You should go in today. I've done enough damage to your job as it is."

"What about you? Are you…

He was talking about Squall's insecurity of being alone. Squall frowned and crossed his arms. He hadn't noticed it all that much but then Seifer had been nearby twenty-four-seven. There'd never been a chance for the insecurity to rear its head. "I'll be fine," he muttered.

"You don't really know do you?"

Squall slanted his head and glared at who knew what. "If there's a problem I'll deal with it."

"I'd rather we don't take the chance."

"I have to figure it out sooner or later," Squall argued.

"That's not something you just jump into. No, I don't want to leave you alone." There was a pause and then "What if you stayed at Rin's while I'm gone?"

"I don't need a babysitter," Squall growled, turning away.

Seifer's hand grabbed his elbow. "Squall-"

He turned back, trying to find Seifer's eyes. "Stop _worrying_. I can do this." Seifer seemed to be staring at him. Squall stepped in towards him and reached up until his hand found a collarbone. He let it travel from there up until he could find Seifer's ear. He gave it a tug. "Let me do this."

Seifer sighed. "I can't believe I'm… You have to promise you will call if anything happens. And no going outside. And don't poke around in the kitchen drawers. Just… just sit on the couch all day. You hear me?"

Squall used his hand on the side of Seifer's face to shove it sideways. "Go shower."

Seifer didn't move. "Promise me Squall."

"Fine, I promise."

Seifer's arm encircled him suddenly and squeezed. "This does_ not _mean that you'll get your way with everything." Squall snorted into the collarbone he was pressed against. Then he frowned when Seifer pulled them back a pace. "What are you doing?"

"Don't think about it," Seifer said and pulled him back another pace. He wasn't sure, but he thought they might be moving towards the bed.

"Seifer-"

The blonde tilted his chin up with a finger and cut off what he was going to say. Squall's body reacted immediately. It had been _way_ too long. Seifer chuckled and twirled them, then pushed Squall down on the bed, following after.

It was a minute later that Squall heard the clinking. He shoved Seifer away too late. A finger pulled his belt loop up and something cold was shoved down his pants. He gasped at the icy feeling and shoved the suddenly laughing man away from him, trying to roll off the bed. Ice seared his hip until he stood and stomped his foot. Then it slid down his leg until it found the end of his jeans and thumped on the hardwood floor. He stumbled back as fingers pulled at his pants again.

"Goddammit, Seifer!"

Seifer got his laughing under control enough to say "That's for being a tease earlier." Then another burst of laughter rang out. "A Hyne, Squall, if you could have seen your face."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Call if anything happens," Seifer said for the third time.

"I will," Squall stressed again, standing with a hand on the door, blocking entry back into the house. "Go. You're already late."

"There's a sandwich in the fridge for lunch. On the second shelf down. And this time, don't worry about the laundry."

"Alright"

"I put the books and cards back in their corners on the coffee table. And the kitchen bar's clear now so you can eat there."

"Seifer –"

"I've left the back door open so Posy can come and go when she needs. Just don't walk out there yourself. Who knows how much shit's back there now."

"Just g –"

"Read through that gunblade book, or watch TV. Just don't do anything stupid."

"Seifer! Go already."

"Alright, alright" the man grumbled. Fingers slid under Griever's chain and hauled him forward. "Be careful," Seifer said before kissing him. Then he was gone, boots clipping on the sidewalk. Squall waited until a car door shut and an engine started. He raised a hand as wheels crunched onto a road then stepped back and shut the door.

All alone.

Squall leaned back against the door with the rest of the house in front of him and let out a breath. It was shakier than he would have liked. Posy nosed his leg. "It's all right," he told her. "It's going to be fine." She didn't seem convinced because she wrapped her paws around his shin and whined. He bent and picked her up, holding her against him. "Shh," he said and rubbed her ears with a trembling hand.

He knew sending Seifer off had been the right thing. He had to face this.

He sucked in a breath and then let it out slowly. He knew this house. He knew where everything was. He wasn't going to get lost. He didn't need Seifer's chatter to know that the blackness around him was _not_ going to crush him. It wasn't.

With Posy's paws kneading his chest, he stepped away from the door. Instant panic slammed into him and he froze. The fear was like a pain, traveling up his spine. When Posy whined again he forced himself to take another step. He did _not _need Seifer's voice urging him from one room to another. He didn't. The darkness pulsed and he cringed.

"Stop it," he whispered to himself. He was _not _going to get lost.

The darkness disagreed. He swayed, and then sank to his knees. Posy barked and scrambled out of his arms. He let her go, putting his palms on the ground. Posy didn't stop barking and the nothingness pulsed to the sounds.

"No, no," he gasped. "It's fine. It's…" he bowed his head and gave a disgusted sob. "It's not fine."

He fisted his hand and pounded it once on the floor in sheer frustration. The darkness was laughing noiselessly again. It surged in; the air in front of him became something menacing; he felt himself shrinking into that speck of nothing. It was too big and he was too small.

He let himself collapse sideways and covered his head with his arms, trying to block it out, and curled into a ball of safety. Where was Seifer?

Posy 's barking got closer. He didn't know how long it lasted; years maybe. Finally she stopped, maybe realizing that no one was coming. She started whining then, nosing and pawing at him. Eventually he felt her wriggle in between his knees and chest and settle against him. Her tail was ram-rod straight lying against his side and her head never touched his thigh like it would have if she'd been lying _on _him.

She was watching over him.

The thought made him grateful _and _sickened. He was pathetic; he couldn't do anything without knowing there was someone near. He couldn't walk around a house he knew well without knowing that sooner or later Seifer would say something, just to prove he was still there.

Wait. He could call Seifer. He had his phone.

He unlocked one hand from his hair and fumbled for his pocket, suddenly desperate to get to the phone. He couldn't get it out. He had to sit up. Rasping in air, he jerked himself up, put a knee down and finally succeeded in pulling the device out; Then he had to lean over, draw his knees back up and put his forehead on them, holding the phone against his chest. Posy, having been displaced with his movement, moved to sit on his feet.

He half panted, half sobbed into his knees for a minute or two, then, little by little, he was able to pull his breathing under control. Everything was fine. It was okay. He could call Seifer. The blonde could talk him through it. He held the phone against himself tighter.

He didn't call. Seifer would be back home in minutes if he did. But having the option helped. He _could _call. He knew the number and Seifer would pick up immediately. Everything would be okay. He chanted that statement to himself. Everything would be okay. He reached out with one hand and soothed it over Posy's back. "Everything will be okay," he told her. She whined and licked his fingers.

He sat on the ground for another few minutes before he was able to convince himself to get up. Holding the phone tightly he climbed back to his feet and shuffled quickly to the couch. Everything was going to be okay. The couch helped to stabilize him; he knew this couch intimately. He trailed a hand along the arm and just breathed. If he kept his phone with him, he'd be okay. He was sure of it. He'd be able to call if anything happened.

He kept the phone in his hand and told himself to go to the kitchen. It took two tries to get his legs moving but eventually he did. Posy was right on his heels, urging him on.

He made it all the way to the fridge and had pulled out the sandwich Seifer had made him for lunch before the darkness seemed to pulse towards him again as if reminding him that he was still alone. He clutched his phone against his chest and chanted his new mantra to himself until he was able to unfreeze and walk to the kitchen bar. The maddening darkness stayed on his periphery, trying to linger, as he choked down the food. He had to keep the phone in one hand and eat with the other but that was okay for now.

He ignored Seifer's comment and put a load of laundry into the washer. He found a sponge near the sink so he wiped at the counters. He filled Posy's food and water pans but she ignored them and continued to follow him around. He did a lap around the house, counting his steps and touching the furniture that he knew to avoid.

The darkness tried to pulse in again while he was in the bedroom fingering his necklace. He had to sit on the bed with the phone in a strangle hold for two minutes before he'd convinced himself that it was okay.

After that he stayed on the couch and tried to read the Braille book on Gunblades Seifer had gotten him with Posy's head on his thigh. He'd read two pages when he checked his watch and realized it had been an hour since he'd sat down. The pace was excruciatingly slow, but what he'd read was much better than the fictional thrillers he'd had to work with before.

He did another lap around the house even though knew he'd never forget the numbers of steps from room to room. He moved the clothes from the washer to the dyer then opened the window and leaned out into the sun for a while.

Eventually he was able to slip the phone into his pocket and still convince himself that it was near enough that he could pull it out and call Seifer if he needed. And three hours after Seifer had left the darkness no longer surged in on him; his emotions were under control.

He was sitting with the Braille book again when it hit him. He'd done it. He'd overcome his own reflexive emotions and overridden them with something else. He'd heard of it being done but this had been the first time he'd seen it happen himself.

He tilted his head back and laughed. He'd done it. He could beat it now. All he had to do was keep his phone close.

He felt ridiculously happy. He closed the Braille book and rubbed Posy's head when she lifted it. He felt kind of like… he could do anything now; which was just as ridiculous as his sudden euphoria. But there it was, a feeling spreading through him like warmth. God it felt like a drug, spreading through his bloodstream until it encompassed him.

He immediately thought of the world council. He'd been trying to figure out what he was going to do about it but had been coming up against a wall, specifically how the hell he was going to be able to handle it. It was important that he go, but until now he wasn't sure how. Now though…

He could make it work. He _would _make it work. He needed to be there at that council.

He ruffled Posy's fur again and pulled his phone out to dial Seifer. The blonde picked up on the second ring. "Squall? Is everything okay? Do you need me to come back?"

Squall smiled at the darkness surrounding him. "No. I've got it under control."

There was a pause. "That's… great." He sounded as if he had some idea of the trauma it had taken to get where Squall was now. Maybe he'd spent the last three hours picturing everything that could have gone wrong. Squall thought it was highly probable. Seifer would never admit it, but he worried about things more than Quistis did. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"You sure?"

"I'm tired. But yes. I've got it now."

Finally he heard Seifer's smile in his voice. "I'm happy for you."

"I…" he paused, unsure of how to go about getting the information he needed. He didn't want to blurt it out. "I have a favor actually."

"What is it?"

"…I need you to look something up for me," he hedged.

"What?"

"The address of the World Conference."

He expected the heavy silence but not Seifer's _very_ blunt "no."

Squall's cheer faded instantly. "Seifer," he said, sighing.

"I'm not letting you go to that council."

"Why the hell not?"

"Squall, you've made a huge accomplishment today. But this is a whole new level. Think of the noise alone. I know your hearing is still sensitive."

"It's only really noisy before and after the actual meeting."

"And how are you going to find your seat?"

Squall hesitated. That was the part he hadn't planned yet. "That can be figured out later. I'm going."

"No, you're not." Squall refused to answer that and after a minute Seifer sighed too. "You _know _what you're going to put yourself through, right?"

"That's not relevant. I need to go."

"Why!?" Squall rubbed at his forehead with his free hand. He should have known Seifer would be the brick wall he'd eventually run into. "Squall, "I'm not taking you to that hellhole so they can tear you apart. You know they were going to question you about Rinoa once you sent her off to Deling. The accident in Timber saved you from that backlash, but now you're giving yourself up to them freely? So they can interrogate you?

"Maybe"

"Not maybe; absolutely. I've seen those men's reports. They're ruthless. They haven't voted your name off the council. That means that they want answers to why you loosed a Sorceress."

Loosed? "Her powers are on lock down. She's got that bracelet form Dr. Odine."

"They're not going to care. They practically forced you two together didn't they? All the pressure; it all stemmed from _them_. They wanted you close to her so they could control her through you. They _bribed_ you… But you let her go. And they're going to want to know why, which would open a whole new set of closets."

Squall exhaled and leaned forward to put his elbow on his knee and his head in a palm. "I know all this."

"Then why the hell do you want to go? Do you _want_ them to know about us?"

"…No." _I don't know. _

"You'd be walking a very fine line trying to hide that," Seifer spat.

Squall took a breath. "They'll find out about the situation with Rinoa and me sooner or later. They'll go to SeeD eventually if they have to. Or Rinoa… I'll give them what they think they want." And give his proposition. He'd been sitting on it since just before the accident. It was time to propose it.

"You're going to direct all the fire towards yourself? _That _sounds like a sane plan. They'll destroy you."

"There's nothing to destroy. I'm _blind_." He straightened up. "Seifer, I can't ever work a job again. What are they going to do? Not let any businesses serve me?"

"You're not going."

"Yes I am," he growled.

"Goddammit, Squall. Just… stay the fuck where you are. I'm coming home after my next meeting. We can talk about it then."

Seifer hung up abruptly and Squall cursed. He wasn't going to convince Seifer. The one thing that might sway the blonde was the one thing he wasn't ready to talk about. He ran his other options through his head. None of them would have been his first choice. He had wanted Seifer to be there. He'd wanted Seifer to hear his proposal when he gave it.

It didn't seem like that was going to happen.

Squall dialed again, slowly, and then held the phone to his ear. "Squall?" came the voice after four rings.

"Irvine."

"Hey! What's up?"

Squall hesitated briefly. "How long would it take to get to Deling in the Ragnarok?"

"Uh… half an hour. Maybe less? Why? What's going on?" Squall bit his lip and cuddled Posy closer. Seifer wouldn't be back for at least another hour if he still had a meeting. "Squall?" Irvine asked again, obvious concern coloring his voice.

"I… I need you to get me. And… bring me back in a few days for the council meeting."

There was a long pause before "Seifer refused to take you?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure it's wise… to go to the council?"

"I _need_ to do this Irvine."

Irvine was silent for so long that Squall thought for a second the line had gone dead. He almost spoke but then Irvine's voice came through again. "Alright. I'll get you. I'll park the Ragnarok outside the suburbs and take a car to the house; shouldn't be more than forty minutes. Will that work?"

"Yes, that's fine… Thank you."

"Sure." The other brunette sounded anything but sure; but Squall could deal with a little hesitancy. "See you soon then." Squall hung up and sat, trying to tell himself he'd done the right thing. He had to do this. He had to at least _try_.

The council would vote him out; exile him from society itself if they could. They'd be upset. And probably disgusted. They'd never pass what he was going to propose. But the council was where the changes started. He would get them to face it at least.

Slipping his phone into his pocket to keep it close, he picked Posy up and set her on the ground before standing. He went to the bedroom closet first with her trailing his feet to try and find the duffel bag he'd originally brought with him from Esthar. It took a while but he finally found it in the back of the top left cubby. He pulled some pants out and placed them in the bag and followed that with a few shirts. What was he going to wear at the council?

The thought made him stop. He was technically no longer SeeD, even if the paperwork hadn't gone through yet. It wouldn't be appropriate to wear his Commander uniform like he usually did, even if he'd known where it was. He searched for the one pair of dress pants he had and found them by the texture. He added those and then dropped the bag so he could run his hands along the shirts. He couldn't remember exactly what shirts he had but maybe Seifer had something. He was a little broader in the chest but it would do.

He ended up taking two button-ups. The first one he picked might be something yellow for all he knew so he gave himself another choice. Irvine could tell him which looked better.

Posy whined near his feet and a paw touched his leg briefly. He told himself to ignore what seemed her way of saying she disapproved whatever he was doing. He took the bag to the living room, hesitating briefly in the open space – his phone. He had his phone with him. It was fine – and put the bag on the coffee table. He put the Braille book about Gunblades in with the clothes and then zipped the bag.

Posy kept whining so he sat and patted his leg. She jumped up immediately and he fondled her ears. "It's only for a few days," he said roughly. "I'll come back." She barked at him and he sighed. He set her back down on the floor and went back to the bedroom. This time he went to the desk and felt around the top then in the drawer. The sticky notepad was in the back of the drawer near what felt like pens. He pulled one out with the pad and then went to sit at the bar.

He measured the pad's size with his fingers before writing a quick explanation, trying to keep it all on the pad and not write on the countertop. He hoped it was legible. He stuck the note somewhere in the center of the coffee table and let Posy out into the back. She circled his feet a few times, refusing at first to go out but she hadn't been out in a while and finally when he didn't move, he heard her paws skip out and go silent as soon as they hit the grass outside. He shut the door with a grimace. Barking immediately erupted and she started scratching at the door.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, then counted his steps back to the living room. He picked his bag up and found the door. Then he sat on the doorstep and waited, clutching his Griever necklace in one hand.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Seifer slammed his car door shut and stalked up the sidewalk. The brunette was insane. Maybe he'd hit his head on the ground when he'd been hit with the glass and no one had known. He stopped when he heard Posy's frantic barking. She sounded like she was in the backyard. What the hell?

He hurried the rest of the way to the door. It was locked. He jammed his key in and swung it open. "Squall?" no one answered. He stared into the house for a moment, not quite believing what his senses were telling him.

He dropped his keys on the table next to the door, slammed it shut and went to the bedroom. The closet was shut. He wrenched it open and looked for Squall's duffel bag; gone. He panicked for all of five seconds before his eyes caught on the clothes still in the cubby holes. His things were still there. A few clothes were missing but that was it.

Seifer told himself to breathe. If Squall had left most of his clothes, he was planning on coming back. Right? He left the closet and looked around the bedroom door towards the coffee table. The top Braille book was gone but nothing else had been touched. His eyes caught on something yellow in the center of the table and he darted for it.

Squall's writing scrawled drunkenly on the small note, but it was readable.

_I'm sorry but I have to do this. It's my responsibility. I'll be back after the meeting._


End file.
